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Missing Freshman Believed Lost in the Firestone Stacks
Public Safety Officers to Scared to Send Search Party

FIRESTONE “C” FLOOR – The roommates of Molly Washington ’07 have filed a Missing Person Report with the Princeton Borough Police for their roommate, who has not been seen since she attended a Firestone Library Orientation session in the days before the start of classes.  Tabitha Williams ’07, one of Washington’s roommates, described the anxiety she has been feeling since Washington’s disappearance. “At first, we feared that she had been kidnapped by those awful drunks at Tiger Inn or Cannon, or worse yet, by Townies!  But now that Public Safety tells us she might be lost in the stacks, I’m really scared for her!”

According to Williams, Washington had gone to Firestone for a tour session, as she was seriously considering being an English major. “Our RA, Anthony, had suggested that she go see what was in store for her if she, as he put it, ‘signed her soul to the devil of easy courses’.”  Washington broke away from the tour group in the history section on the C floor or shortly thereafter, according to tour guide Megan Jenning. “I don’t know where she went!  We’ve looked through every floor, so unless she somehow got into the D floor, I don’t know – I mean, um, not the D floor; there’s no such thing.  I must have meant the B floor.  Yeah.”

Public Safety is circulating a poster with Washington’s picture, and asks that anyone with any information about Ms. Washington contact the Joint Borough Police/Public Safety Missing Freshmen Task Force at 1.800.LOSTCHICK.

Lonely Senior Holds Out Hopes Kate Bosworth Will Enroll
Insists Blue Crush star still Princeton-Bound

Senior Chuck Berg informed his hallmate Justin Morris ’05 today that “Katie [Bosworth] is still gonna come here, just you wait!”  This is reportedly the 49th time this week that Berg has informed his hallmates of his belief that Bosworth will still attend the University.  Berg, a chemical engineer, told the Pauper that while he has not yet had a girlfriend or his first kiss, he remains steadfast in his belief that Bosworth will choose him for a significant other.  “Justin [Morris] was telling me some wack crap about her having a boyfriend already.  I told him to shut his face.  And besides, even if she has a guy, once she sees my single, I think she’ll know who her best choice is,” said Berg, motioning toward the “Transformers: The Movie” poster on his wall and the NES attached to his TV.  “And that’s to say nothing of how turned on she’ll be by my Blue Crush fanfiction site.”

Despite the start of classes and the end of registration, Berg holds on to his hope that Bosworth will yet appear in Princeton.  “Dude, my roommate freshman year moved in after the start of classes, and he wasn’t even a movie star.  I read that G-Spot Pre-Frosh Centerfold; she was so excited about coming here!” shouted Berg, even as his acquaintances attempted to calm him.  “Anyway, as I see it, one of two things will happen.  Either she’ll show up this year, or I’ll have to take a year off and catch her next year.  I bet she’d really love a fifth-year senior!”