Thursday, November 8, 2001

35 measly cents, damnit

43.8%

USG Approves "Forbes Airlift"
Humanitarian Aid to be parachuted to remote region

Undergraduate Student Government President Whatshisface announced plans today to send humanitarian aid to a distant residential college known as "Forbes". The aid, said the president, is desperately needed by the Forbesian people, who are so removed from campus few of them have ever seen Prospect Avenue or even the Frist Campus Center. "The aid will consist primarily of beer," said Whatshisface, "for these malnourished students have never made it so far as the Street and tasted the Beast on tap, a staple item we here in the civilized world take for granted." Four university-owned C-17 Globemaster III Transports will be used to transport the aid to the under-beered college. It is not known how many Forbesians are in existence, as very few have ever made it to campus alive. The USG said it was considering granting these displaced peoples refugee status.

Princeton Stadium named
Pepto-Bismol Place
Corporate Sponsorship marks new age for Princeton Athletics

In a gala ceremony yesterday afternoon, President Tilghman christened the hitherto-unnamed Princeton stadium Pepto-Bismol Place. Flanked by Proctor & Gamble CEO A.G. Lafley, Tilghman praised the household product as the perfect namesake for the University's new stadium. "Not only will P&G's donations expand our already engorged endowment fund," said Tilghman, "but the nausea and upset-stomach relieving action of Pepto-Bismol will be a welcome addition to the stadium's concession stands." After the varsity football team's disgusting string of losses caused many Tiger fans to be physically sick, the Pepto-Bismol relief is being hailed as a timely effort at improving attendance. "Perhaps the next time I suffer from Tiger-induced vomit, Pepto-Bismol will provide me with the relief I need."

Obituary
Arthur Healey '05, 1983-2001

Arthur Healey, son of Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Healey, formerly of 250 Forbes, recently shuffled off this mortal coil due to a fatal blow to the head from a falling keg. The keg, apparently knocked out of an open upper-floor window, fell onto Healey as he returned home from a Thursday night Agape meeting. The keg was later confiscated by Public Safety, who proceeded to tap and drain it. Healey was a prominent member in the Agape and Aquinas Christian Fellowships, and was president of his high school's Key Club and S.A.D.D. chapter. Donations can be made to any crazy right-wing Christian group.