Media

The Band's announcer for the 1991 football season was Bruce Kennedy '92.

CORNELL
September 21, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at silly happenings around the campus and the world.

"Princeton Forward"

(Trumpets play NBC News theme)

This just in: President Hal Shapiro disappeared from his office early this afternoon, immediately before the scheduled signing of the controversial Keg Treaty. Nassau Hall reports that Shapiro was feeling ill due to the stress of making too many decisions without thinking them through. He is taking a "long vacation" to recover. Former alcohol czar Carl Wartenburg has proclaimed a state of emergency, and has formed The Committee to Re-Erect Princeton Social Life. The committee includes such hardliners as: Dean of Admissions Alexi Santana, Student Affairs Coordinator Brooke Shields, Chairman of the Honor Committee Teddy Kennedy, DFS Manager Jeffrey Dahmer, and Share Director Pee Wee Herman.

Forming a resurrected keg on the field, the Band plays the theme song of Hal's new vacation home.

"Jailhouse Rock"
(Band forms a keg)


In a related story, it's September, and the Dial Elm Cannon Club is insolvent...as usual. In keeping with its tradition of aggressive expansion, DEC has taken over the oh-so-solvent Soviet Union. After all, kegs are still legal there. The resulting organization, the DEC-CCCP, has chosen as their motto "Party Hardy, Comrade." Unfortunately, after only a few short months, the DEC-CCCP has had to close its doors due to an image problem and increasingly sticky floors in the Kremlin. Forming, on the left, the scum on the Kremlin floor, and on the the right, Gorbachev's birthmark, the Band plays the new DEC-CCCP anthem.

"Miller Time"
(Band forms two blobs)


Turning now to some local news...People all over America are celebrating the failure of the Soviet coup. Except of course, in Winchita Kansas, where demonstrators protested because the coup was aborted. But the fact still remains that the Big Red Menace just isn't as big, or as red, or as menacing as it used to be -- just like Cornell. In fact, only one Big Red threat remains that could hurt the free people of the world, by wiping out the intellectual growth of our youth. No, it's not Cornell's School of Hotel Management. It's the last Soviet strike in the cold war: TETRIS.

"Wipeout"
(Band forms a Tetris board with pieces falling in)


With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the game "Capture the Flag" has taken on a whole new meaning. Soviet children now say "You sank my republic -- pretty sneaky, sis!" Other pastimes include "Pin the birthmark on the Soviet leader," "Go Fission," "Bobbing for Warheads," and "Button, Button, who's got the button?" The Band now demonstrates the latest Soviet children's game, shown here actual size.

(Band forms four blobs, each with a label for a different Soviet Republic: "Estonia," "Ithaca" "Fahrvergnügen," and "Oshkosh Bgosh.")

Duck, Duck, DUCK!!! BOOM! (Drum major runs to blob each in turn, last blob explodes.)

"Another One Bites the Dust"

FORDHAM
September 28, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a cutting look at censorship in the '90s. This show may not be appropriate for children under 17.

"Princeton Forward"


We were going to do a really funny joke about Catholicism, but it got censored. Few people realize quite how prevalent censorship is in our society--for example, the recent blockbuster movie "The Pope Must Die" was advertised under the less offensive name "The Pope Must Diet." Other movies with changed titles include "Debbie Does Dishes," "Insects, Lies, and Videotape," "Sammy and Rosie Get Spayed," "The Last Temptation of Chrysler," and "Moby Richard." But the Band's favorite movie of recent times is "Vatican 2: Judgement Day," starring Arnold Schwartzeneggar as Pope Innocent XII, and including the famous line, "Ave Maria, Baby." Saluting the second coming, the Band forms the apocalypse on the field and watches as the saints go marching in, one last time.

"As the Saints Go Marching In"
(Band forms 'V2')


Speaking of the apocalypse, take New York. ("Please. No, really!") If cities could be censored, the Big Apple would be the first to go, or at least the subway system. After all, New York City is responsible for the corruption of our youth caused by those trips to the museum, where young impressionable children can see The Rape of the Sabine Women, the Venus de Milo, Michalangelo's David, and those awful reproductions in the gift shop. And if Robert Mappelthorp can be censored, why not the Fordham band; they're much more offensive. So the Band urges you to be alert for censorship even in your own backyard. Forming your own backyard on the field...

