CANNON GREEN - The remains of an estimated nineteen grey squirrels litter Cannon Green and another nine can be found dead on the lawn in front of Nassau Hall after a crazed madman's early morning shooting spree. According to witnesses and law-enforcement officials, Princeton University senior Dan Mathers ascended the hall's bell tower at about 8:00 this morning. He then let loose on the squirrels with a gas operated Heckler & Koch SL 8 .223 Remington caliber sports rifle.

The shooting spree, which lasted over two and a half hours, startled many bystanders in its early going. "I was like, freaking out when I heard the gun shots at first," said jubilant witness Eric Delaney '03. "But then when I realized this guy was only going after squirrels, I was cool with it."

As the crack of the high-powered rifle echoed across campus, it attracted the immediate attention of Public Safety, which scrambled all available units to the scene and surrounded the hall. "We were preparing for a real stand-off situation," said Lieutenant Lloyd Best. "Me and Kenny [Sergeant Kenneth Samuel] secured the area and called for backup, but then we saw that the kid was only after squirrels." Public Safety then pulled back its perimeter to give Mathers more "breathing room" in which to hunt.

Crowds of students and faculty, drawn by the sound of gunfire, soon gathered around the hall behind the baricades. By 9:00, hundreds of spectators were watching Mathers. As the crowd grew, so did the roaring cheers that rose up for Mathers after every successful shot. Excited witness Bethany Williams '04 compared the scene to a basketball game, "only it was louder." "The crowd really got behind Danny. I felt proud to be a Princetonian." Said Duane Daruthers, a local popcorn merchant who was on hand for the event: "I made more money today than in the whole football season!"

When Mathers finally finished his stunning spree, in which he went 28 for 33 for a shooting percentage of .848 from the tower, he recieved a minute long standing ovation. He descended from the tower and was met by several Public Safety proctors. Instead of arresting him, the officers escorted him through a swarming crowd of fans back to his dorm.

"We were considering charging [Mathers] with something, you know, cause of the whole firearms thing," said Lieutenant Best. "But those squirrels really piss me off. Like when you're riding your bike and they just skitter right in front of you? They were going to die someday anyways - Danny was just doing us all a public service."