Guide to
Christmas Shopping
If you’re like me, then you haven’t started shopping for Christmas yet. And if the people you know are like the people I know, then they’re all asking you when you’re going to go shopping. Of course, those meddlesome fools don’t realize that if you wait to go shopping until January, then everything’s on sale, and you can get them more for your money. The ingrates.
But maybe you’re one of those people who actually will end up shopping for Christmas presents prior to Christmas. Well, why are wasting your time reading the G-Spot? Because I’m going to help you out.
Are you still wondering what to get your foresight-impaired friends? Unfortunately, you just missed a wonderful auction on eBay. An antique glass eye (from 1930s Germany, you know, right before they decided to defeat almost all of Europe, only to fall prey to bad decisions and complete insanity. But hey, it makes for some really good movies. And Volkswagens.) Sold on December 17, there were both grey and green glass eyes on eBay (http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1495718113). Though it apparently suffered some discoloration, I shouldn’t have passed this item up. Alas, hindsight!
Turning our eyes to “The Sharper ImageÔ”, the home of all that is gaudy and overpriced, and turning to the “Gifts from $300 and up” section, we happen upon the “Personal Hygiene SystemÔ”, a vague and unassuming enough name for perhaps the greatest invention since sliced spam. (http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview.jhtml?pid=36091500&pcatid=20&catid=2011) There was a Simpsons episode where the Simpsons went to Japan, and when they got there, they found that Japan had the most amazing toilets in the world. Upon seeing that episode, I sat in my room and bawled for upwards of ten seconds, fearing that the United States would never approach the Japanese toiletry standards. It appears, however, that my tears were unnecessary, for this newfangled contraption may even surpass the Japanese standard. In addition to warming the toilet seat, it offers warm air flow for drying something and “intimate cleansing”. Although it sounds rather devilish, it may be the best gift ever. Unfortunately, it is $1185.
So maybe you’re looking to be a cheapskate. Oh, you’d love to make your friends’ trips to the water closet more comfortable, but you simply don’t have $1185, since you donated all that money to the Red Cross (between you and me, we know what you really spent the cash on, but, being in polite company, I dare not speak its name). Hmm… well, everyone loves to read whilst in the rest facility, right? And everyone likes to read Jerry Falwell, right? So why not put them together? Shockingly, it appears that Jerry Falwell has managed to make the supply of his autobiography actually exceed the demand. Hence, for a mere $6 (used from borders.com), you can give your friends toilet paper. It should be nearly as comfortable as the “Personal Hygiene SystemÔ”, and should also be more delightfully condescending. And what says Christmas more than an uncompromising and outspoken minister from a town called “Lynchburg”? Nothin’.
If you happen to live in an area that is not under the control of Christian conservatives, you may have met people who do not celebrate Christmas. Despite recent efforts to completely secularize the birth of Santa, there is still this little problem that some people aren’t terribly keen on that Jesus guy. So what is there for these Santa-less, Jesus-less folks to buy around now? A little cutie known as “Manny the Menorah”! (http://www.target.com/common/catalog/product.jhtml?navAction=jump&navCount=14&prodid=102346). While he may not make trips to the rest room more pleasant, he will induce many hours of dreidel-spinning fun. To complement Manny, you can get the Magic Spinning Dreidel for only $4. What a deal! At this point, I think it is very important that I sincerely apologize to everyone who loves Hanukkah, and say that this gift is just plain weird. On a sidenote, Microsoft Word does not recognize “dreidel” as a word. It doesn’t recognize “Gabe” as a word either, so I think that this is a clear sign of atheism.
I admit that I haven’t really told you how to pull
off this shopping, or how to get your gifts before Christmas.
I admit that I have not actually helped you in any way.
Indeed, I have almost certainly been a hindrance.
I’m rather proud of myself, personally.