(Band forms large rectangle with single trash player mowing the lawn)

Oh, sorry. This is the Bronx.

(rectangle gets much smaller)

That's better. The Band plays "Don't Fence Me In."

"Don't Fence Me In"


Who's to say that censorship of New York will end with art? If we really want a clean, inoffensive city, we can't have those subway trains going in and out of tunnels all the time without an NC-17 rating, now can we? Actually, we probably shouldn't make a crack about the New York City subway system. Jokes directed at such a safe and effective form of mass transportation would only crash and burn, killing five people. Speaking of censoring disasters, we've heard rumors that the Fordham athletic department has censored all records of last year's football season, calling it embarrassing, uh, I mean sensitive information. We think that a better solution would be to just censor the entire Fordham football program. Forming a wrecking ball on the field, the Band offers to help the walls of Jack Coffey Field come tumblin' down.

"Joshua"
(Band forms a wrecking ball)


And now for the Ram Band, thank you ma'am.

COLGATE
October 5, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents a probing, in-depth look at fraudelence.

"Princeton Forward"


Fakes, frauds, and phonies -- the world is just full of things that aren't quite what they seem. There's DFS tofu parmesan, pectoral implants, cold fusion, Velveeta, cubic zirconium, Nancy Reagan's left breast, and Colgate, with new and improved MFP -- Mediocre Football Players. And then there's the keg ban...oh, sorry, that's not fake, it's all too real. And in this age of falsity, even the Student Rug Agency is expanding to better serve Princeton's oh-so masculine image. Forming a toupee (and you thought only women could fake it), the Band plays "I'm Gonna Wash that Hair Right Out of My Man."

"Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair"
(Band forms toupee, DM's comb it)


We're here at one of America's finest universities, where we've secretly replaced their usual President, Hal Shapiro, with Folger's Crystals. No one noticed. No one noticed last Spring's fraud either, when the University granted George Bush an honorary degree. If we're going to do that, we may as well give Dan Quayle a certificate in the Latin American Studies program; but only if he bones up on his Latin. Speaking of pulling one over on the public, the Band salutes the biggest fraud of recent times, in which two people made millions of dollars just by moving their lips, and plays a tribute to Milli Vanilli.

"Phantom of the Opera" begins playing over the PA
(Band forms dollar sign and fakes playing)


But wait! The Band isn't a fake. We can play that for real.

"Phantom of the Opera"


In July, the Registrar's office reported that 200 blank transcripts and the embossing machine were stolen. During the Summer, Associate Dean of Students Murt Whitcomb quit her job. Coincidence? You decide. To order your very own monogrammed transcript, dial 258-SCAM and kiss your problem sets goodbye. "Press 4 for an A, 3 for a B, or 3.5 for a B+. If you are calling from a rotary phone, please wait for the lady with the bun." Improving it's GPA, the Band salutes West College: last year one fake student -- this year, 200 bogus alumni.

"Pomp and Circumstance"
(Band forms an 'F', changes to an 'A')


You know what they say about the size of your band: the smaller it is, the harder you have to blow.

BROWN
October 12, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a simple and straightforward look at happenings at Brown, using small words, so the Brown students can follow along.

"Princeton Forward"


It has come to our attention that Brown University has changed its team's name from the "Bruins" to the "Bears," in response to student's inability to grapple with large words. Other ideas that were considered include:

a)
The Brown Bags
b)
The Big Brown
c)
Dick run. Run Dick, run!
d)
The Brown Ees
e)
The Brown Tide
f)
The Brown Band

Because of these same problems with polysyllabic words, the state of Rhode Island has decided to change the name "Providence" to "Uhhh." Forming 'UH' on the field, the Band salutes the average bubble-headed Brown student and plays "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

"I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
(Band forms 'UH')


Another sweeping change at Brown this year is the abolition of the coed bathrooms. Now Brown students will just have to meet their dates somewhere else. Other unanticipated problems have also developed. Due to mounting confusion, the Brown band doesn't know which one to go into. To remedy the situation, the University is offering a new course, "SEX 101: What You Are." Also, to alleviate accusations of hermaphrophobia, the administration has decided to add a third type of bathroom for the Brown band. Forming the new symbol on the door, the Band plays "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In."

