'Karim from the Wa'
pulls out of Academics Chair race
December 4, 2002
In a shocking turn of events, 'Karim from the Wa' withdrew from
the Academics Chair race late yesterday when he discovered that he
is not actually a Princeton University student. Political analysts
are in agreement that this development has blown that campaign wide
open. Karim, the early favorite to win the Academics Chair election,
released a statement this morning explaining the reason for his
decision.
Karim's Statement:
It has come to my attention that I am not actually a student of
the University. I am, therefore, ineligible to run for USG office.
I wish the best of luck to my opponents, who, due to circumstances
beyond their control, are way less cool than me. I deeply regret
that I cannot grace the U-Council with my total awesomeness.
Nevertheless, I am confident that whoever is elected will do a
fine job - at proving how much they suck compared to me.
I can sing along to the Wawa store music. I can make irreverent
quips to customers when I'm behind the counter. I watch WWE. I
have seen porn on several occasions. Can any of my fellow
candidates make these claims? I don't think so.
I would like to thank my campaign staff, who by supporting me
managed for a brief while to absorb some of my sweetness. I regret
that I must cut short my campaign and deprive my supporters of
this coolness-through-association.
-Karim
The colorful Wawa employee was the clear favorite in the
otherwise unremarkable field of candidates for the postition of
Academics Chair. Early polls had him in a comfortable 30-point lead
over his nearest opponent. Politics Department Chair Jeffrey I.
Herbst, a noted electoral expert, attributed the cashier's
popularity to his attitude, "which is friendly, yet rude at the
same time".
Karim's former opponents seemed relieved by news of his removal
from the ballot, but most feigned a lack of concern. "He was
really a non-entity in this campaign, as far as I'm concerned,"
said a self-deceiving Shoum Chakravarti '05. "The guy never even
had any policies." When asked what his policies were,
Chakravarti declined comment.
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