at the speed of light
A new, exclusive Internet venture will find
you the oh, so perfect mate
By Wes Tooke '98 (email:
A friend of mine recently
passed along the business plan for his new Internet venture, and
as a public service I'm including his material in my column. Anyone
interested in investing in his company should send checks to the
PAW, care of Wes Tooke. I'll make sure he gets them.
Confidential Business Plan
Is there anything worse
than discovering in the middle of a date that the person across
the table from you went to a public college? Or, worse yet, majored
in Math Without Numbers at Brown? We don't think so. Other services,
such as The Right Stuff, try to match the graduates of America's
elite collages. But IvyLove.com goes a step further and utilizes
the power of the Internet to save it's customers the most valuable
resource of all: TIME! Because love shouldn't have to wait until
after your second IPO.
THE MARKET OPPORTUNITY
IvyLove.com will be
the first mover in the expanding market of elite dating services.
Our members don't have time to go to movies, play mini golf, or
wade through bars. And they don't have the patience to deal with
people who think a p/e ratio is a way of ranking shortstops. Picture
yourself, for example, back at Princeton in the Ivy Club. You knew
that everyone who made it past security would be 1) wearing black
pants, and 2) have the sort of genes and education you require in
a potential partner. Now picture yourself in the typical bar. Nobody
has prescreened anyone for you--in fact, you actually have to go
out and talk to these people yourself. How much would you pay to
avoid those awkward and tedious conversations?
THE IVYLOVE.COM SOLUTION
IvyLove.com will be
the market leader in helping individuals avoid those regrettable
dating mistakes. We match qualified graduates from Ivy League universities
(no, that does not include Penn.) Furthermore, we take into account
the kind of essential criteria that our competitors often neglect.
For example, a female graduate from the Cottage Club would only
be matched with someone of the appropriate social pedigree--perhaps
a Harvard lacrosse player and analyst at Goldman Sachs. But IvyLove.com
will go beyond those typical matchmaking services and offer a wide
variety of options to the social and financial elite. Our packages
The CEO Package Life
(Male) Our candidate fills out a form. Based on his personal information,
we provide him with a wife (pretty and smart, but not quite as smart
as him), a house on Cape Cod, two perfectly formed children, and
a $250,000 shopping spree at L.L. Bean.
For highly successful women without a moment to spare--but plenty
of guilt. We provide a handsome and intelligent doctor who spends
his spare time in Africa providing free medical care to children.
We take care of all the details from the bridesmaid dresses to the
honeymoon. Husband comes with a guaranteed shoulder to cry on--good
for 1,000,000 miles or three midlife crises.
The Trust Funder The
full package. A person who is willing to be there when you snort
the coke, have the breakdown, marry in Vegas, start the garage band,
and become a fugitive from the long arm of the Cancun Police Force.
He/she has also been trained on finding the worst possible moment
to run away with half your remaining dough. Beach house and crappy
novel not included.
We see high growth so
long as Ivy League schools continue to pump out focused and successful
individuals and Alan Greenspan remains at the Fed. The Company projects
sales of $60 million and net income of approximately $35 million
by 2002. After all, dating people from different backgrounds is
an outdated model--97 percent of Williams College graduates marry
other Williams College graduates. Or cows. The 21st century requires
a more logical system, and IvyLove.com will be the market leader.
Please don't leave the most important decision of your nonprofessional
life to chance. Don't fall in love--fall in IvyLove.
Wes Tooke '98 hails from
Boston and is a regular contributor to PAW's Web site.