"I Hear You Knocking"
(Band forms a question mark)


Speaking of confusion, Ivy League football looks pretty complicated this year, so we asked those guys from Saturday Night Live what they thought of the situation.

1
Who do you think is da worst team in the Ivy League dis year?
2
Da Bears.
1
But what if dey had Joe Montana, Dick Butkiss, and God?
2
Well...would Ditka coach?
1
Yeah.
2
I still gotta go with...a loss for da Bears.
1
But what if they were playing a team made up of Nelson Mandella, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and Brooke Shields as tight end -- who do ya think would lose?
2
Da Bears.
1
Well, who do ya think is gonna win today's game?
2
Da Tigers!
1
Why are we so blessed?
"Tiger Rag"
(Band forms a 'T')


And now for a band playing songs by dead white male authors....

BUCKNELL
October 19, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at great discoveries.

"Princeton Forward"


The first major discovery in history was language: "Blah Blah Blah (distorted speaking sounds).....Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day..."

Impassioned poetry may get you all steamy inside, but things didn't really get hot until fire was discovered. Unfortunately, that didn't happen until a poster hung above a Princeton student's bed spontaneously combusted and fell on them both. Flight was discovered by the Greek hero Icarus, when he donned wings constructed of wax and chicken feathers and hurled himself out a window. Seconds later, he made two more discoveries; the pleasures of hot wax, and gravity. (Band yells "SPLAT!") Originally, primitive man discovered that rolling a keg is the best way to keep it away from proctors. (Band member pulling keg on a leash start rolling it.) The invention of the wheel soon followed. (Band member walking with unicycle starts riding it.) Saluting all those great discoveries from the Stone Age to the age of the Stones, the Band plays "Rock Around the Clock."

"Rock Around the the Clock"
(Band forms a clock, complete with numbers and hands)


No history of great discoveries would be complete without mentioning Columbus. On this, the 499th anniversary of Columbus getting lost, one country at least is showing its respect by changing its name from "India" to "Native America."

Here Columbus is held in disfavor, but the Band urges you to remember all the great things that he has left us: a nice city in Ohio, a better name for Ninth Avenue, and a day off every year. Hey Columbus! You've just discovered the New World! What are you going to do now? "I'm going to...uh, uh, I don't know." Dispelling Columbus' confusion, the Band salutes the discovery of "Dis New World."

"Mickey Mouse March"
(Band forms Mickey's head)


Some discoveries have not changed history. The discovery of Clarence Thomas' alleged indiscretions did not stop him from being confirmed to the Supreme Court by a vote of 52 to 48. The Band wonders if it's just coincidence that the phrase "52 to 48" also represents:

Let's face it, now that the 52-48 verdict is in, Judge Thomas is here to stay, and we just can't turn him loose.

"I Can't Turn You Loose"
(Band forms a gavel)


Discoveries are constantly being made in the field of physical science. For example, the atom, once thought to be the smallest indivisible particle, was discovered to be made up of protons, electrons, and croutons, and that even croutons are made up of still smaller pieces of bread.

Scientists also once thought that four forces were enough to describe the nature of the universe, but this too has been disproven. Recent research by the Princeton University Band in the Fordham library has proven the existence of 69 fundamental forces. For example, there's the strong dissociative force that keeps Hal Shapiro away from the student body. And there's the attractive force that causes high school girls to hang out at T.I. And of course, there's The Force. Watch as our conductor uses ancient Jedi techniques to lead the Band through the Star Wars theme...blindfolded.

"Star Wars"
(Band forms a tie-fighter, conductor is blindfolded)


Luke. Your father is a bison. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

HAHVAHD
October 26, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at parapsychology, Devil worshipping, Harvard Law School, and other dubious practices.

