PUBLIC SAFETY UNDERGROUND BUNKER -- This morning, in the worst scene of carnage and destruction in the history of Princeton University, a vengeful, 100 foot tall bronze coated cyborg descended from the heavens to wreak havoc and destruction upon the school. The floating robot, which bore an unsettling resemblance to former school president John Witherspoon, was unrelenting in its onslaught. Our weapons were useless against it, our defenses nonexistent.

Eyewitnesses who survived the catastrophic loss of life and property described the robot's weapons technology as far advanced beyond anything humanity could ever hope to use in its defense. Military analysts are speculating that the WitherBot, as it has come to be known, was equipped with energy-based laser weaponry and thermonuclear missile packs. The mechanized death machine also fired an electromagnetic pulse that rendered half of the eastern seaboard frozen without communications or electricity. It was also heard throughout the tri-state area blaring: "All who mock Witherspoon will die. I am the dark agent of justice for those who have trespassed upon his dignity."

Conclusive satellite imagery now indicates that Princeton University was the epicenter of the attack. Analysts quickly jumped to conclusions about the motives behind the WitherBot's mission of wrath, blaming this very newspaper for today's events. In a joint statement, the FBI, CIA and Department of Defense pointed the finger at last week's research poll in The Daily Orange that asked readers: "Who's got the hottest ass of any president in Princeton history?". These "experts" claim our research project's results are behind WitherBot's vengeful fury. The poll, in which John Witherspoon finished dead last with only two votes, was apparently quoted several times by the WitherBot.

"My master, although dead more than a hundred years, still has a fine ass," blared the robot as he incinerated West College. "All who belittle his sex appeal will die." The machine, which appeared to be propelled by a futuristic system of heat jets and magnetic repulsors, is now believed by many to be the dead Witherspoon's vehicle of vengeance from beyond the grave.

President Bush denounced the attacks and called on the world community to unite in unanimous blaming of The Daily Orange. "Those irresponsible little Princeton punks are to blame for all of this," whined the President. "The blood of thousands is on your hands today, Mr. Editor." Princeton University's own Shirley Tilghman joined in the chorus: "You should have known this would happen. Everyone knows Witherspoon was self-conscious about his ass! You just had to rub it in, didn't you?"

Public Safety was unable to stop the killer robot's rampage. Public Safety Director Jerold Witsil, communicating from the agency's underground command bunker via satellite phone, told The Daily Orange that he requested Borough Police back-up as soon as the Frist Campus Center was hit by the robot's first death-ray blast. Unfortunately, not even the combined crime fighting power of the two forces could penetrate the WitherBot's neutrino shield. "By the time we had the National Guard on the way, Whig and Clio were already under heavy missile fire."

"Now you know the pain my dead master feels," was all the WitherBot would offer for comment as hurled Fine tower onto Princeton Stadium. The colossus then proceeded to melt the Princeton Chapel using his shoulder-mounted particle beam. After reducing Nassau Hall to a pile of twisted metal and smoldering ash, the WitherBot was finally satisfied with the punishment it had distributed: "I leave you now to reflect upon your childish acts. But your broken buildings will never match my master's broken heart."