Web Exclusives: Tooke's Take
a PAW web exclusive column by Wes Tooke '98 (email: cwtooke@princeton.edu)

February 13, 2002:

From the Dean
We're looking out for you since you have no sense

To: Princeton Undergraduates

From: The Office of the Dean of Student Life

Re: Important Advice

It has come to our attention that in the weeks since our last message, undergraduates have continued to leap like lemmings from their bunk beds. Since we here in the Office of the Dean of Student Life care greatly about your well-being, we feel a responsibility to quell these little Budweiser-induced gravity storms. We are therefore pleased to announce a new policy. All students who sleep in the top bunk of a bunk bed set are hereby required to strap themselves in before sleep with a bed belt. Beginning March 1, any student in the top bunk of a bunk bed set not using a bed belt will be required to sleep on the floor for the remainder of the academic year. Free bed belts and convenient installation kits will be available at Dillon Gym beginning on February 15.

One of the benefits of the recent bunk bed crisis is that it has alerted us here at the Office of the Dean of Student Life to other potential hazards to the safety of Princeton undergraduates. We are therefore pleased to announce the following set of new initiatives that you should add to your copy of Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities:

1) Several member of the faculty report that they have seen undergraduates running with scissors. We remind students that scissors are not toys. Any undergraduate caught moving with scissors at a pace faster than a brisk walk shall be strapped into his or her bunk bed without dinner.

2) We have noticed that some undergraduates persist in forgoing overcoats on days when a person could catch his or her death of cold. Therefore any undergraduate who fails to wear at least three (3) layers on days that never reach fifty (50) degrees shall be covered in wool blankets and required to drink watery cocoa until his or her nose is no longer blue.

3) We have recently become aware of the unfortunate fact that several female undergraduates have been spotted wearing white shoes after Labor Day. This is not Yale. Taste matters. Any undergraduate violating this rule shall be forced to accept a six-month internship at Elle magazine.

4) Our associates in the University Dining Halls have mentioned that undergraduates persist in eating unbalanced diets. Frankly, young men and ladies, we're tired of repeating ourselves on this point: Rhodes Scholars and Wall Street executives do not subsist on cheese steaks alone. Therefore any undergraduate caught eating fewer than three (3) servings of fruit, two (2) servings of vegetables and one (1) serving of bran shall be publicly flogged and then forced to eat Total until he or she becomes "regular."

5) We're tired of seeing you look so tired. So we want your lights out by 11:00 p.m. No television watching after 9:00 until your schoolwork improves — and no watching any reality-program on FOX. That stuff will rot your brain. And if we catch you hanging around with that little tramp from Penn one more time, you're going to spend the next six weekends in your room. Do you understand us?

Please realize that we wouldn't have to make these rules if you would display a little common sense. Remember, punishing you hurts us more than it hurts you. And would it kill you to come by and say that you loved us every now and then? I mean, we are your (surrogate) mother.


The Office of the Dean of Student Life


You can reach Wes at cwtooke@princeton.edu