"Princeton Forward"


Our journey into the occult begins with a look at what's in store for Harvard students in the afterlife. After much research, the Band has finally located Satan's phone number, in the Harvard Alumni Directory. (phone beeps) "Hello, you have reached voice mail from Hell. This call will cost two dollars for the first minute, your eternal soul for each additional minute. If you'd like to speak to Satan himself, press one. For the admissions office or to set up an interview, press two. Press three for the Harvard University Band, or press 69 to learn about Jessica Hahn's latest secret dream date."

"Jesus Christ Superstar"
(Band forms a pitchfork)


We believe that there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by pure coincidence. Last week, Princeton students in Blair Hall inadvertantly lit a sheet on fire; two days later, Oakland burned down. Three days later, David Duke was heard to ask: "Hey, where's my sheet?"

Are there powers we don't know about? A woman in Chicago gets a feeling of foreboding and doom; ten years later, Clarence Thomas gets appointed to the Supreme Court. Are there powers that we do know about, but choose to ignore? A woman in Cambridge feels a tingling sensation in her hand; moments later she realizes her hand is on a stove. Demonstrating the power of the unknown on the field, the Band forms Aladdin's lamp and invites the Harvard fans to come down and rub us.

"I Dream of Jeannie"
(Band forms a magic lamp, and puffs of smoke come out during the song)


(Band scrambles into a spoon)

To avoid the fate of those few unlucky Princeton graduates who get stuck in dead-end jobs, like the President of Hahvahd, Neil Rudenstine, the Band has purchased some psychic self-help books. Through ESP, we have foreseen that the Harvard Band will once again start their show with a stupid "top ten" list. Now, demonstrating the power of telekinesis, we'd like to ask the Princeton fans to concentrate on the spoon, shown here...

(Spoon bends, trombone sound effect)

But now for the ultimate challenge: Total Harmonic Convergence.

random notes segue into "Birdland"
(Band forms a bent spoon)


And now to further demonstrate its psychic prowess, the Band will turn the announcer into a chicken, and brack, braaack, braaaaack!!

COLUMBIA
November 2, 1991

Marching onto the field like the new Center for Human Values, and just as picturesque, it's the Princeton University Band.

"Princeton Forward"
(Band marches on in hollow block band)


Digging ditches, tearing down trees, and laying asphalt -- future jobs for Columbia undergrads, yes, but they're also the cornerstones of the University's campus beautification program. The University plans to rid itself of its biggest eyesore by putting Butler College on rails and dumping it into Lake Carnegie -- remember, it's better on the bottom. In the interest of both artistic beauty and gender equality, the sculpture "Oval with Points" will be moved from West College to the E-Quad next to the sculpture "Upstart #2." Elm Club, long an aesthetic catastrophe, will finally be crowned with giant birthday candles in commemoration of Triangle's 100th anniversary. Finally, to back up Ann Lander's claim that the Nude Olympics are just good, clean fun, the entire Class of '94 has been shipped off for cleaning and repairs. Forming a bar of soap on the field, the Band salutes this long overdue cleaning, and plays "Wipe Off."

"Wipe Out"
(Band forms a bar of soap)


In addition to the plans to improve the appearance of the campus, the University is also trying to improve the appearance of student life. Upon receipt of a liquor license, a bar is to opened in the basement of the Student Center. Responding to an enthusiastic reception from the students, plans have been expanded to include the construction of a wet bar in the Woodrow Wilson Fountain, and a sushi bar in the basement of the new biology building. This week's special is frog legs -- next week, sheep brain. Forming a frog's leg on the field, the Band asks that age-old question, "Why does my sushi taste like formaldehyde?" and suggests an alternative preserving fluid for the biology department.

"Tequila"
(Band forms a frog leg)


However, the recent flurry of construction and renovation will produce many benefits. The newly renovated McCarter Theatre will now be able to host American Gladiators, and sports a new arena for MONSTER TRUCKS trucks trucks. There are also plans to transform Blair Hall into the Center for Pyrotechnic Studies, Dial Lodge into the Center for Pagan Studies, and to open the brand new Woolworth Center for Extra Values. The Chapel will not be ready until December, as the Dean of the Chapel is re-installing the organ. Also being installed is a full-sized swimming pool, bungee jumping facilities, and a nautilus room, complete with a Stairmaster to Heaven. Forming bungee jumping on the field, the Band reminds you that if you twist and shout, you are more likely to fall.

