Turning to the editorial pages, (which are easy enough to find), the Band commends the Prince's editors for their pointed criticism of campus individuals and organizations, and for their good taste in exposising hard truths, mixed with their usual libelous insults. Forming

a)

a masthead

b)

the Prince staff

c)

hard truths, or

d)

their one good point,

the Band steps out of tradition and offers an appropriate gesture to the spirit of yellow journalism.

CORNELL
1970

Ladies and gentlemen, we are happy to inform you that the Cornell Band will not appear today. It's Harvest Time in Ithaca. We now take a long, hard look at the Best of the Band.

We first look back to the days before coeducation and turn our attention to a nearby choir college. We remind Princeton Charlie of the school's motto, "Yours for a song." Forming a pliable social alternative, we suggest to Princeton Charlie that

We next turn to Capital Hill and recall our annual Spiro T. Agnew joke, and look in on our beloved Vice-President. We note that an issue of The New York Times reported Mr. Agnew as saying, quote, "that the moratorium was run by an effete corps of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals." Forming either a) a feet in the mouth, or b) a slip of the lip, we pay tribute to our esteemed representative.

Speaking of meatpacking, the Band observes that Wall Street secretaries have been shaking the very foundations of the financial world by shunning the traditional brassiere. By provoking a rising interest rate, this practice has understandably contributed to a bear market. Noting that the businessman has always favored fewer restraints, we form a 'laissez-faire economy' and salute him and his newly-liberated secretary.

We now turn to the Bottom of the Big 3, and recall the time when Yale and Vassar were considering their unsuccessfull merger. Never before has an entire school been shot down, although we can certainly understand why. Forming either

a)

the symbol of that well-known girls' school, or

b)

the first letter in Vassar, or

c)

a Y that has no tail,

we overhear Virginia Vassar resolving her problem.

Speaking of the Bottom section of the Big 3, we turn to a literary show done at Harvard last year. We noted in the motion picture, "Goodbye Columbus," Ali McGraw plays a Radcliffe girl who, understandably, turns away from the Harvard social scene in order to date a librarian from the Bronx. Forming a library carrol on the field, we wonder what she could possibly get from a Bronx librarian that she could not get from a Harvard man.

And finally, a Best of the Band show would not be complete without a quick, hard look at Cornell. First the Band salutes Cornell's second flowering of female cheerleaders, recalling that last year, when asked by The Daily Sun if the girls would help, Coach Musick replied, "Only if they are 6'2", 195 lbs., and can catch passes." But as everyone knows, Cornell girls cannot catch passes.

The Band also salutes the only male student in Cornell's school of Home Economics, realizing that he's the only guy on campus who can eat his cake and make it too. Observing a) cooked goose, b) vise versa, we look into the kitchen to see how things are.

PENN & BROWN
1970

The Band first salutes the moral leadership of the Senate in rejecting the report of the Commission on Pornography. The Band notes that our legislators evidently feel that they have the situation well in hand in their rigid opposition to the permissive sexual attitudes spreading throughout the country. This opposition lately has found expression in stiffer punishments for sex criminals: a departure from the philosophy of "Spare the rod; spoil the child." The Band, however, cannot understand the continued opposition to the study of sex and marriage in the schools. Indeed, we are forced to conclude that in the eyes of many people,

That pernicious purveyor of pedagoguery, the Princeton Band, would like to propose its annual salute to that peerless pinnacle of profuse pedantry, our verbally vexating Vice President, Spiro T. Agnew. Forming

a)

Roget's Thesaurus

b)

a repetitious redundant, or

c)

a licentious lexicon of literary liberalism,

the Band facetiously faces one of erudite Spiro's effervescent elucidations of forensix flatulence.

DARTMOUTH
1970

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band invites you to spend a long, hard night at the movies.

The Band first zeroes in on the escalation of war movies. Whether glorifying the thrusts of mighty armies into the Battle of the Bulge, or poking fun at noncoms at the rear, these flicks all specialize in good, clean blood 'n guts. Although bombing with the critics, such movies have made a killing at the box office. This leads the Band to belive that the producers are not interested in war, but in...

Turning from blood and guts, to studs and sluts, we, as decent, well-mannered citizens deplore the current entry of so-called "Blue Movies" or "Skin Flicks" from abroad. These sensationalists film strips tease the unwary movie goer with unadulterated bunk and fantasy. Despite the lurid claims of promoters that these films have redeeming social value, the Band cautions movie goers that...

Speaking of busts, the Band observes that two recent flicks, "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls," and "Myra Breckenridge," were not all they were stacked up to be. These mammoth productions were overly injected with sex and unusual behavior to lure the clean upstanding boys in green. Forming an inflated image, the Band hopes that future movies will not rely on blatant sex to attract an audience.

