The Band's announcer for the 1994 football season was Paul Cernota '95.

CORNELL
September 17, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, rowing onto the field like refugees fleeing Cuba, it's the Princeton University Band!

(Announcer interrupts) Look out Band! It's the U.S. Coast Guard!

So why were all the Cubans fleeing to the U.S.? The Band's research has turned up the top five reasons for the Cuban exodus:

#5)

Gotta keep up with the Haitians

#4)

Cuban TV didn't have enough O.J. Simpson coverage

#3)

Zaire closed its borders

#2)

On their way to Woodstock

and the Number One reason Cubans are fleeing to the U.S.: Heard that Cornell admits anyone! For those Cubans determined to attempt the perilous journey, the Band suggests that they remember to bring a copy of Fodor's Guide to Refugee Camps on Ten Dollars a Day, and their favorite controlled substance--after all, the easiest way to elude the Coast Guard is to be a drug smuggler. Saluting President Clinton's on-again, off-again, open-door, closed-door Cuban Immigration Policy, the Band forms a revolving door and says, "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In."

The Florida coastline wasn't the only place bombarded by alien forces this summer. The Shoemaker-Levy Comet hit Jupiter with the force of 50 million megatons--or the amount of fiber in just one bowl of Total. Some confused Cornell administrators even ordered a campus evacuation when they heard that the comet was expected to demolish the Big Red...Spot. Astronomers now say that some of the comet fragments missed Jupiter, and are headed straight for Earth! Not to worry, though; President Clinton has announced a new immigration policy: any comet fragments attempting to reach the U.S. mainland will be intercepted and held at Guantanamo Bay. Forming Jupiter, the Band shows that Woodstock isn't the only place that got "rocked around the clock."

Speaking of big blowouts, we'd like to congratulate Cornell on today's homecoming celebration. The Big Red has a lot to be proud of. For example, in 1609, visiting Professor Gallileo discovered that a heavy student and a light student jumping into a gorge both slam into the rocks below at the same time. Another Cornell milestone was the creation of the School of Animal Husbandry; we're proud to salute all the animal husbands in the audience today. But the most important date in Cornell's history is the 1948 founding of the School of Hotel Management, made possible by Ellsworth M. Statler's generous donation of 100,000 miniature bars of soap. Forming a miniature soap, the Band salutes Cornell: one of the finest institutions of higher education...in Ithaca.

It's time now for another lucky program giveaway. Please turn to page 69 of your program. If Drum Major Ed Baier has signed the Statler Hotel ad, you win...the Statler Hotel!

COLGATE
September 24, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, crumbling onto the field like Palmer Stadium, it's the Princeton University Band!

What goes up, must come down. Consider Palmer Stadium. The eighty year-old structure is going to pieces...literally. But don't worry; with every game ticket, you will get your very own souvenier hard hat. And those lucky spectators in section fifteen may carry their seats home with them. Yesterday, the University announced that Palmer will be demolished. Until a new stadium is completed, football games will be played at one of the following underutilized sites:

• Hal Shapiro's office
• the T.I. library
• oh-so-convenient Lot 21
• the Varsity Wrestling training room, or
• the Reserve Room...

Forming Palmer Stadium on the field, actual size, the Band watches as the walls come tumbling down.

If you think replacing Palmer Stadium will be tough, try driving onto campus. To reduce vehicular traffic, Public Safety has stiffened their driving regulations. Now that it's practically impossible to drive onto campus, you can take the shuttle, but only between the hours of 8 and noon. From noon to 2, students will be admitted to campus, but only by Dean Hargadorn (essay and three references required). Until 10 p.m., students will line up for wheelbarrow race past the kiosk, and from 10 to midnight, it's time for AMERICAN GLADIATORS--you'll be lucky to get onto campus. During snowstorms, nude runners will be admitted as long as they display visible packages.

The access policy has been so successful that the University has announced similar regulations to reduce the overwhelming pedestrian traffic. Sidewalks are off-limits; students are now restricted to travelling through the STEAM TUNNELS! Forming a steam tunnel, the Band sympathizes with students' impossible mission.