"Twist and La Bamba"
(Band forms a cliff, trash member bungee jumps)


But despite the inconveniences and eyesores created by the work around the campus, at least we're not New York. Imagine how surprised we were when we heard that New York's water broke, despite their shortage of labor. Of course Columbia, demonstrating its leech-like tendencies and complete disregard for the surrounding community, will be holding crew races this weekend on the 1, the 3, and alternate service on the Lex. They have, on the other hand, helped the unemployed and homeless in the area by offering them tenure. Out of sympathy for your apparent desperate state in attending a second-rate school, we were going to present you with the only gift that we thought would help make your campus more bearable: sixty-nine thousand Stick-Ups, but of course, you already have those. Instead, forming musical superiority on the field, we'd like to play that annoying song Columbia plays every year, but didn't this year because they slept through pre-game. Sorry guys; maybe next year.

"I Hear You Knocking"
(Band forms a concert shell)

New York, New York, it's not a hell of a town; it's just plain Hell.

PENN
November 9, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a clean and tasteful look at romance in the '90s.

"Princeton Forward"


Let's start with the basics. It's been the driving force from the Supreme Being to the Supreme Court, the Big Bang to the Big Success of the latex industry, and it's the reason you're all here today. No, it's not Ivy League football; it's sex.

(Band forms 'SEX')


According to Freud, your id is primal urges, while your ego is your conscious mind. Your id says, "Yes, yes!" while your ego says, "Forty bucks!" With this near-overpowering surge of hormones, this looks like a job for SUPEREGO. Quick, Band -- think about baseball!

"Take Me Out to the Ballgame"
('SEX' changes to 'SOX')


And now for a lesson in romance that Penn students sorely need. Dinner at a fine restaurant and a walk on the beach is romantic; a cheesesteak with peppers and onions and a brisk walk through 30th Street Station is not. Nibbling on the ear of your lover can be sensual; sticking your tongue up his/her nose is not. When serenading your beloved, we recommend the soothing accompaniment of a mellow saxophone (saxes play riff from "Bolero"); not a tuba (tubas play riff from "Hail to the Chief"). Forming a heart on the field, the Band reminds you to take your date to the Academy of Music, and not to a place in West Philly where they play music like this:

"Stripper"
(Band forms a heart)


In this day and age, no discussion of romance would be complete without mentioning safety. Penn has been distributing contraceptives to all students, bringing new meaning to the term "safety school." But they found this unecessary, as Penn students are forced to practice the safest method of all: abstinence. With the extra condoms they've saved, Penn students have been cheering up underprivileged children in the area by making balloon animals, leaving behind some very confused children. However, we know that the safest relationship of all is a monogamous one. Forming monogamy on the field, the Band does its best to get everyone "In the Mood."

"In The Mood"
(Band forms monogamous pairs randomly scattered on the field)


Remember: sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it doesn't involve a Penn undergrad.

YALE
November 16, 1991

(Band begins playing opening of "Star Trek")

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Princeton University Band. It's four year mission: to exploit strange new drinking policies, to seek out that fine line between clever and stupid, to boldly go where no band has gone before.

"Star Trek" rolls off into "Princeton Forward"
(Band marches out as a spaceship, with fire extinguishers in tail)


Uh oh...we're lost. But wait! There's a planet below! Look, in the visitor's stands -- it's life, but not as we know it. Let's investigate...That's strange; it looks like New Haven, but it's clean and there's no crime, and yale has been replaced with a shopping mall. We must be in Never-Never Land, where all our dreams come true. Every sock has a mate, and every freshman has a date, and look -- there's a serious democratic candidate for president.

If this is truly Never-Never Land, we should be able to do anything, even fly.

(Band forms 'FLY' while Bob the trash member climbs on a ladder)

Go ahead, Bob, if you believe in yourself, you can fly! Believe, Bob, believe!

