Osama bin Laden launches new airline

In a move that caught Wall Street investment firms off guard, Osama bin Laden announced the launch of his new airline, Air Qaeda, yesterday. The announcement came at a surprise press conference at his company’s headquarters in one of the half-dozen Afghani caves yet to be leveled by U.S. fighter planes.           

Bin Laden said he had sincere intentions of helping the American people so he could make up for the “poor judgment” he exercised in September 2001. “I never meant for those towers to fall, I swear. There was just supposed to be a big hole in the side of each one!  I mean, that’s not so bad, right?” 

As a further sign of goodwill, bin Laden promised special “discount fares” to any U.S. citizen flying his airline. “I realize that the U.S. economy is somewhat weak, and consumer confidence the lowest it’s been in a decade. Now, I’m making this airline for the American people, so I’m giving them a little incentive to fly with us. All Americans will receive 25% discounts – 35 if they book a transcontinental flight!”

“I understand that the American people might be a little hesitant to put any trust in me right now. But come on! That whole deal was over a year ago! I mean, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?  Forgive and forget, right?” 

President Bush expressed optimism when told of bin Laden’s proposed business venture. “I believe the man is full of sinceritude.  I have a knack for readin’ people, and when I heard that he was startin’ up this new business adventure, I had a good feelin’.  America is all about second chances. In fact, I was thinkin’ of  holdin’ a welcomin’ receptation for our buddy Osama when he comes over here so he feels at home.” He then added solemnly, “If we don’t let Mr. bin Laden have the same equal opportunity as anyone else in this great nation just because of his ethnicity, then the terrorists have already won.” He then walked off with a worried-looking Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and was heard commenting on “how cool it would be if all the male flight attendants wore those turbine things on their heads.” 

After the President’s comments, stock prices for America’s existing airlines dropped by an average of 28%.  Delta Airlines CEO Leo Mullin expressed his discontent. “First he destroys our company last September.  Now, when we’re finally back on track, he screws us over again!  I’m telling you, something sounds fishy about this whole plan, I just can’t quite put my finger on it.” 

When asked when he envisioned take-off for Air Qaeda’s first flight, bin Laden said he wasn’t sure, but was “aiming for sometime between July 3^rd and 5^th.” He also mentioned that he didn’t really know, nor even care, what cities his airline would fly to, “except Washington, D.C. is definitely a high priority.” 

Bin Laden tried to assuage people’s concerns for safety on his planes. He assured fliers that Air Qaeda planes would never run out of fuel in an emergency, because all the airline’s aircraft will be outfitted with extra-large fuel tanks. 

“I have everything under control," he continued. "You know how they say that El Al has the best security? Well, we are going to put them to shame. On my planes, no hijacker will ever be able to touch the pilots. By the way, all the pilots were trained in highly, um, ‘specialized’ flying skills at my very own flying school, so all the passengers will be in good hands. Especially the American ones.”