Headlines

PCAT makes a guest appearance in new episode of Fox's 24

Fleming loses Lewis W. Fairchild '24 Professorship in game of Texas Hold 'em

CNN Headline News Studio actually the bridge of a starship from the future

Total Request Live scientifically proven uncool

SAE pledge caught listening to new Justin Timberlake CD

Triangle and Quadrangle merge to form Heptangle club

Besides the twits who are running, who would you least like to see in the USG ?
	Aileen Nielsen, Princetonian columnist / raving lunatic
	The editorial board of "American Foreign Policy"
	Nina Langsam, current USG president
Free polls from Pollhost.com

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The Pauper's coverage of the really controversial and important 2002 USG elections. Oh, wait, we meant "the insignificant 2002 USG elections".

The Pauper's very own lifestyle webzine! Edited by Gabe Doyle, Princeton's resident authority on all things style.

Ever wanted to take a study break and do an old-school wordsearch of masturbation synonyms? Now you can! Check out the Masturbating Wordsearch Generator, The Tilghman Trivia Crossword, and more.

Rehan Shamim, with only his sidearm (a Super Soaker XP900) to protect him, investigates conspiracy, corruption and crime in the seedy underworld of Princeton University. Viewer discretion is advised... if you're offended damn easily.

'Life Partner' Sites
(marriages between sites are not yet recognized in this state)

Sonya Mirbagheri's agents caught breaking into Anderson's HQ!
Burglars sabotage rival campaign, wear muddy boots on carpet

Last Sunday night, just before the polls closed for the USG elections, four men dressed in black were caught in candidate Josh Anderson's dorm in Scully Hall with flashlights, rifling through documents. Public Safety apprehended the four, whose identities have not been revealed. No word of the raid or the bust was released to the public by the University or the USG, which has denied the whole incident. Through an inside source, known as "Strep Throat", The Princeton Pauper has obtained information about the cover-up and the Scully raid that will shock you.  The four burglars were working for USG vice-president and presidential candidate Sonya Mirbagheri, who sent them into Anderson's Scully dormitory to sabotage his campaign.

But there's more. Evidence exists that incriminates USG President Langsam herself. According to "Strep Throat", corruption in the USG is rampant at even the the highest level... MORE

USG adds 1-900-HOTSEXX hotline to Blue Light campus phones
Will complement addition of SECH and SHARE numbers

Telephone numbers for linking Princeton students with fun, available men and women will now be posted on every blue-light phone to address concerns about the lack of hot, dirty sex talk on campus.

"It's a simple way to highten the sexuality of students, particularly virgins," USG vice president Sonya Mirbagheri '04 said, citing a need to make available "a means to talk about sex more nasty and explicit than SECH and SHARE are willing to discuss."

The announcement comes on the heels of the recent addition of the SECH and SHARE numbers to campus phones. When students complained about the reluctance of operators at the two agencies to "talk dirty", the USG was swift to react. A task force was set up to address the issue and two days later, the solution was found. Among the numbers to be posted on the "Blue Light" phones are 1-900-HOTSEXX, a quality counseling service for sexually frustrated men, and 1-900-BIGDICK, a line for women answered by men guaranteed to be "hot, single and at least nine inches".

The USG is also excited about a positive externality of the new hotlines: the campus phones, which are loud enough to hear from fifty feet away and require users to yell in order to be heard, will no doubt provide passers-by with quality adult entertainment.

Democratic Party Forgets its own platform
Confused over "stances" and "positions"

A general atmosphere of bewilderment hung over the Democratic party this week as it underwent a brief but traumatic period of confusion. "Wait, are we the opposition now?" asked a perplexed Senator Tom Daschle Thursday. "Quick, somebody tell me our position on Iraq!" he asked fellow Democrats. Unfortunately, his colleagues were unable to help. "Well, we're against war if the UN is against it, but for it if they aren't, but only as a last resort. I think," responded Al Gore in an email obtained by the Pauper.

New House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi downplayed the crisis, telling the press after her election that her party had strong stances on major issues and was vigorously pursuing a "down the center" program for economic growth. "Hopefully, we can find a great deal of common ground with Republicans," continued Pelosi. "But where not, we will put up the fight. Sometimes." The Californian liberal explained that politics today is "not about contrast right to left," but that her party was still a strong opposition to the Republicans. She stressed that Democrats "stand shoulder to shoulder with the president, but not always!"

Many Democrats, however, were not so sure about where they stood. "What's the deal with Homeland Security, anyways?" asked the mystified Zell Miller of Georgia. A baffled Sen. Hillary Clinton had to ask an aid about her voting record in order to figure it all out. "So you're saying I voted with the President on Iraq? What was I smoking?"

Fortunately, the crisis finally came to an end this weekend, when the Democrats remembered that they weren't a subsidiary of the GOP. "Ah, we're on the left. I get it now," sighed a relieved Al Gore yesterday. "Time to get back to our rhetoric about children and families, people!" announced Daschle, who appeared rejuvenated by his party's awakening. "Man, with strong positions like this, how did we ever lose the Senate?"