Freshmen say the darndest things, and we've been listening. After three weeks on campus, the Band has compiled this list of the top five statements overheard from the Class of '98.

#5)

I love living in Forbes...it's right in the middle of everything.

#4)

Ahhh...Wa dogs!

#3)

It's not a keg...it's a means of egress.

#2)

I'm going to the U-Store...they're having a sale!

#1)

Hi! I'm a freshman. Wanna go out with me?

Saluting all those right-handed men in the Class of '98, the Band plays "Friend Like Me."

Remember, four out of five campus recruiters recommended Crest over Colgate as a worthwhile educational experience.

The original second joke was cut in its entirety by the censors:

BUCKNELL
October 1, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, the Band takes a long hard look at Unnatural Selection.

We all know Princeton was your first choice, but don't think your options ended there. Sooner or later, you'll have to join a club. And one of them will have to choose you. It's bicker time and the rules keep changing. It all started when DEC combined the sign-ins and bicker processes to form "Semi-Bicker," or "Snicker." Now the other clubs are restless and are considering these selection methods:

• There's the Slow Bicker, also known as the "Slicker" process
• Lenient Bicker, T.I.'s favorite, is nicknamed "Liquor"
• Finally, there's Deviant Bicker.....you get the point.

Even with the clubs, you need something to do on Mondays. That's right, you need to take courses. And how do you choose your courses, especially after completing Ab Psych and Music 103? Don't worry, you still have these guts to choose from:

Math 101

How to use Voice Mail

Architecture 205

Where is my Room? (Required for Tiger Pizza delivery personnel)

Public Safety 204

The Obstacle Course: How to get onto Campus

The Woodrow Wilson School has a difficult choice. Who should they pick to replace recently-departed Dean Bienen? (Band members yell "Pick Me! Pick Me!") How about Woodrow Wilson? (Band members look disappointed.) No; he's unlikely to make any controversial decisions. Maybe they will choose President Clinton? Maybe not; all his affairs were domestic. And then the Wilson School could ask Bob Vila. That man really knows how to use his tools. But what if nobody accepts the appointment? The school would need to place help-wanted ads, like the following:

WWS needs PhD with ability to BS. Should own pool cleaning equipment. Strong interest in Turkish studies, Moroccan affairs, or rich princes a plus. Interested applicants should call 8-3825 and ask for Hal.

If you thought finding a Dean was tough, try finding a place to land. Of all the places to land, someone chose the White House, and Security officials are busy deciding which of the following caused the crash:

• The pilot ran out of fuel waiting for Denver Airport to open
• Dan Quayle was making his last desperate attempt to get into the White House
• Arkansas Dominos was trying to deliver a pizza in under 30 minutes
• The pilot spilled McDonald's scalding hot coffee on himself
• It was a well-planned attack by the vanguard of the Haitian Air Force. No, wait. It was the entire Haitian Air Force.

Choices, choices, choices. At least students don't have to choose what to do with their money; the University takes it all. But what do they do with it? Invest it wisely? Naaah. Long ago they did, but now they just throw large keg parties...like Reunions. Now that the University has changed their investment strategy, money from grain futures goes to grain alcohol, blue chips are tortilla chips, and funds from the money market will soon go to the meat market. Yes, it's party time at Nassau Hall, and the Band can't wait until a real reason to celebrate comes around.

See Nell. See Nell Buck. Buck, Nell, Buck!

BROWN
October 8, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, swaggering onto the field like overpaid baseball players, it's the Princeton University Band!

Oh wait, we're on strike.

It's Parents Day at the Princeton-Brown game, which brings to mind our two school's most-famous sons: Lyle and Eric Menendez. Fortunately for Lyle, the transition to jail life has not been too shocking...yet. Princeton taught him not to walk out the front gate, and now that's not even a problem. Actually, Lyle enjoys prison much more than Princeton. In jail, his room's bigger, the food's better, and his roommate doesn't puke all the time. Even from the slammer, Lyle upholds the tradition of "Princeton in the Nation's Service." Saluting Lyle's service to the nation, besides twenty-to-life, the Band forms a license plate.