(SPLAT. Bob lies still)

Gosh, Band, if we applaud hard enough, we can bring him back to life. Clap, Band, clap....forget it.

(Band makes ambulance noise "NeeNerNeeNer" while stretcher picks up Bob's hat)

Oh well, I guess it's time to continue our trek...But what about Bob? (Triangle alums shout "Fuck Bob!")

"Star Trek: The Next Generation"
(Band forms the Enterprise)


My, here's an oddly-shaped planet; let's check it out. Excuse me, sir, can you tell us where we are? "East of the Sun, and West of the Moon..." Oh no! We're on the planet of Triangle alums! Set phasors on discord. Gee, we were going to see your show tonight, despite the outlandish cost. Sorry, in keeping with Triangle's tradition of openness and non-discrimination, tonight's performance is for alumni only. Well, that's all right. The best thing about Triangle is that there are so many roles for women -- too bad they're all played by frustrated men. Saluting 100 years of Triangle's attempts at writing their own musicals, the Band plays a show tune from a real show.

"Seventy-six Trombones"
(Band forms a triangle)

The year is 2001, and the Band still hasn't fulfilled its four-year mission. But wait, we're being bombarded by pleasure waves from the planet below. Perhaps this could be the climax of our journey. We've detected a large monolith on the planet's surface.

(A large monolith is dragged onto the field)

It could be dangerous. Who should we send to investigate? (Band members point at each other.) We'll send Dave.

(Band ejects Dave toward monolith, he examines it)

Why, it's perfectly smooth and pleasingly proportioned...and yet, somehow it seems incomplete.

(Keg rises from monolith)

Wait! We haven't seen one of those since Reunions! Is it real?!? There's only one way to find out....

(Dave climbs monolith and taps keg)
"Thus Spake Zarathustra"
(Band forms upside-down 'Y' and flashes)
SEE KEG IS REAL
ELIS ARE GEEKS
TIGERS REIGN!


Open the kegerator doors, Hal.

DARTMOUTH
November 23, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at transition metals' ability to form octahedral, tetrahedral, trigonal, bipyramidal and square planar complexes.

"Princeton Forward"


(After introduction, the music stops and a shot rings out. A Band member collapses in the endzone, remaining there throughout the show.)

Oh no, Band! It's a disgruntled postal worker! Run!

(Band scrambles onto the field)

Oh well, a dead band member is almost as useful as a Dartmouth graduate. You can get plenty of jobs with a Dartmouth degree, like turning on and off the light in the refrigerator, speed bump, crash test dummy, hockey puck, test subjects for Mary Kay cosmetics, or for those lucky few, trough cleaners at the Alpha Delta house. Saluting these gifted Dartmouth alums, the Band forms Dartmouth's favorite open container -- a trough, and plays "Basin Street Blues."

"Basin Street Blues"
(Band forms a trough, level rises)


But Dartmouth students shouldn't fret too much about their impending unemployment. Just think, soon they'll be able to vie with other out-of-work losers...like David Duke. Why just look at all the prestigious job offers he's received:

Forming a yellow brick road trailing off into the distance, the Band hopes we don't meet up with Mr. Duke if he goes back to his former profession.
"We're Off to See the Wizard"
(Band forms yellow brick road trailing off into the distance; two tubas skip down the road.
They stop partway, forming eyeholes to change the road into a hood.)


After testifying in the Harvard football team's steroid use trial, the Princeton Band has been placed in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. We've been given a new identify that no one would ever expect: as a Big Ten precision marching band, shown here, actual size.

"The Stars and Stripes Forever"
(Band forms a script 'hi' with an 'o' sign on either side, spelling 'ohio'. The tubas umlaut the 'i'.)


And now on behalf of Band President Janice "bite my neck" Johnston, Drum Major Natasha "Ah, Satan" Kablaoui, and Student Conductor Brian-Fred "Beef" Fitzsimmons, this is your announcer Bruce "I swear it was in the script" Kennedy thanking Jack and Cindy, and all you athletic supporters out there: our long, hard season has only encouraged us to come again next year...

THE DARTMOUTH SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 23, 1991

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you'll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)