a PAW web exclusive column
by Wes Tooke '98 (email: firstname.lastname@example.org)
More ignorant suggestions from our young correspondent
So we won't have old
Hal Shapiro to kick around anymore. After years of glorious sideline
heckling, things just got much more difficult for us critics - the
next time Peter Singer advocates clubbing bunnies or the inner tube
water polo team loses to Harvard and Penn in the same year, we're
going to have to find another scapegoat to chastise in our letters
Although I'm certain
that Princeton will form its usual barrage of search committees
to scrape under every academic rock for Hal's replacement, I feel
compelled to offer a few choice candidates for consideration. Please
note that I have made these suggestions with my usual level of insight
and tact. (For newcomers to the column, that would be none.)
Current Job: Commentator
for Monday Night Football
Pros: For starters,
Dennis will probably be looking for a new gig by early January.
Additionally, his ability to generate amusing quotes will prove
invaluable to my favorite oppressed group - local journalists. (A
Prince lead: President Miller, describing Houseparties weekend,
said yesterday, "The last time I saw this many drunk preppies
was when the Republicans won Congress.")
Cons: Only the
classics department will be able to understand some of his references.
of the university may be a stretch. Instead, give him a tenure track
position in the English department and watch him fight Elaine Showalter
Current Job: Professional
Pros: Just imagine
a trustee meeting during Steve Forbes '70's next ill-advised run
for the presidency. Forbes pats the table and squeaks, "So
long as the biology department continues to teach evolution, I shall
not give another dime to this university." Manchild, without
making a noise or raising a fuss, grabs Forbes by the crotch and
throat and tosses him out the window.
probably doesn't have a college degree, and his book - which briefly
perched atop the New York Times bestseller list - demonstrated
an utter ignorance of even the basic components of the English language.
may be a better fit for Brown.
Current Job: Vice
Hal was good at fundraising, he missed some critical demographic
groups. Buddhist nuns, for example.
Cons: We're already
had one stuffed president.
should never hire a guy classless enough to french his wife on national
television. Or, worse yet, who thinks that being the inspiration
for Love Story is an admirable thing. Let the stiff run the
Current Job: Head
basketball coach of Northwestern University
Pros: Maybe if
we offer him the job of president, he'll also find time to coach
the basketball team.
Cons: The faculty
probably doesn't have the attention span to learn the intricacies
of the Princeton offense.
Gloger and Young, the team is in trouble anyway. Let Carmody discover
how much fun it is to be the Yale of the Big 10.
Current Job: Transient
writer (read, unemployed)
Pros: I think
I have a fundamental understanding of the four words that make Princeton
great: Free Beer For Everyone. I pledge to follow Hal's example
and tinker at the fringes of the club system while allowing undergraduates
to remain as stupid as they want to be. And no more foolish wristbands
at Reunions - your eight-year-old son will be able to get as hammered
as he wants under a Tooke administration.
Cons: The politics
department shall feel my wrath for its reaction to my creative thesis.
All shall fall before the sword. And six months after I retire,
Princeton will face NCAA sanctions for the BMWs I gave to the basketball
recruits who helped us win the national championship.
me for minimum wage and a case of Bud Light. With the money Princeton
saves on salary, the alumni office will be able to Fed-Ex every
living graduate a chicken parm from Hoagie Haven every month. I
After years of competent
and dedicated leadership, isn't it time to change the way Princeton
does business? Don't hire another dull academic. Vote Tooke.
Wes Tooke is a regular
contributor to PAW Online. You can reach him at email@example.com