Freshmen Inform Dorm of Princeton’s Fucking Excellence

FORBES COLLEGE – At 2 AM this morning, a group of freshmen returning from the Street informed Forbes College of their love of the school. “This place is fucking excellent; it totally rocks!” Joseph Sims ‘07 bellowed toward residents of the new wing. Jack Slater ‘07 supported Sims’s assertion, adding, “Those Theta chicks are wicked hot!” Fellow freshman Roger Thompson made sure that citizens of the annex were aware that, he “[has] never been this drunk,” and that he “love[s] you all!”
The quartet continued providing regular updates on the status of their love of Princeton, girls, and alcohol until one of their audience members opened a window and asked them to kindly “Shut the fuck up.” This antisocial comment drew the first negative remarks from the group, who referred to the speaker as a “pussy” and “loser”, and demanded that he or she show himself or herself.

“I think what they did was just fine,” freshman Jessica Harris told the Pauper today, “I mean, it would have taken me several days to work out that ‘Campus is where the party is at’ and I just don’t have that kind of time. The year is only so long, you know?” Harris told us that she considered the student who responded to the quartet “mean-spirited”. “If I get on a bender like that, I don’t want people to criticize me. And they were only trying to help.”

Not all students were as satisfied with the group’s actions, however. John Sherman ‘06 spoke for many when he described the group as misguided. “They were really trying to do me a favor, and I appreciate that. But a more personal message is necessary. It’s good to know that ‘the primo shit is at Terrace’, and that probably helps out many frosh, but what about those of us who already know about Terrace? What sort of shit is primo there? We also need information about what’s happening at some of the other clubs, like Tower. If those guys just went door to door talking to people individually, it would give their service a personal touch and everyone would win.”

The Pauper tried to reach the young men involved and get some comments. The only information revealed, by one of the group who refused to be named, was that, “We’re definitely pulling a stunt like that again,” and that “the guy who told us to shut up should watch his fucking back.”