By Gabe Doyle

Last Tuesday, Martin Heller '04 woke up late. Forgoing his usual habits of grooming and rushing out of his door in 1927 Hall, doubtlessly late again to his 1:30 PHI 201 lecture, Heller thought nothing could delay him. Until, that is, he saw his roommate's copy of The Daily Princetonian that was being used as a doormat.

Nestled between a story sucking up to President Tilghman, part 17 of an ongoing article describing Princeton's a capella scene, another story sucking up to President Tilghman, and a hard-hitting investigation on balloon inflation, was a small black-and-white photograph of an unaware and unsmiling Heller, seen at right.

"I was awestruck," said an awestruck Heller of his new notoriety and fame. "I tried to continue to my lecture, but girls kept on stopping me, remarking how they'd seen me on the Prince."

"I'd always thought he was a total dork," said Mary Cecert '04 of the probable physics-major Heller. "But now that he appeared in the Prince, well, I have to admit I'm attracted to him."

As Heller walked past a cluster of co-eds outside of Wilcox Dining Hall, he was swarmed.

Heller recalled, "I was still trying my hardest to get to Philosophy, despite the gaggle of girls that grabbed at me. Struggling to press on in spite of their groping, I rounded the corner of Wilcox, thinking I was safe."

Then the co-eds noticed the hobbling Heller. In what historians already hail as 'the shriek heard around the Wilcox/Wu patio', one of the girls screamed, "It's him!" resulting in every girl in Butler and Wilson Colleges descended upon the helpless Heller.

"I can't believe I touched him!" screamed Allison Lederer '05, holding up the small lock of hair that she'd wrenched from Heller's head during the pandemonium.

Heller was not seen for the remainder of the day, and was believed either to be enslaved in the bowels of Butler or satisfying the whims of his Wilson captors.

Heller was next seen on Wednesday, battered and amnesiac, wandering nude in Holder Courtyard, mumbling "Rosebud". He was taken to McCosh, where his condition was listed as fair. Through the night, his condition slid to serious. This morning, he was released in critical condition, and is now in the hands of the unemployed medical caregivers previously of Chicago Hope.

Sensing the ability to make himself more attractive, this reporter is working on getting himself on the front page of The Daily Princetonian.