 Friday, May
31
Campus janitors, groundskeepers
rejoice as Frat Boys make 3 month exodus for cushy internships
"At last!" cries Forbes College janitor
Princeton University janitorial staff breathed a collective sigh of relief
last weekend. Their long wait was over. After another long year of mopping vomit,
repairing university property, and cleaning up after fire extinguisher incidents, they
were at last treated to a welcome sight: moving vans taking fraternity brothers far, far
away. "It'll be nice to have a break from finding piss in the recycling bins, that's
for sure," said an exasperated Javier Chavez, janitor for Mathey College. Cleaner
Maria Payopo added: "It's refreshing to know that I can go to work at the Frist
Campus Center without fear of discovering human excrement or beer on the bathroom
walls." Almost the entire fraternity population has left campus, with only the
graduating "frat" brothers remaining. Most are expected to start work at a
myriad of cushy internships and high-paying, low-responsibility desk jobs at the offices
of fraternity alumni by early next week. Yesterday, Princeton University cleaners wrote a
joint letter of sympathy and warning to their fellow tradesmen working at investment
banking firms across the nation. Janitors at Goldman Sachs' New York office, which will
employ an estimated 27 Princeton fraternity brothers this summer, expressed grave concern.
"From what we've heard, it sounds like it's gonna be a long summer," moaned John
Uphausen, a bathroom cleaner at Goldman Sachs. "I can only imagine what their office
keg parties are going to do to my shiny tile floor."
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