Senior blows easiest pool shot ever

FRIST CAMPUS CENTER - According to eyewitness reports, Princeton University undergraduate Ronald C. Ashworth '02 blew what is being described as the easiest shot in the history of 8-ball pool.

In an exclusive, post-shot interview with The Princeton Pauper, Ashworth's opponent and longtime pool rival Samuel "Sammy" Biggs exclaimed that "even my grandmother could have made that shot. What a hurter!"

The shot in question, which required Ashworth to knock the unobstructed '8' ball into a corner pocket from a distance of less than 1 cm, would have ended the game. Furthering the case for the missed shot's "easiest ever" status is the fact that Biggs - a renowned trash-talker with a history of game-throwing remarks at the Frist Campus Center pool room - did not even bother to utter a single joke about his opponent's mother during Ashworth's shot execution. "Usually, I would have said some nasty shit about his momma, like how there's more wang in her than a Chinese telephone book, you know, to throw him off his game. But this shot looked so easy, I didn't even bother."

A sophomore witness agreed with Biggs's assessment of the shot's painfully easy nature, telling our reporter that "the 8-ball was practically in the hole already. All he had to do was tap it in." As it turned out, Ashworth failed absolutely in his attempt to sink the target ball, managing instead to somehow send it ricocheting away from the pocket. The cue ball itself proceeded to drop into the pocket, only magnifying the pathetic Ashworth's embarrasment and handing Biggs the victory. Witnesses expressed not only a unanimous disgust at Ashworth's total lack of skill, but a sense of wonder at how a shot could be so perfectly bad. Said pool hall regular Martin Sacks '03: "Until today, I would have told you that a shot like that was impossible to miss. But this Ronald kid has proven just how truly horrible man can be at pool."

Pool-geometry experts at Princeton's mathematics department estimate the odds against missing the shot at 376,094,865 to 1, and the odds of somehow sinking the cue ball as well at 36,492,813,097 to 1. Although it boggles the mind to think that someone other than a blind, mentally-unsound person with muscular distrophy could miss such a shot, Ashworth appears to be a healthy, otherwise normal individual. When the Pauper inquired about Ashworth's state of concentration and the level of his dedication to the shot, we were surprised to find that the senior had genuinely tried his best to sink the 8-ball. Sammy Biggs described his opponent as "a real try-hard".

Ashworth, however, denied the validity of the evidence against him. He did admit that "[the shot] was pretty easy," but claimed that " I only missed it because I was really tired and I had a few brewskies in me." He also blamed his failure on an alleged "hottie", or attractive female, that walked past his sight midway through his stroke. "This chick was smokin'!" exclaimed Ashworth. "How can you expect a playa like me to concentrate when a piece of ass like that is in the house?"

Biggs disputed Ashworth's claims to both tiredness and drunkness, and independent witnesses could not confirm his "hottie" alibi, either. "He's just bitter that he sucks at pool," exclaimed the victorious Biggs, "and that I get more ass from his mom in one night than he's ever gotten from nobody! Yeah baby!" Biggs then began to gesticulate wildly and gesture towards his own crotch area.