Vin Diesel deployed to Iraq to topple Saddam
Superstar demands full media coverage; "This is gonna be one helluva trick!"

The Pentagon announced Monday that Hollywood megastar Vin Diesel will be deployed to Iraq with the mission of liberating Iraq from Saddam Hussein. “This war on terror is a new kind of war,” said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, “and Vin Diesel is a new kind of agent.”

Diesel, the star of this summer’s blockbuster XXX, will make a conventional invasion of Iraq unnecessary. According to Rumsfeld, Diesel will be armed with an assortment of weaponry, including a rocket-armed sports car, assault rifles, and his own rugged but sexy demeanor. The Secretary told reporters that the Pentagon decided on the one-man army based on the success of John Rambo’s murderous rampages during the Vietnam War. “We figured ‘hey, why spend all that money on a massive invasion involving all three branches of the military when we can just send in one, superhot agent to do the job for us?’” said Ari Fleischer, speaking on behalf of the President in a separate press conference.

Although details of Operation X-TREME, as the Diesel venture is being called, are being withheld from the media due to operational security, Pentagon officials have described the plan’s basic strategy. Diesel will first skydive into Iraq, probably near Baghdad and most likely near the hovel of a gorgeous but repressed Iraqi woman; the woman will offer Diesel assistance in toppling Saddam after brief but passionate sex underneath the very noses of several evil Iraqi soldiers. Agent Diesel will then storm his way towards Baghdad in what Rumsfeld hinted will be a “full frontal assault not unlikely to cause the deaths of a few of Saddam’s terrorist henchmen.” The mission’s climax will feature an epic Diesel vs. Saddam snowboarding showdown on the slopes of an Iraqi mountain during a deadly avalanche.

The announcement follows earlier statements by the President that the United States was moving towards a go-it-alone military strategy that reflects its own solo stance regarding Iraq. “We need an operative that isn’t weighed down by rules” grinned President Bush Sunday. “An agent so bad – and by that I mean good – that he doesn’t care about the law. Just like me.”

Following Rumsfeld’s announcement, Vin Diesel himself was on hand to answer reporters’ questions. When asked just how extreme operation X-TREME will be, he simply replied: “You eva’ get punched in the face for tawkin’ too much?”

The change of tactics has been well received in Congress, where Republicans and Democrats alike have hailed Diesel’s recruitment. Senator Tom Daschle raved that “[Diesel] is on the edge… those Iraqi’s won’t know what hit ‘em until it’s too late.” Meanwhile, Senators Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer were seen asking Diesel to autograph their breasts.