PALMER SQUARE - Freshman Forbesian Eric Garber is like any other freshman in a number of respects: he despises his writing seminar, he plays beer pong every Thursday night, and he thinks that Terrace is a cesspool. And he never gets any.

Hoping to change this last point, Garber trekked from his small pit in the Forbes Annex to the Palmer Square Banana Republic and proceeded to purchase the most expensive shirt in the store. He then purposely omitted removing the $110 price tag before donning the garment.

Garber was worried that, due to the fact the shirt looks exactly like one he had purchased at Wal-Mart for $22, he needed a way to announce his high-fashion tastes to women. He informed the Orange that he had hoped the prominent price tag would do the trick.

Unfortunately, the tag seemingly had a negative affect on gender relations. In his first tag-adorned encounter with the opposite sex, Garber was off-handedly rejected before he could even get into cologne-cognizance range. "Like, am I supposed to be impressed by something so superficial?" said an anonymous Kappa freshman about Garber's price tag. She then began staring dreamily at the rippling biceps of a nearby varsity football player.

According to sources who wish to remain anonymous in their shame at even witnessing the debacle, Garber entered the Butler's Wu Dining Hall at approximately 12:45 p.m. yesterday, wearing the new shirt. He then proceeded to engage in some vague form of "strutting", his body parts flailing arrhythmically in a failed effort to complement his shirt with an equally cool demeanor. Said one eye-witness: "He just… limped… through the dining hall looking for a seat next to a girl - any girl - but thankfully they all managed to evacuate the hall safely."

The botched attempt and coolness is only the latest in a long line of such endeavors. "I thought the package was complete," bemoaned Garber, "but I guess I wasn't wearing enough Polo Sport. But next time, all y'all honeys better watch out fo tha G-Dogg!"

For any ladies interested in Eric Garber, they can probably find him at McCosh undergoing Hyper Self-Image Disorder, where he was at press time.