Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Possession

Princeton, NJ – A local man was arrested Saturday night outside the Princeton WaWa. The man, a self proclaimed plumber and general home repairman, was found outside the 24 hour food mart on Saturday night with a bag of mushrooms illegal for their hallucinogenic effects.

“He kept telling me he needed the mushrooms so that he could go kill a giant dinosaur that was sleeping with his girlfriend,” said one woman, who added that the alleged plumber’s thick Italian accent made conversation exceptionally difficult. “He insisted that the mushrooms gave him super powers.”

At around midnight the plumber entered the WaWa and demanded to see a manager, claiming he had a desperate need for “magical flowers” that would allow him to fight evil. When told that the WaWa did not sell flowers, the man became enraged, and in his fury he used a lighter to set an employees hair into flames.

“Actually, I thought it was kind of cool,” said the employee, who wished to remain nameless.

The manager, however, was not as pleased. “When customers come to buy, they’ll no longer have the comfort of knowing that the WaWa has been accident free for 738 days,” she said. “These damned hippies, what with their flower power and their narcotics abuse…I mean, lord knows I've had my fun, but we’ve all got to grow up some time.”

This is the seventh time in as many weeks that the unidentified plumber has used a hallucinogenic drug to rescue his girlfriend from the same dinosaur. This apparently involves a trek through a series of two-dimensional castles and green pipes. The short, overweight man blamed his mushroom addiction on the physically demanding nature of this journey, telling witnesses: "I'ma too small without the mushroom! The mushrooms makea me strong and tall, capisce?!"

He always does this," commented Miss Peach, the man’s alleged girlfriend. "He rescues me from fire breathing antagonists, and sure, I'm thankful, but afterwards it’s always sex, sex, sex. I mean, sure I’m glad he rescued me, but that doesn’t mean I'm obligated to put out every night. I just get a little tired. My dinosaur fetish is really just a passing phase…it's my desperate cry for attention.”

The man’s court appointed lawyer, Mr. Yoshi,  made the following response: “My client wishes to state that for the record, he never requested sexual favors in return for services rendered. Furthermore, my client received very little from Miss Peach aside from the occasional baked cake and kiss on the cheek.”

“Frankly,” he added, “I find her to be a bit of a prude.”