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| Opinions
- The way you see it |
To get a feel for how Princeton undergraduates feel
about the issues, the candidates and the controversies of the USG
elections, we asked four students to respond to a series of
important questions. They're all men, just to piss off OWL.
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Hans Frieberger '06
Philosophy Major, chain smoker
Hans is an America-hating nihilist from Germany. He
brought a valuable perspective to the panel - that of a
man who cares about nothing except his hate for American
culture. He is the president of the Princeton Eurotrash
Society and spends his free time blaming America for his
inability to grow facial hair. |
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Edward P. Donaldson
III '04
Woodrow Wilson School Policy Wonk
Edward, another valuable member of the team, is a
two-time failed Class of 2004 Senatorial candidate. He
has given up on running for office and has decided to
simply analyze others ad nauseum. He was happy to submit
a 43-page policy recommendation to the Pauper concerning
our coverage of the USG elections. We told him to fuck
off. |
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Andrew Pengahedron
'05
Electrical Engineer, Cyborg
Andrew, the Evil Applications of Technology Chair at
Charter Club, is concerned primarily with dominating the
human race. A well-rounded evil cyborg, he is also
interested in inflicting pain on cute animals. He spends
his free time regenerating in his psi-tron chamber. |
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Joe Tarrassi '03
Linebacker, drunk.
Joe is the Creative Drinking Mentor at Tiger Inn. He
teaches newly-initiated how to improve their drinking
performance by using the newest techniques developed by
TI experts. Joe, the panel's only senior, impressed all
by displaying an ignorance so complete it bordered on
mental illness. |
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Question
1
In your opinion, what is the purpose of the USG? |
| Frieberger: You stupid Americans are always
questioning things that do not matter. The purpose of this USG is
irrelevant. Your culture will soon implode from its own
self-centered materialism, anyway.
Donaldson: The USG exists as an democratic institution
through which the governed and government interact. There is a separation
of powers that delineates the responsibilities of the USG and the
University administration and defines their jurisdictions. Political
theory proves the USG's purpose is therefore to increase funding to
the Woodrow Wilson School.
Pengahedron: Fools! The USG is merely a pawn in my
unstoppable plan to take control of the university! First Princeton,
then the entire human race! MUHAHAHA...
RUNTIME ERROR 23378 - 'evil' parameter has exceeded limit.
Tarrassi: Shut up, Pentiumface.
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Question
2
Which candidate do you favor and why? |
| Frieberger: The candidates all have platforms
that fail to to grasp one simple principle: life has no meaning.
They are all worthless. I am worthless, you are worthless, and this
pointless democratic debate is worthless. I favor nothing and no
one.
Donaldson: Well, Mr. Carrasco is obviously out of the
question. His campaign really reminds me of Ross Perot's, actually.
It's really quite interesting, you see -
Pengahedron: Initiating reboot
sequence! Running evil subroutines! Ah, yes. I am back online
now. I had to shut down temporarily so I could empty my Recycle Bin.
My Evil Recycle Bin, that is.
Tarrassi: I'm with the nerd on this one. That Carrasco guy
needs to learn his role - the USG is for rich white kids only. Hey,
maybe I should run!
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Question
3
What do you think about the current administration's Precept Reform
initiative? |
| Frieberger:
These precepts you Americans love so dearly are nothing more than
institutions of indoctrination for your impressionable young. You
are all being brainwashed by your cowboy president so you can grow
up to be instruments of American imperialistic globalization.
Donaldson: Uh, Hans, I don't think Germans are really at
liberty to talk about brainwashing youth into soldiers, considering
your hist-
Pengahedron: SILENCE, HUMANS! You will all be my servants
in due time! Precepts are for humanities majors. Evil Electrical
Engineers have no time for such trivial pursuits, for we are too
busy taking over the world. Kneel, scum!
Tarrassi: What's a precept?
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