Web Exclusives: Tooke's Take
a PAW web exclusive column by Wes Tooke '98 (email: email@example.com)
April 10, 2002:
University to celebrate its "other"students
article reprinted courtesy of the Daily Princetonian.
Those strange creatures who teach our classes and arent professors
are actually students at the university, according to a press release
released yesterday by the Princeton Office of Press Releases.
"We call them graduate students,"comments the press release.
"They are a combination of students and slave labor that we
use in lieu of either hiring more assistant professors or forcing
you little miscreants to actually learn something on your own."
This discovery of "graduate students"at Princeton ironically
coincides with national Graduate Student Appreciation Week (GSAW),
which is held annually during the first week of April, which is
the fourth month of the year. "Months are a way of dividing
a year into smaller parts,"explains professor Lewis Brown of
the Astrology Department.
To help these "graduate students" celebrate their strange
pagan festival, the University has planned several activities, including
a cooler of free Tang, a voucher for half-off one movie rental from
Blockbuster Video, and a safari to the Tiger Inn taproom at 3:00
a.m. this coming Saturday night.
"That seems like a lot of stuff,"articulates Chase Woorly
04. " I mean, who's ever heard of a graduate student?
Is there any proof they even exist?"
DO THEY EXIST?
In an effort to discover if they do exist, the Prince intended
to send a reporter to the Graduate College, which is a mythical
place somewhat like Eden or Atlantis (the city under water, not
the casino, which is really cool.) But then the Prince learned
that the Graduate College is supposed to be past the golf course,
which seemed like a lot of trouble. So the Prince called
"Of course we frigging exist,"ù cries Christopher
Pundergrass GS. "I'd say that's the stupidest question I've
heard all week, except that I'm a TA in the History Department.
Student-Athletes my ass."
GRADUATE STUDENTS RUDE AND MEAN
"I talked to a graduate student once," pronounces Missy
Brown 05, the reporter from the Prince who made the
call. "He was rude and mean and sounded like he was a dork
DORK IN COLLEGE
According to his yearbook photo, Christopher Pundergrass GS was
a dork in college.
According to a separate press release released from the University
Office of Press Releases, the Graduate Student Government is planning
the biggest party ever to hit the Graduate College. "It's going
to be the biggest party in Princeton graduate student history,"yelps
Terry Lawrence GS, under-secretary of the GSG. "We're getting
a bottle of absinthe and a brand-new Scrabble board."
"We will not be sidetracked," screeched Stacey Steelman
GS, who grabbed the phone from Mr. Lawrence. "We have concerns.
We demand respect. We demand decent wages. We demand a new ping-pong
table for our dank little bar. Wait, you're not even writing this
down, are you?"
At least that's what the Prince thinks she said. We weren't
writing it down.
Although The GSG also planned to print T-shirts for the occasion,
negotiations broke down over the slogan. The National Association
of Graduate-Professional Students suggests "Have You Hugged
Your TA Today" but a group of black-sweater-wearing TAs from
the Art History Department wanted "Have You Slept With Your
TA. I'm Talking To You, Girl From Ivy.
"It's all so sad," murmurs John Adams GS, a voice of reason
who doesn't actually exist. "All we want is a little bit of
love. I mean, graduate students are people too, right?"
The Prince could neither confirm nor deny that graduate students
are people too.
You can reach Wes at firstname.lastname@example.org