Headlines
Fox
completes filming of reality show Joe Princetonian
Senate Committee
report: America 12% more X-TREME in 2002
Osama bin Laden
launches new airline, "Air Qaeda"
My Big Fat Greek Wedding sequel planned: My Big Fat Greek Divorce
President Bush announces he's got the "Skillz to pay
the Billz"
North Koreans line up to see Gangs
of Pyongyang
Jeff Garcia rocks out hard after
victory over Giants
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Osama bin Laden launches new
airline
Offers discount rates to US citizens as sign of good faith
In a move that caught Wall Street investment firms off guard, Osama bin
Laden announced the launch of his new airline, Air Qaeda, yesterday. The
announcement came at a surprise press conference at his company’s headquarters in one
of the half-dozen Afghani caves yet to be leveled by U.S. fighter planes.
Bin Laden said he had sincere intentions of helping the American people so
he could make up for the “poor judgment” he exercised last September.
“I never meant for those towers to fall, I swear. There was just supposed to be
a big hole in the side of each one! I mean, that’s not so bad,
right?”
As a further sign of goodwill, bin Laden promised special “discount
fares” to any U.S. citizen flying his airline. “I realize that the U.S.
economy is somewhat weak, and consumer confidence the lowest it’s been in a
decade. Now, I’m making this airline for the American people, so I’m
giving them a little incentive to fly with us. All Americans will receive 25%
discounts – 35 if they book a transcontinental flight!” Read more
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Princeton junior beats every
game of FreeCell
Student finishes game #32000
 Jumal Aswalia '04 is at first glance just
a typical Princeton student: at 5'6" and 150 pounds he is nothing out of the
ordinary. He sports worn-out blue jeans and a faded black Metallica t-shirt. He goes to
the Street about once a week, sleeps through the occasional lecture, and writes papers
just like everybody else. But this superficial look at Aswalia is deceiving. Jumal Aswalia
is a god among men.
Aswalia, a Princeton junior from Pumpkin Center, Louisiana, has completed
the Herculean task of beating every single game of FreeCell. FreeCell, the popular
solitaire card game included on most Windows-based computers, has literally thousands of
variations - 32,000, to be precise - and Jumal Aswalia has completed all of them. One
might ask how a man could possibly have time to play FreeCell over thirty thousand times,
but this is no mere mortal. "I had trouble with games 6,589 and 26,923, and for a
while there I thought that 31,091 was unbeatable," admitted the humble Aswalia,
"but I knew it was just a matter of time until I beat them all."
Jumal attributes his success to a strict regimen of Mountain Dew and
Twinkies: "I had to stay disciplined. When you're trying to win that many games you
can't let sleep or hunger get in your way." This rising young star of the computer
gaming world is now contemplating what game to move on to. When asked if he was
considering a game with a professional future, like the popular counter-terrorism shooter Counter-Strike,
Aswalia was adamant in his response. "No way. I'm going to keep it real with a game
like Snood. Or maybe Super Collapse II."
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The Pauper's coverage of the really controversial and
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