Four Easy Ways to Get a Date after the
Holidays
These tried and true tactics will get you a sweetie-pie easy as
apple pie.
I think we all know what we wanted to see most under
our Christmas tree/menorah this year, and I think it’s something that
was rather hard to put in a box… Yes,
we were all looking for an attractive member of the opposite sex to cuddle
up to under the mistletoe. And
while some of you might have gotten one (but let’s be honest with
ourselves here: if you’re
reading this article, you probably haven’t got a significant other at
the moment.), some of us aren’t so lucky.
Not this writer, of course…
I have “game”, as they call it.
You might not, but then that’s why I write these things.
So rather than spending the post-holiday period
alone, crying into a glass of tepid Wawa eggnog, why not get a quick
transfusion of game? Doc
G-Spot’s got the cure-all for your loveless ills.
1. Hat’s All, Folks!
We all love the random and meaningless exchanges of kisses traditionally exchanged underneath the mistletoe, except that that hottie who’s caught your eye never wandered into its sway. Well, it’s time for you to take charge! If the hottie won’t come to the mistletoe, then, as the old adage goes, bring the mistletoe to the hottie.
To that end, we suggest constructing a hat with mistletoe affixed to it. Then wander over to the hot one and lock lips. He or she will be stick by you like flies to flypaper. You can thank us later.
2. Shake that Nass
This one’s almost too easy.
All it requires is that you lack self-respect and are pretty.
If you need help on the latter, consult your local issue of
“Cosmopolitan”. If you
need help on the former, refer to the article “You are stupid and ugly
and no one likes you at all” in the next issue of the G-Spot.
All you have to do is feign interest in a Nassau
Weekly editor. Eventually,
sleep with him. Now suggest
that maybe there ought to be a redux of the much-hyped Top Ten Attractive
Females on Campus article from last year.
Only this time, you’re in it.
And not just in it, either, but on the top.
Guys will give their right arms to date you.
Unless, of course, you’re male, in which case this whole idea
will likely fail.
3. Lookin’ Fine
If you’re this far along, I assume the previous
plans have met neither success nor your liking.
Well, if that’s the case, I present a plan bound to succeed.
Simply go to the basement of the Fine-Jadwin-McDonnell complex (you
know, where your Politics precept was), and scream “Does anybody here
want to integrate with me e to the x from ten to two-thirty?”, or some
other similar mathematical jargon for sleeping together.
If the scientists aren’t too engrossed in their n-manifolds to
notice you’ve come on to them, they’ll fall for you like trees in the
woods when no one’s around. You can also try this trick in the E-Quad or Computer Science
Building, but it is unlikely that the denizens of such locales have the
ability to interact with people well enough to sustain a conversation, let
alone a relationship.
4. Try a Townie on for Size
Of course, we haven’t even ventured onto the topic
of Nassau Street. This brings
us to a question that is too often glossed over for fear of inciting
intellectual debate: whether or not it is acceptable to date a townie. Anyone worth his or her salt knows that this is indeed a step
below kissing one’s cousins, but is it a step below kissing no one?
I say no.
So if you want to snaggle yourself a townie, saunter
into the Banana Republic or Smith Bros., or Zoe, or any of the other local
stores that ‘the Prince’ is keen on rambling about.
Try on their hottest (read “sluttiest” for females,
“hunkiest” for males) apparel, and ask the cute cashier how it looks.
Then spend some time debating between styles in the undergarments
section. When you suggest
that you need accompaniment to the next formal, the cashier will be all
too willing to oblige.
So now the only excuses for not having someone with whom to open your presents this year are your total repugnance, complete lack of personality, and, of course, your habit of punching anyone to whom you are attracted. But with these suggestions, even you just might be able to find a somewhat-special someone with whom to cuddle after your finals have had their fun.