Senate Committee report: America 12% more 'X-TREME' in 2002

The Senate Committee on X-TREMEness in Popular and Consumer Culture reported yesterday that the country's X-TREME levels rose an astounding 12% over the year 2002. According to the committee's report, titled America's 'X' Factor: Analysis and Evaluation, the United States saw substantial growth in the 'X' sector last year. "More extreme products are hitting the shelves every day," beamed Committee Chairman Carl Levin (D - MI), "and film and television are more extreme than ever before."

The committee, which was established after September 11, 2001 at the request of the President, is responsible for overseeing America's development into a more X-TREME nation. In a post-9/11 speech, President Bush cited the need for 'X' in our lives: "Challenged by terrorist X-tremists who will do anything to harm this country, the only way to fight back is to become extreme ourselves. I ask all of you to begin eating more extreme foods and watching more eXtreme movies. It's time to get X-cited about being X-treme."

Needless to say, the nation has responded. According to yesterday's report, in the last twelve months alone a record number of extreme sport events were broadcast on national TV, including the X-Games, the Gravity Games, and the Extreme Lawn Darts Challenge, which had to be cancelled after its first year because of several unfortunate incidents. The film industry lead all sectors in extreme growth, with movies like XXX and ExtremeOps drawing big crowds to the box office. The video game scene also took an extreme turn: titles like Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball and BMX XXX kept pimply joypad jockeys busy all year long. But things weren't always so good for X-conscious Americans.

Only a few years ago, this great nation was enjoying an era of unprecedented X-TREMEness. The XFL was in full swing, thrilling fans with its no-holds-barred approach to career ending injuries. The X-Files was everybody's favorite TV show, as agents Scully and Mulder came across weird X-like stuff every episode. In the WWF, X-pac and the group DeGeneration X were wreaking havoc. But the XFL folded, The X-Files started to suck, and DeGeneration X broke up. It was a very un-X-citing time. 

Fortunately, America is finally healing. Right Guard Extreme Sport deodorant is being applied to the nation's underarms. Our children are eating X-Treme JELL-O brand gelatin dessert and watching the new ethnically-diverse Extreme Ghostbusters cartoon. In their spare time they play with Rescue Heroes Extreme Rescue action figures or, if they're a bit older, they can watch EXPN.

Some cynics, however, fail to see what all the excitement is about. Jason Blaskowitz of Sopchoppy, FL, asks, "What's so special about a flamethrower-wielding snowboarder?" Senator Levin expressed concern about these sentiments, which he called "downright anti-American." The United States has rallied behind the President's policy of extremeness ever since Vin Diesel's covert 'Operation X-TREME' in Iraq electrified the nation back in September.

"This is a great time to be an American," said an exuberant Senator Levin. "We have proven to our enemies just how X-TREME we can be. The United States is all over the letter 'X'." X-perts are forecasting another EXtreme year in 2003, with movies like Extreme Dating satiating the American appetite for eXtraordinary action. Donald Weatherberry, dean of the nation's leading department of Extreme Studies at Colorado University, estimates record extremeness: "After X-amining all the data, I predict we'll see hundreds of new X-TREME brands, logos and products this year."

He added: "X-ylophone!"

To whom it may concern: The Pauper's web tracking is provided by a company called eXTReMe Tracking. Yes, we see the irony.