| I would like to tell you all a story. A story very dear
to me. So gather round children, curl up beside the fire and listen to this tale of
adventure, romance and copyright infringement. One day, a long time ago at an elitist school not so far away, one little boy had a dream. A dream to create the best darn fake newspaper he could. A dream to write the funniest darn fake stories he could think of. Most important, he wanted to make fun of all the silly grownups and not a few of his fellow silly students at his silly elitist school (let’s call it Pimpston). And soon his dream came true! The little boy and his friends created The Daily Orange, a magical bit of satire that poked fun at football players, the cuddly little squirrels that lived at his school, and yes kids, terrorism! At Christmastime, they even took aim at jolly old Saint Nick. Before they knew it, the Orange was five issues old and going strong. The world was a happy, beautiful place.
The little boy and his fellow citrus fruit aficionados fell into despair. Was this the end of an era? Was their Camelot dead? I can see, little ones, that you can hardly contain your anticipation. Little Joey has even wet himself in suspense. Get off the carpet, Joey. That’s a genuine oriental rug. The answer, children, is NO! Barely a week after the Syrapukes suing monster had killed the many-splendored wonder that was the Orange, he and his friends created an even newer and even specialer fake newspaper. From the ashes of the Orange rose: The Princeton Pauper! The end. What, Stacey? You didn't like my story? Ok, maybe there wasn't any adventure or romance, but there was copyright infringement, so go to hell. Well now, wee lads and lassies, tuck into bed and dream of sugar plums! Except you Joey. You’ll need to clean that up.
Matt Foulger ’05 |
But then, one dark day, their magical dream came crashing down. An evil
monster, known only as the Managing Editor of an other, not-so-fake, not-so-funny
newspaper, stomped into town. She was from another school, called Syrapukes, a school with
a Daily Orange of its own! In no uncertain terms, this vixen threatened the little boy and
his chaps with Legal Action, a grownup word for "Anal Rape". Alas, someone else
had taken his paper’s name already!