Goodness gracious, it's Friday the 13th! Look out behind you!
In this issue:
No September 11th Coverage | LeMenager Exclusive | War On Terrorism Update | Disemboweled Volunteers | No September 11th Coverage | Obvious Catering to Freshmen |
Coming Soon:
An all-new Freshman Edition of The G-Spot, Princeton's finest gossip rag

Archives | Features | What is The Princeton Pauper? | Contribute

LeMenager defects to Yale; revealed as double agent
Ex-admissions officer dubbed "Aldrich Ames of the 21st Century"

In a startling development in the ongoing Stephen LeMenager saga, the former Princeton Director of Admissions was aprehended by Public Safety yesterday after evidence surfaced that he was a double agent for Yale University. "Mr. LeMenager has been working for the enemy since day one," said President Tilghman in an email address to the university community.

According to espionage expert Frederick Hitz of the Woodrow Wilson School, LeMenager's betrayal is "the biggest intelligence coup since Aldrich Ames sold us out to the Russkies." Over his 18 years in the Admissions Department, LeMenager passed on information about Princeton applicants to his real employers at Yale, while at the same time sabotaging the admissions process at Princeton by throwing out the best applications. "I was wondering how the applicant pools had become such a pile of no-talent drivel," said an irate Dean Fred Hargadon. Read the Full Story!

Confused Community Action Group winds up in Catskills
"Not a Starbucks in sight!" cry distraught hipsters

Ten unfortunate freshmen and their Community Action leaders were stranded in the Catskill Mountains last week after boarding the wrong bus. "We thought we were going to help out at the Rescue Mission of Trenton," said an upset Shelly Grumfield-Harrison, one of the group's six survivors. "But when we got off the bus, we knew we weren't in Kansas anymore." The band of would-be volunteers were alledgedly kicked off the Outdoor Action bus they had boarded when OA campers realized what had happened. "We knew those freaks weren't on OA as soon as they started talking about helping people and shit," said an anonymous camper who reportedly helped evict the bus's uninvited guests from the vehicle while it was moving at 60 mph.

Abandoned in the remote Catskills, the CA group was unable to contact help on any of their 27 cell phones. According to the group's leader Danielle Fisk-Runsdell '03, "The coverage there was just horrible". Forced to forage for food until help arrived, the group was shocked to discover a total lack of expresso coffee in the vicinity. Complicating matters, the CA-ers found that the only fresh water nearby, a creek, was unfiltered. "Our Evian supply was running desperately low, and things were looking pretty grim," recalled a visibly-shaken Grumfield-Harrison. Just how grim the situation would get, the volunteers could only imagine.

Near the end of their second day alone, the group established a Big Brothers/Big Sisters program and took a bear cub into its care. Yet tragedy struck the unknowing volunteers when the cub's mother fatally disemboweled six of them and wounded two more.

In other news, an elated Housing Director Adam Rockman announced yesterday that the remaining six students on the housing waiting list have now been assigned rooms.