Last week, workers were cleaning and refinishing the statue "Oval with Points." And like how most things on campus respond to change, it exploded. After Oval with Points split open, workers were surprised to find:

• the clapper
• a jelly cream center
• Jimmy Hoffa
• and scrunched in the bottom: Rhode Island.

Forming:

a)

Oval with Points

b)

The number of baseball games you saw this month

c)

Bill Clinton's popularity rating

d)

Oval with Points...today (Band splits)

e)

A plaid doughnut

f)

the Brown band

Not many people know that Elvis got his start at Princeton playing such songs as "Ain't Nothin' But a Wa Dog," and "Heartburn Hotel," a touching ballad in honor of Dining Services. In tribute to the King of Princeton, a new student organization, PELVIS, or "Princeton for Elvis," has thrust onto the scene, determined to change the ins and outs of campus life. In response to demands from PELVIS, administrators will grow longer sideburns and The Prince will be replaced by The National Enquirer, so that students can keep up on the daily events in Elvis' life. Finally, in the Ivy tradition of "The Big Green," and "The Big Red," Princeton's mascot will now be.... "The Fighting Blue Suede."

Forming Elvis' blue suede shoe on the field, the Band proves that if you play it, he will come.

Can we have your attention please? PELVIS has left the field.

FORDHAM
October 15, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at things that were withdrawn.

In light of Howard Stern's early withdrawal from the governor's race, we propose an equally-qualified candidate: David Letterman. Here's Dave's Top Ten reasons why he should be governor:

#10)

Move the state capital to Sioux City, Iowa

#9)

Stupid Human Tricks--oh wait, they already have the legislature

#8)

Political opponents? No problem: STEAM ROLLER!

#7)

Canned ham for everyone!

#6)

Crazy lady could break into governor's mansion

#5)

Would have Tasty McDonald's Fries with Bill Clinton

#4)

"You can't give me a speeding ticket; I'm the guv'nuh"

#3)

Have CBS actress Angela Landsbury get tough on crime

#2)

Promises a new Disney park on Ellis Island

and the #1 reason David Letterman should be governor of New York: with Paul Shafer, he would form the world's most dangerous government.

Speaking of withdrawal, take General Raoul Cedras. ("Please. No, really!") This week, Cedras withdrew from his dictatorship of Haiti, all thanks to former President Jimmy Carter. What did Carter offer Cedras to convince the dictator to leave? Could it have been:

• a lifetime supply of Georgia peanuts?
• a safe haven...in Cuba?
• a luxury apartment in the South Bronx?

Perhaps Carter offered to set Cedras up with his very own business, Rent-a-Dictator, or even set him up with Amy Carter. But the offer Cedras couldn't refuse came from Fordham University, where starting next semester, he will be the Del Monte Professor of Latin American Politics. Beware! We hear his final exams are torture. Wondering if Professor Cedras will dictate his lectures, the Band forms Haiti.

When Fordham announced plans for a new 480 foot radio tower, we wondered: Why would anyone need to erect yet another tall structure in New York? Perhaps students needed to send messages to foreign countries, like Manhattan, or pick up the nearest baseball games--from Japan. Sadly, the New York Department of Tall Pointy Things has said the tower can't be completed. While officials claimed that after the tower's completion, garage doors for miles would open and close constantly, we're sure it's just a bad case of tower envy. Not discouraged by the ordinance, WFUV is considering building the tower in an alternate site, such as in the middle of the BQE or in over-used Yankee Stadium. But unless the NYDTPT changes its mind, Fordham will just have to keep broadcasting phantom messages from an undisclosed location.

The Band reminds you: there's a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

Ladies and gentlemen, joining with its alumni to celebrate its 75th Birthday, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at Princeton, ourselves, and Harvard, or "The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly."

In The Beginning, there was nothing. Void, without meaning. Kind of like...Harvard. Then God, Princeton Class of '0, said "Let there be plaid." And there was plaid. Orange and black plaid. And God saw it was good. The plaid begat the Band, and the Band begat the scramble, shown here, actual size. Earlier, Princeton and Rutgers had created the football game. Now God parted the first half of the game from the second half, and the Princeton Band crossed the void between the halves. Thus was born the first college football marching band. Forming 75 years of music, marching, mirth, and merriment, the Band reminds you of God's Eleventh Commandment: "Though shalt not send thy children to Harvard."

