DARTMOUTH
1974
The Princeton University marching Band takes a long hard look at things that are green.
It is common knowledge that there are two basic kinds of students
at Dartmouth: offensive and defensive, although the Princeton Band
has found that most are offensive.
And, although there are plenty of left tackles, we find there is not
enough right guard.
(Band forms aerosol can)
Speaking of Dartmouth vegetables, the Band makes a pea on the field
and salutes the jolly green giant and his little green sprout.
(Band forms a pea)
Forming a used tissue on the field, the Band notes that excessive
frigiditiy at Dartmouth has caused a shortage of kleenex, tissues,
napkins, and other articles.
"Greensleeves"
(after Greensleeves the Band softly plays "The Sound of Music")
Ah yes, the Green Hills are alive with the sound of mucus. This has led many people to believe that the main drawback of Dartmouth is the cold. This sleaves Dartmouth students with one alternative.
RUTGERS
September 28, 1974
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the Rutgers University Marching Band. The Rutgers Band always comes on the field in a most charming and graceful manner, reflecting the innate sensitivity of Rutgers undergraduates.
Once on the field, the Band performs a complicated dance step.
(Band stick beats into a line)
This is followed by a typical Rutgers dance rendition of one of their Top Ten hits. Watch now as the Band renders a split hare on the field.
(Band forms a split hair -- two horizontal lines)
(Band stick beats into a hand)
The Band drops everything to look at what it takes to make a Rutgers pom-pom girl. ('girls' come out front)
(Band is in hand formation)
The two most important requirements for a Rutgers pom-pom girl are:
and (1) left.
(Band is in hand)
The Band gives the pom-pom girls a big hand as they leave the field to perform with the Rutgers horse.
(Band is in hand)
(stick beats into arrow)
Everybody knows that no Rutgers show is complete without a bit of precision drill. So, finally the Band executes a typical Rutgers exit.
(Band changes <----<-<-< into ------>)
COLGATE
1974
The Princeton University band takes a long, hard look, at things that go in your mouth.
Everybody has a favorite thing to put in his mouth.
For instance:
- with Spiro Agnew, it was his foot;
- with Richard Nixon, it was his leg;
- and, with Shleby Cullum Davis, it is always both feet.
- with a baby, it is a bottle;
- with a Princeton undergraduate, it is a bottle;
- and, with a Princeton Alumnus, it is a bottle;
- finally, with a Colgate undergraduate, it is paste from a tube.
The Band now forms a mouth on the field and asks "What's your favorite thing?"
(Band changes from '?' to '<')
One expert on things that go in your mouth, Eule Gibbons, a
renowned natural foods freak, recently was rushed to a florist after
mistakenly eating an artificial Christmas tree.
During a preliminary autopsy, doctors also discovered a chronic
case of Dutch Elm disease complicated by termites.
Mr. Gibbons' remains were put in a savings account and composted daily.
The Band forms a compost heap on the field and plays a musical
tribute to Eule and his ravenous appetite.
(Band forms compost heap)
Many students go to Commons to put things in their mouths,
strange as that may sound.
The Band displays one such item, the famous Commons T-bone.
The Band maintains, however, that as far as Commons is concerned,
"what goes in, must also come out."
After entering the mouth, the Band emerges in blob formation playing "Blowing in the Wind.")
COLUMBIA
1974
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Band takes a long, hard look at recent campus innovations.
(Band breaks from block band and goes into keyhole)
Speaking of jaundiced jingo journalism, one of the most startling, striking, and superfluously stupid innovations on campus is accurate and informative reporting by The Daily Princetonian. Last spring, the Yellow rag featured an article on the most effective techniques for breaking into dormitory rooms. The Proctors subsequently reported a 43% increase in theft. Thieves on campus would like to thank The Daily Princetonian for an invitation to...
(Band stick beats into a blob)
The Band notes yet another innovation, the Wa-Wa supermarket, which seems to have made campus facilities complete. And indeed, Wa-Wa seems to have everything. Where else can you buy a candy bar, a soda, and a pack of chewing gum, and still get 2 cents back from your five-dollar bill? And yet, even disregarding the prices, it would still be easy to reject Wa-Wa's quality. We now join some bewildered Princetonians, inspecting the meat section, as they ask:
(stick beats into curves)
Finally, the Band welcomes our special guests this afternoon. In our stands are 300 odd alumni, who are here to observe innovations. Noting the Open Admissions policy, one toothless alum was overheard to say "This certainly has broadened the Princeton Experience." Forming on the field:
- a)
- a broadened experience
- b)
- an experienced broad, or
- c)
- an oval with points,
the Band salutes this particular innovation.
BROWN
1974
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University vacationing Band reveals the shocking truth as it takes a long, hard look at 50 years of Brown bands. The Brown band was formed in 1924 to provide musical entertainment at football halftimes. It is during this period that the Brown band is credited with the invention of the world's first bass drum roll.
However, that didn't work.
So after considerable cogitation, they decided they needed something
more.
Unfortunately, they still had problems. For instance, they spent 10 years trying to answer the Zen Buddhist-inspired question "What is the sound of one cymbal crashing?" Giving up on quality, they decided to try quantity, and this was the result:
Band is wearing brown paper bags on feet and heads.)
Failing in musical ability, they
tried a bit of precision drill.
Emulating Ohio State, they attempted to form a script Brown
on the field.
doesn't get very far, tuba dots the 'i')
However, they were never successful, and they submitted the
problem to Hymie Blatowski, Brown's crack mathematician, who proved the
formation was topologically impossible.
