Thursday, November 15, 2001

35 cents, you cheap bastard

12.8%

Princeton Committee Against Terrorism Apprehends Bin Laden
"Damn you meddling kids!"

In a newsbreaking development this morning, terrorist suspect Osama Bin Laden apparently turned himself into the Princeton Committee Against Terrorism. Terrorist experts are speculating that Bin Laden, the mastermind terrorist leader of the Al Qaeda network, could no longer resist the committee's bombardment of denouncements from the moral high ground. Committee member Adam Jeblinksky '04 breathed a triumphant sigh of relief when he heard the news. "I knew that if we just kept quoting Thomas Paine and singing 'God Bless America' at rallies over 10,000 miles away from his secret fortified subterranean network, he'd have to come out soon," exclaimed Jeblinksky, adding "it was only a matter of time." Bin Laden, who was quickly transfered to federal custody, managed to hold a brief press conference at the Frist Campus Center before incarceration. The thoroughly annoyed terrorist told the world that everything was going fine until the Princeton committee's formation. "I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!" bemoaned Bin Laden as he was carried away. The PCAT crew then hopped into their Mystery Van and took off in search of next week's zany villain, Spooky Saddam.

DJ Bob expands playlist to 7 songs
Is the Street ready?

At a packed press conference yesterday afternoon, the internationally famous DJ Bob announced he was adding a landmark seventh song to his already diverse repertoire. "After months of deliberation, I have at long last decided upon a seventh song," the DJ told the anxious press room. "I will now begin playing J.Lo and Ja Rule's 'I'm Real'," said Bob, "expanding my playlist to seven songs." Street-goers and music industry buffs alike are buzzing about the benchmark expansion. The addition is the first since Jagged Edge's 'Where the Party At?' joined the mix. Before that, eating clubs featuring Bob's vinyl-spinning skills were limited to just five songs: 'Livin' on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi, Sir Mixalot's 'Baby Got Back', Madison Avenue's 'Better Off Alone', Madonna's 'Like a Prayer' and the B-52's 'Love Shack'. Now, with a whole new universe of music at Bob's disposal, it's questionable whether the Street will even be able to handle such variety. Said frequent Prospect-cruiser Kimberly Jacobson '04: "Like, when all the clubs were playing the same six songs, you could get sick of it. But not anymore!"

Stevie Van Zandt, Van Zandt Williams Rock Princeton Stadium
Benefit concert Vice President's biggest fundraiser ever

Rock fans and Princetonians alike packed Princeton Stadium to capacity yesterday for what proved to be a rockin' good time. The benefit concert, titled "A Night of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll For Princeton", was headlined by rock superstars Stevie Van Zandt of the E-Street Band, and Van Zandt Williams of Nassau Hall fame. Williams, Princeton University's Vice President for Development, told The Daily Orange that the idea for such a concert came to him as he watched the many star-studded Sept. 11 benefit concerts of the last two months. "I saw how much money those things could make for some lame relief fund, and thought: hey, with a format like that and a cause like Princeton's, we could really rake it in!" said the obviously high vice president. He then contacted his old friend Stevie Van Zandt and things soon fell into place. Remarked Van Zandt, "Van Zandt was like, 'I think we can top my $1.4 billion Anniversary campaign', and I was all for it." Last night's concert, already hailed by rock fans as the greatest orgy of drugs and promiscuous sex since the original Woodstock, hauled in an estimated two billion dollars worth of telephone submitted donations for Princeton. "It's really amazing how the alumni community pulled through," exclaimed Williams. "You know what else was amazing? That weed we just hit."