Speaking of Princeton milestones, the University's 250th birththday is not far away. To help you prepare, the Band has compiled this brief history of Princeton University:

1746:

The College of New Jersey is founded

1747:

Students agitate for a campus center

1774:

Tiger mascot is attacked by Cornell Fife and Drum Corp

1914:

Palmer Stadium erected

1915:

Palmer Stadium starts falling down

1993:

Blair Hall burns

1994:

Blair Hall burns

Forming Blair Hall, the Band pays tribute to the only building on campus that's also a heat-producing appliance.

If you thought Princeton's been around for a while, take Harvard. ("Please. No, really!") Even after 350 years, Harvard's still trying to get it right. For example:

• At Princeton, scientists labor to unlock the secret of fusion, while at Harvard, scientists labor to unlock...their cars.
• Princeton graduates lots of Secretaries of State, while Harvard graduates lots of...secretaries.
• Princeton's Ralph Nader is one of our country's greatest consumer advocates, while Harvard's Timothy Leary was one of our country's greatest....consumers.
• After Princeton, Bill Bradley drove the lane and later became a Senator...while at Harvard, Teddy Kennedy became a Senator, but couldn't drive in lane.

Forming a basketball on the field, the Band salutes the only one of these Senators who knows how to score.

But what of Harvard's future? Never fear! To encourage applications from tomorrow's high school students, the Harvard Admissions Office recently announced that it will accept the standardized "common application." Other elite institutions accepting the common application include Dartmouth, Mercer County Community College, Devrie Trucking Institute, and the WaWa. We're certain that in 2001, Harvard will still be turning out the same quality graduates that it does today; in other words: Really Big Tools.

And the Band reminds you: if Princeton is the stairway to heaven, Harvard is the escalator to Hell.

COLUMBIA
October 29, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, the Band takes a long hard look at the rise of civilization.

At first, there was chaos.

Then six million years ago, man first appeared. These were early Neanderthals, known today as Penn students. They had little order or purpose in their lives, kinda like today's Harvard students. Later we saw the development of tools, who now attend yale. Other evolutionary paths in society included the early innkeepers who are now at Cornell, the early shepherds who now frequent Dartmouth, and those would just couldn't make the grade are now at Brown. Forming survival of the fittest on the field, the Band salutes our forefathers.

Civilization could not have progressed without energy sources such as steam. Not many people realize steam gave us such great inventions as:

• The Steam-Powered Q-Tip: it goes in one ear, and out the other
• The Steam-Powered Pacemaker: warning--may cause heartburn
• The Steam-Powered Ginsu Knife: it slices, it dices, it vaporizes!
• And the Steam-Powered University President: you know they're always full of hot air

In the history of civilization, no two entities could be as similar as New York City and Congress. After all, both Congressmen and New Yorkers respond to bills by ignoring them. Both New York and Congress publish great informational resources: the Congressional Record and The New York Post. (Unfortunately, the Congressional Record doesn't have a Page Five girl.) You may also notice that what New York calls a mugging, Congress calls tax reform. And while Congress is in a cesspool of drugs and crime called the District of Columbia, New York is a cesspool containing drugs, crime, and Columbia. Forming a cesspool on the field, the Band wonders what on Earth we've gotten ourselves into.

And now, please tolerate the Columbia Band, the only Band in the Ivy League that has tried to smoke Astroturf.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long hard look at the SATs. OOPS! Too late for you, Penn!

Question 1: Analogies

Quality education is to the University of Pennsylvania as:

a)

Day is to night

b)

Rolls Royce is to Yugo

c)

Filet Mignon is to Philly Cheesesteak

d)

The 82nd airborne is to the Haitian airforce

e)

f)

The Penn Band

Forming multiple choice on the field, the Princeton Univ--Hey Penn Band! Keep your eyes on your own paper!

Question 2: Sentence Completion

I went to Penn because...

a)

It's a good quality school

b)

I didn't get into Princeton

c)

I didn't get into Delaware County Community College

d)

Circus didn't want me

e)

I'm too ugly for beauty school

f)

The Penn Band

Forming G, none of the above, the Band demonstrates one way to forget you're at Penn.

