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P-Diddy releases hit single "Mol Bio Mo' Problems"
DJ Bob adds to playlist

Sean "P-Diddy" Combs' new hit single "Mol Bio Mo' Problems" is climbing the Princeton charts with no sign of slowing down. The song, based on P-Diddy's real life experiences in MOL 214, is a "shout out" to all of his homeboys in the Molecular Biology Department. "It's like, you know, a tribute to my brothas in the M to the izzO L," said Combs in an interview with the Pauper. "That Mol Bio shit is a real bitch, and me and the boyz gotta hold down the GPA together."

After being dumped by his sweetheart J.Lo in 2001, P-Diddy reportedly "did a lot of soul-searchin'", and settled on becoming a cardiovascular surgeon. This career switch brought him to Princeton University, where he is currently filling his pre-med requirement by taking MOL 214. Much to his chagrin, however, P-Diddy discovered early on this semester just how "off the hizzle" DNA can be.

In the Pauper's visit to Lewis Thomas Hall - the Mol Bio Department's "crib" - P-Diddy bemoaned his workload. "I'm bustin' overtime every lab," said Combs, wearing his FuBu brand lab apron. "The only way I can bounce outta Louie-T on time each week is by playin' my T.A. Duong Phing Chou. That foo' thinks I'm gonna hook his ass up wit J.Lo."

Apparently, the more molecular biology P-Diddy comes across, the more problems he sees. When asked why he hasn't dropped the course and become an English major, Puffy simply responds that he's "2 legit 2 quit". He views his music as a way to vent his academic frustration, and at the same time, relate to his fellow pre-meds. "It's about representin'. In the ghetto of South Central P-Town, a brotha's gotta stick wit' his roots".

Tilghman denounces Yale-Harvard-Penn "Axis of Evil"
Emphasizes evilness

In her annual State of the Unionversity address, President Shirley Tilghman declared the unholy alliance of Yale, Harvard and Penn an "Axis of Evil" last Friday. The President declared that these three schools have "flaunted their hostility toward Princeton for too long." Tilghman continued: "These disgusting, evil schools have committed such heinous atrocities as beating us on the basketball court and in Harvard's case, letting their name be used in the movie How High." Tilghman further lambasted these evil, evil universities for their continued efforts in the development of students. She concluded her speech with a resounding attack on the presidents of the three schools, whom she described as "those evil, evil fuckers."