Even more disgusting than these new fads is the trend toward movie sequels, the repeated repetition of boring first run mistakes. Because many were left hanging by "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls," "Beneath the Planet of the Apes," and "I am Curious Blue," the Band offers its own sequel, "I AM NAUSEAUS, GREEN," the story of a sweet Danish nymph who comes to the bleak New Hampshire wilderness seeking warmth and a deeper relationship with mankind. As the Band forms a) bleak New Hampshire wilderness, or b) a deeper relationship, we hear the maiden cry out...

HARVARD - ORIGINAL VERSION - CENSORED
1970

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at famous Greek myths.

The Band first salutes Oedipus, who spend most of his resources trying to expose the fallacy in the prediction of the sphinx. However, he pulled a tremendous boner, and, being hard-pressed to rectify the situation, found himself getting in deeper and deeper. Forming an eternal triangle on the field, the Band salutes this complex character who followed in his father's footsteps and incensed his family with the philosophy of

We now consider Atlas, the original athletic supporter, who spent his days holding up an immense ball. The Band testifies to the day that Atlas can finally relinquish his superior position and seek another niche in life. Forming

a)

a spicy meatball

b)

a weighty problem

we see Atlas shrug his shoulders as he drops his load.

Turning its attention to the Sack of Troy, the Band notes that the Greek soldiers found it necessary to take precautions with the Trojans protecting Helen. They slipped through the town's defences late one night, and had a ball as they liquidated the sleeping citizens one by one. Forming

a)

the Sack of Troy

b)

a hairy situation

we hear the fickly and unholy Helen declare

Finally, there was Pandora and her world-reknown box. We note that the gods warned her not to open it to any mortal man, but curiousity finally made her. She was taken aback when a flow of potent spirits came upon her, and finding this discharge inconceivable, she is said to have exclaimed

HARVARD
1970

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at famous Greek myths.

The Band first salutes Oedipus, who spend most of his resources trying to expose the fallacy in the prediction of the sphinx. However, he pulled a incredible faux pas and was hard pressed to rectify the situation. Forming an eternal triangle on the field, the Band salutes this complex character who followed in his father's footsteps and incensed his family with the philosophy of

We now consider Atlas, the original athletic supporter, who spent his days holding up an immense ball. The Band testifies to the day that Atlas can finally relinquish his superior position and seek another niche in life. Forming

a)

a spicy meatball

b)

a weighty problem

we see Atlas shrug his shoulders as he drops his load.

Turning its attention to the Sack of Troy, the Band recalls how the Greek soldiers devisied a way to by-pass the Trojans protecting Helen. They came in a wooden horse late one night and slipped through Troy's defences. Forming

a)

the Sack of Troy

b)

a wooden horse, or

c)

the Trojan's defences,

we hear the fickly and unholy Helen declare

Concluding its pose as a pernicious purveyor of pedagoguery, the Princeton Band would like to propose its annual salute to that most famous modern Greek myth, Spiro T. Agnewopolis, our verbally vaxating Vice President. Forming

a)

Roget's Thesaurus,

b)

a repetitious redundant, or

c)

a licentious lexicon of literary liberalism,

the Band facetiously faces one of erudite Spiro's effervescent elucidations of forensic flatulence.

YALE
1970

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at pollution.

The Band first looks to the deteriorating condition of the air and notes that researchers have recently found that high sulfate concentrations in the atmosphere can cause women's hosiery to disintegrate. The panty hose industry is understandably distressed as it sees the bottom falling out of the market. Forming

a)

a business falling apart at the seams, or

b)

a bear market,

we forsee that if this problem gets further out of hand, the time may come when

Pollution has also hit the candy manufacturing industry, where rodent hairs have been found in some of America's leading confections. However, new safety laws have been adopted which require sterilization of all ingredients before they are inserted into the candy. Even with these precautions, hairs have been discovered in the chewy center. Forming a thin candy shell on the field, the Band hopes that your next sweet treat melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

The Band would like to salute the Fox of Elgin, Illinois, a modern day Robin Hood, who is a mysterious benefactor of our waterways. This upright citizen plugs up pipes pouring contaminants into virgin streams, causing the noxious chemicals to back up into the factories. In retalition against the nocturnal missions, the plugged-up companies have placed a price on the fox's head. Forming:

a)

a "higher priced" head

b)

a boxed fox

We now turn to another important but less publicized form of pollution pollution -- sports fan pollution. This phenomenon is most prevalent in the city of New Haven, where the fans will boo anybody -- see -- (or, except the Princeton Band). They also spit and throw oranges (see). But when the spit hits the fan, they get upset. Forming a soggy Eli fan, the Band notes that the obvious solution to this perennial problem is to flush the Yale Bowl.