Question 3: Reading Comprehension

Listen carefully to the following passage:

I will not eat green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am.

In the above passage, the green eggs represent:

a)

The Republic of Ireland

b)

The essential meaningless of life in today's alienated society

c)

The egg salad you left in the fridge last week

d)

Angst

e)

Pluribus Unum

f)

The Penn Band

Forming angst on the field, the Band reminds Penn students that random and haphazard guessing is unlikely to improve your score...divine intervention may be required.

Remember Penn applicants: you get 400 points just for signing your name.

THE YALE SHOW THAT NEVER WAS
November 12, 1994

(On the advice of our lawyers, this script is not included in this electronic collection, and is only available to PUB members and alumni. If you really want a copy of this script, which was cut in its entirety by our censors, you'll have to retrieve it separately. But we warn you: Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

YALE
November 12, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at rejection.

Everyone's experienced rejection, some more than others. Take yale. ("Please. No, really!") Before deciding on the motto, "For God, For Country, and For yale," these mottos were considered, and rejected:

• For God, For Country, and For Sale
• For God, For Country, and for another minute, add 25 cents
• For God, For Country, and For No Apparent Reason
• For God, For Country, and FORTY BUCKS??!

Then there's the rejected yale mascots:

• the do-do bird
• the infectious tropical disease
• the Chia Pet
• the fighting Blue Cheese, and let's not forget
• the yale padlock

Forming the yale padlock on the field, the Band demonstrates the most challenging obstacle to getting into yale.

Although hard to believe, rejection's not confined to yale. As the holiday season approaches, we are reminded of the many gift ideas rejected by manufacturers. There were:

• Coming Soon to Sega Genesis: Super Menendez Brothers
• American Gladiators: the Family Edition
• John Wayne Bobbit Doll--some parts sold separately
• Hooked on Phonics...and a few other things by Marion Barry
• And especially for yale students, your very own Roach Motel

Saluting yale Dining Services, the Band forms a Roach Motel and reminds yale students: you'll never dine alone.

You know what else bugs us? ("No, what?") It's that guy who shot at the White House. To discourage future Presidential assasins, security has considered:

• replacing Vice President Al Gore with Dan Quayle
• moving the President to a safer part of the world...like the Middle East
• covering him with a latex body condom
• place an intercom outside the White House repeating: "The President has left the building. There is nothing to see here. Please disperse."

Forming a bullet-proof vest, the Band reminds the President that if he wants to get around, he'll need to wear a little protection.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at fortune.

Ahh, fortune. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Lately for Bill Clinton, it's been bad. After this month's Republican landslide, what will Bill Clinton do for the next two years? He might:

• take up horticulture...spend more time cultivating flowers
• one word: inhale
• go whitewater rafting
• develop Alzheimer's, just like President what's-his-name
• run errands for Bob Dole

Forming Bill Clinton's political future, the Band salutes the President's chance of re-election.

Speaking of hopeless chances, have any of you ever won the lottery? ("No one ever wins!") That's what we used to think. Then we heard about these new lotteries:

• The Hanover Lottery: the lucky winner gets a one-way ticket out of town
• The Congressional Lottery: if your ticket starts with a 'D', you lose
• The California State Lottery: where last week's winning number was 1-8-7. (Illegal aliens and their families are not eligible to play.)

Forming a New Hampshire State Lottery ticket, we invite the Dartmouth band to scratch us and see what they win.

Ahh, another lucky Dartmouth student!

Before we drive our 76th season into the ground, we'd like to dip our wings in salute to: Jack "Big Daddy" Hontz, Nancy "Akalaka" Newman, Harry's Sluncheonette, Bruce and the gang in Lot 4, and Kirk "a 5'9" soph-o-more" Unruh, by playing "The Stars and Stripes Forever."

And now, on behalf of Student Conductor Christian "Conductor Boy" Haselgrove, Drum Major Ed "Lease with Option to" Baier, and President Jon "About 45 Minutes" Golden, this is your announcer, Paul "Our Placenta" Cernota, reminding you: you can take up horticulture, but you can't make her drink.