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Princeton University installs Missile Defense Shield
New Jersey school pulls out of NCAABM Treaty

In a move that is sure to destabilize Ivy League intercollegiate relations, President Shirley Tilghman announced today that Princeton University will commence deployment of a space-based "missile shield". Tilghman told reporters that the technology for the anti-ballistic missile defense system was developed by a crack team of Princeton physicists and mathematicians over reading period. Said Tilghman: "We now have the means to protect our great campus from nuclear attack by rogue colleges." The President stressed that the shield would not hurt relations with "Big Red" Cornell, as it is intended for defense against small community colleges and A&T's only. Although many observers have warned that the shield might alter the balance of intercollegiate nuclear power, the project has its supporters. The Princeton Committee Against Terrorism released a statement heralding a new era of peace for Princeton University. Tilghman also announced that the university is now pulling out of the National Collegiate Association Anti-Balistic Missile (NCAABM) Treaty, an agreement she calls "totally uncool and biased against us rich schools."

Freshman calls inanimate object "Gay"
Refers to friend's Stereo

Freshman Chris Jackson reportedly labeled friend Ben Feldman's stereo "So gay" this morning. The stereo, recently purchased from a Massachusetts Best Buy, apparently malfunctioned when Jackson attempted to play his new CD. When the stereo refused to cooperate, Jackson exploded. He then repeatedly refered to the Sony sound system as a homosexual piece of equipment. Feldman says his stereo has not shown signs of sexual deviance before, "So this accusation comes as a real shocker." Jackson did not clearly specify the evidence behind his claim, however, leaving Feldman to wonder if his Sony has been participating in hard-core stereo-on-stereo anal action or just flirtatious ass-pinching. "I think it's just confused," said Feldman after talking things over with the stereo. This is the 4,578th time Chris Jackson has labeled an inanimate object or intangible idea "gay". Previous examples include his physics textbook, Feldman's polo sweater, and Dean's Date.