PENN OR YALE ?
1957

Ladies and gentlemen, we are all aware of the fact that the press, radio and television, and magazines help not only to safeguard the freedoms of the American people, but to educate them as well. Through these media the average American can learn not only what is happening, but the stories behind the news. In fact, things have come to the point where each day the illusions of millions of Americans are shattered to pieces as they find out the real truth. There is no doubt that American genius has made a lasting contribution to world civilization in the form of the Expose Magazine.

In keeping with its tradition of always bringing the truth to the Princeton Community, this week the Princeton University Band will present to you several daring exposes from the pages of (Band plays chord) Consequential Magazine! (chord)

It took six years of our most seasoned detectives five years in New Haven to get the true story behind this noted personality. (Band scrambles into formation and kneels.) However, we didn't leave a keyhole unlooked through and the truth will out. For years the editors of Consequential have been suspicious about the real identity of Yale's ??? Merriwell. Is it possible that Yale really could have produced such an athlete on their own? We doubted it and are now proud to announce his real identity (Band stands) -- Frank Merriwell was:

(Band forms planet with satellite orbit)

Here is a piece of Russian propaganda about which Consequential will expose the truth. You are all familiar with the Russian claims that the small moon we see over our continent is a Russian spy satellite. This propaganda is easily dispelled. No doubt you have all heard of the "man in the moon." (Band scatters into smiley face.) The trouble is most of have never heard of the woman in the moon!

As you can tell by the place setting on the field, the next expose comes from our "Pure Food and Drug" file. Here at last graduates, undergraduates, and future Princetonians is the truth about the mystery meat served in commons. Is it pork? (Band shakes heads 'No'.) Is it lamb? (Band shakes heads 'No'.) Is it beef? (Band shakes heads 'No'.) Consequential scientists report it unmistakably to be (said slowly) "Muskrat Ramble"!

In all modesty we feel that we must still expose this last item. Those of you residing in Princeton know that last Monday night there was a concert given in McCarter Theatre. This concert was supposedly given by the Philadelpha Orchestra -- show them who really gave it men!