"When I was a kid I thought if I ate a red, an orange and a yellow Sour Patch at the same time I'd be able to breathe fire, if only once."
"I have this awful habit of drawing on my tummy and making my belly button the mouth of a face..."
"I am happy two days a week."
"Whenever I pass a reception on campus, I eat the cheese and crackers. Especially when nobody's looking."
"I knocked my roommate's Listerine over into the toilet, filled with piss, at 3 a.m. I never told him. That was two weeks ago and more Listerine is gone each day."