OFFICE OF THE REGISTRAR - The computers of Princeton University's Office of the Registrar are overloaded with millions of 'A' grades, its printers working overtime to print pathetically low-valued report cards. The mean grade point average of a Princeton undergraduate has hit 47.2, its highest level ever. Uncontrollable grade hyperinflation is being blamed by authorities for the ridiculously high average GPA.

"These report cards aren't even worth the paper they're printed on," bemoaned Registrar John L. Greenberg. "This school is giving out so many 'A's that our printing presses are struggling to keep up."

The trend began earlier this year, when the University announced that it would be giving out "bonus grades" to its students. These bonus grades, given out for academic achievements such as tying shoes properly and coming to precept, are simply added to one's GPA calculation without a corresponding course. For example, Aaron Torensen '04 has 40 'A' grades but is only registered in 4 courses. His GPA is therefore 10.0.

Since the introduction of the bonus grades, competition among students to stay on top has become fiercer than ever. Princetonians have frantically ammassed more and more cheap grades to push up their GPA. Sheena Whitecastle, an ambitious sophomore who hopes to get in to the Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs, told The Daily Orange: "My 3.8 GPA used to be good enough for Woody Woo. But now I don't know if my 65.39 GPA will even be good enough."

President Shirley Tilghman defended the inflation as the result of "healthy academic growth at the University." She pointed out that Princeton students are "becoming smarter and smarter every day, and their grades need to reflect that." When asked if the plummeting value of the 'A' is an acceptable side-effect of aggregate scholarly growth, Tilghman responded that "this administration has inflation under control."

"Growth or no growth," says Princeton aca-nomics professor Alfred Wilhoven, "we still need a stable benchmark for our academic currency - the 'A'." According to detractors of the new administration's policy, faith in the 'A' has been weakened by the recent inflation, and any further loss in its value could hurt investment in Princeton students by grad schools and businesses. "Investors will see Princeton's high grade level not as an indicator of academic wealth but as a sign of bad resource management by the university," stressed Wilhoven.

Wilhoven continued: "We are in a wide inflationary gap here. Sound academic contraction policy is neccessary to settle the grade level down after this mark-happy, irresponsible administration has let things get out of control." Like many other independent scholar market watchers, Wilhoven warns that high marks now could mean grade debt later.

Whatever the future holds, Princeton students are already feeling the strain of grade inflation. Junior Jason Yeuh told The Daily Orange of some of the difficulties the weak 'A' caused for him over Thanksgiving break. When Yeuh applied for an internship at Morgan Stanley Dean Witter, he needed to bring a wheelbarrow full of report cards just to convince his employers of his qualifications. "They told me that having just a few good marks from Princeton wasn't good enough anymore," remembered Yeuh.

At press time, one Princeton 'A' was worth only 0.32% of the Ivy League market average. Some of Tilghman's advisors have suggested grade level controls to keep the 'A' from slipping further. Others have gone as far as advising Tilghman to anchor the Princeton 'A' to a more stable foreign grade, such as the Harvard 'A'. The President, however, refused to endanger the independence of the 'A'. "Our students are soooo much smarter than Harvard's. Just look at our mean GPA's: they only have a 3.5 average, but since I got into office Princeton's has skyrocketed to almost 50.0!"