SIMON WORLD HEADQUARTERS – Stores along the East Coast remain closed today as extensive repair work continues, attempting to shore up the sale racks and displays overturned by an irate Christmas shopper. In her wake, three people have already died, and twelve others valiantly fight for their lives.

On December 23, 2001, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) sent out a warning to East Coast shopping venues when their radar picked up an especially large windbag moving up the coast at approximately 65 miles per hour.

"We saw her first when she was about 350 miles southwest of Boston, moving north at an alarming clip," said Chet Sandusky, Supreme Commander of the NOAA Christmas Command Center. "The storm seemed to be motivated by some outside force."

According to eyewitnesses, the stormy wench, dubbed "Hurricane Marge" by Sandusky’s crew, was motivated by an outside force indeed. "She kept screaming at the poor lady behind the counter about how she needed to get a ‘Tickle-Me-Elmo’ and a ‘Furby’ for her nieces," said fellow shopper Sissy DeCoute. "The saleswoman kept telling her that those gifts hadn’t been popular in years, but the woman kept arguing. She left, but not before reaming her a butthole." The saleswoman, Becky Cardmin, was rushed to the hospital, but the butt-reaming proved fatal.

NOAA’s radar tracked Marge up the coast, and found that she stopped at the Quakerbridge Mall outside of Trenton, NJ. Perfume saleswoman and eyewitness Mindy Duncan was caught unaware. "She came in, and all of a sudden, the whole mall went eerie quiet, like in a movie."

The eye of the storm was all too brief for Quakerbridge patrons. Cindy Muncan, one of Duncan’s co-workers at the Tommy Hilfiger counter, sprayed Marge with a free sample of "Tommy Girl".

"All Hell broke loose," said Duncan, wiping back a tear, "I’d never seen such horror. I looked up, and Mindy was gone, just like that, and most of the other perfume counters had been leveled. Then I blacked out. When I woke up, they said that Jenna, the slutty blonde in the shoe department had been killed."

Marge’s destructive spree continued at four other malls in New York and New Jersey before she reached the colder climate of New England and quickly dissipated. However, as a precaution, Massachusetts malls were evacuated, and many stores in Rhode Island boarded up their windows.

Hurricane Marge is the thirteenth named storm shopper of the Christmas season. Noted meteorologist Dr. John Hope had predicted that this season would only spawn nine named storms.