Your Super Special January 2003 Horoscope
(Predictions are non-transferable.)
Capricorn (Dec 21-Jan 19)
You’ll find your finals as cold as your birth month.
Your friends will not have much trouble and they will make you feel
stupid by saying things like, “Wasn’t that test easy?” and “Well,
looks like there won’t be a curve on this one.”
Kick them in the teeth near the 26th.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 17)
The Moon is approaching Taurus the Bull, and you might soon find yourself
drawn to one yourself. As in
the car, not the sign. But
don’t let the car shopping distract you from your papers. Mars is rearing his ugly head, and is looking to bring you
down on the 13th.
Pisces (Feb 18-Mar 20)
Your friends are noticing that you are getting moody and testy, but they
can’t figure out why. Nor
do they care. Try baking some
cookies to woo them back. If
it doesn’t work, send them to me at 205 Forbes, because I am hungry.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You might not want to do what you’re thinking about.
It sounds good at the moment, but what with the Moon being in your
6th House, it’s likely to backfire.
Take a step back and analyze the situation a little more.
Only after thought should you continue with the plan to beat up
your professors.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 19)
Given the current state that your grades are in, you are feeling
despondent, sad, and irritable. However,
the Sun in Capricorn gives you an out.
Have you ever seen “Dead Man on Campus”?
Killing your roommate just might be the answer you’re looking
for. Plus, you won’t have
to deal with sexile again for quite some time…
Gemini (May 20-June 20)
You have drawn the Death card. Worry not, that implies change, not Death.
Ah, the next card is the Fool.
You are concerned about failing out, but rest easy, for I see you
also have the Legacy card hidden up your sleeve.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
I foresee in your future much alcohol.
The feeling is strongest around the 14th and around the 23rd.
Further predictions will be $2.99 for the first minute and 99 cents
for each minute thereafter.
Leo (July 22-Aug 22)
Reading period and finals may have you all riled up, but you can easily
cool your temper by getting hot and heavy with a hottie.
Scope out the singles on the Colonial dance floor, or the Firestone
B Floor. Watch out for
Capricorns, though; they’ll want more than you’re willing to give.
Your Econ notes, for a start.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 21)
With Jupiter in the house, you’re raging and ready to go, but your love
life still needs to get up to speed.
Forget that boring studying and hit the Street around Dean’s
Date. When you’re
approached on the dance floor by someone complaining about how capris only
look good on “girls”, it’s really just a come-on.
No matter how repulsed the speaker may seem.
Libra (Sept 22-Oct 22)
Venus coinciding with Neptune ought to mirror your life; coincide with the
hotties in your hard classes for a study group.
Not only will you savor the view, but you just might be able to
pull out a decent grade. No
one dateable in your classes? No
worries. Find out what
classes your crush is in, then pretend to be in the one with the largest
enrollment. Works like a
charm.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You might think that you’re falling for that cutie you see all the time
at Frist, but Mercury’s closeness indicates you ought to try someone
you’ve actually spoken to. Perhaps
that passable Math major in your precept is available. (Silly.
Of course Math majors are available.)
If you don’t get love out of it, at least you might get some free
tutoring.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 20)
A wise woman once said, “He wanted her, she’d never tell / Secretly
she wanted him as well.” Why
does Avril Lavigne matter to you? You’re
setting yourself up to make a big mistake near the 20th.
Don’t let appearances deceive you.
Just because your flame isn’t in a glamourous major or eating
club, it doesn’t mean you two wouldn’t be worth a shot.
Put the reading on the back burner and turn your crush into your
significant other.