In spite of all these problems the Brown band made steady progress;
and in 1969 an aural miracle occured during a heated argument.
He ducks and cymbals crash, band stops and goes "oooooooh!")
(cowbell cadence off)
The Brown Band has lived happily every after.
HARVARD
November 9, 1974
The Princeton University Band takes a long harding look at concerned alumni.
Recently CAP, sometimes known as Concerned Alumni of Princeton, has
attributed the rise in campus crime to the opening of the
FitzRandolph Gates.
For all you freshmen and transfers, those are the gates across from
Nassau Liquours.
The Band, however, maintains that most of the trouble comes from the
pen of T. Harding Jones, a self-appointed theologian, philosopher,
campus politico, sociologist, lawyer, and Great Right Hope.
The Band now gives CAP a right-handed compliment.
(Band forms 'R C AP', then the 'R' marches into place)
The Band would now like to salute Shelby Cullom Davis '30.
As many of you know, Ambassador Davis has made magnificent contributions
to Princeton in the past.
Now, he supports the student's favorite comic
book -- Prospect magazine.
The Band would like to join Ambassador Davis's long list of
beneficiaries.
We plan to travel
to the West Coast this spring and would welcome Mr. Davis's
support of our trip.
If he does help, we promise that while in California we will serenade
another of his favorite charity cases, Richard M. Nixon.
If he gives us enough, we promise we will stay in California.
Following the example of CAP, certain alumni of Harvard have formed
their own reactionary organization, the Harvard Johns.
At a recent metting, after the secretary took the roll, they fought
over the last tissue.
Then they went on to discuss a recent retirement which left a vacant
seat on the board of Harvard Johns.
Finally, they went on to formulate their two main objectives, which
read as follows:
- Number One) To rectify the gross misconceptions heaped upon us by radical student movements.
- Number Two) to establish a flush fund to keep things running smoothly for us and our posteriorities.
Unlike ambassadors and alumni, undergraduates have no visible means
of support.
To rectify this situation, the Band suggests that an organization for
undergraduates be formed.
This organization, to be named the Concerned Undergraduates of Princeton,
would give students the added lift they need in today's rough and
tumble world.
The Band now spells on the field:
- a)
- cup
- b)
- cup
- c)
- cup, or
- d)
- CUP
YALE
1974
The Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at poor taste.
We would like to thank the Yale Band for giving us the opportunity
to participate in a salute to the great American composer Ives.
In his remarkable career, Mr. Ives not only broadened the spectrum of
American music, but he also revolutionized the theory of harmony and
counterpoint.
Yes folks, we'll always remember good ol' Burly -- that guy could
really carry a tune.
The Band now forms on the field
- a)
- Burl Ives singing "God Bless America"
- b)
- Kate Smith singing "Jimmy Crack Corn"
- or c) Jimmy crack corn singing "God bless Burl Ives"
Being the Princeton Band means never having to say you're sorry,
so with this in mind, what can you say about a 25 year-old
bulldog that died?
That it had more tail than most Yale students?
That it liked telephone poles, and fire hydrants, and Yale students?
What the Princeton Band can say about the bulldog, is that it
died of overuse.
Forming:
- a)
- a bulldog
- b)
- a yale student, or
- c)
- a combination of the two,
the Princeton Band offers its condolences to the bulldog and all his descendants in the stands.
CORNELL
1974
Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at higher mathematics.
The first mathematician was, of course, Adam.
Although the concepts he had in hand were rather unsophisticated,
we must not overlook the fundamental arithmetic relationship
which Adam discovered and applied with invaluable assistance from
Eve.
(Band forms 1+1=3)
Another important mathematical concept is the geometric progression.
This exhibits the interrelationship of mathematics and biology.
This interrelationship was best explained by a little-known
(but very knowing) instructor of mathematics who, when asked by one
of his students how to evaluate a geometric progression, replied, "Just
do it like a rabbit."
The socially inept student may ask, "Why
rabbitus prolificus?"
The Band responds, "Y nought?" on the field.
(Band forms Yo)
It has come to our attention that there are those who are not
fully appreciative of the intellectual (and other) pursuits of the Band.
To counter
these suspicions, the Band would like to present our addition to
the field of topology, which we have named "Stadium Theory."
Although a thorough exposition of the details is far beyond the scope of
this show, we will present here a few of the theorems for illustration.
- Theorem 1:
- (Well, never mind)
- Theorem 2:
- The enjoyment one experiences at a football stadium is directly related to the percentage of alcohol in the bloodstream.
- Theorem 3:
- The successful operation of the Princeton Band requires a large number of dollars. Thank you for your support.
- Theorem 4:
- The degree of dissatisfaction exhibited by a Princeton alumnus as he writes a letter complaining about a half-time show is often directly proportional to the square of the number of years which have passed since his graduation.
- Theorem 5 (also known as the "Dave Rahr Sensual Limit Theorem"):
- As the Band approaches the Sensual Limit, Dave Rahr tends to "poop-oop." Think about it.
The proof of these theorems is left as an exercise for the interested observer.
(Band forms Q.E.D.)
The Band, of course, realizes that a necessary condition for the
enjoyment of any intellectual endeavor is that the person involved
posess sufficient mental capacity to apologize to the members of the
Concerned Alumni of Princeton, who were, no doubt, bored by this show.