The Band's announcer for the 1997 football season was Justin Werfel '99.

CORNELL
September 20, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, crawling onto the field like Pathfinder across the surface of Mars, it's the Princeton University Band.

We didn't think any vehicle could be more dangerous than a Sazuki Samurai, but the Russians keep proving us wrong with the pride of Soviet engineering: the space station Mir. Intense research has revealed the real reasons for the problems on Mir:

• instruments were damaged while dancing with "Pretzel Boy"
• repair parts never delivered by UPS
• four guys, one toilet, bad borscht
• and one word: Brewskies!

Forming Mir on the field, the Band reminds you that objects in Mir are closer than they appear.

Mir isn't the first spaceship with problems; fifty years ago, aliens crashed at Roswell. Scientists have proposed a number of explanations for the crash:

• Ted Kennedy was driving
• (censored: the aliens were transporting oxygen canisters for ValueSaucer)
• they were sideswiped by Mir
• (censored: the aliens were taking gorge-jumping to whole new heights)
• and the pilot and co-pilot were trying to join the "Million Mile High Club"

Forming a flying saucer, the Band reveals the real cause of the Roswell crash: they were being chased by paparazzi.

Speaking of smoking rubble, take cigarettes. ("Please. No, really!") In the wake of lawsuits, cigarette manufacturers have been forced to change their advertising. Watch for these new marketing slogans:

• Got Cancer?
• Hey, smoking's safer than sex!
• Because you're born with two lungs anyways!
• Mmmmmm....tar
• and because sex without a cigarette leaves a bad taste in your mouth

Forming a cigarette lighter, the Band reminds you that only the good die young.

And now, please welcome the Red Chinese Army.

FORDHAM
September 27, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the Summer of 1997.

In the Summer's hottest sporting event, Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield went toe-to-toe and ear-to-mouth for the World Heavyweight Title. Now coming to Pay-Per-View: Tyson vs. Holyfield: The Grudge Match! Call your cable operator to order today, and you'll see Mike Tyson get his just desserts. Earmark your calendar so you won't miss Mike Tyson carrying out his threat: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears." This fight will be brought to you live by Don King International and Tyson Foods. Saluting Mike "Hungry Man" Tyson, the Band forms a severed ear.

The Tyson-Holyfield fight isn't the only television that left a bad taste in our mouths. How about TV's new ratings system? TV17, TVL, TVMA...unscrambling all these new codes is a tough job. Always willing to lend a hand, the Band offers our suggested television ratings:

• C-SPAN is rated TVZZZ: may cause drowsiness
• Wheel of Fortune is rated TVIQ60
• Roseanne Barr modeling her new lingerie collection would be rated TVMCB: May Cause Blindness
• Public Television's I Claudius is rated TVMCXVII
• and our favorite program, Baywatch, is rated TVTNA, since repeated viewing may cause whiplash.

Paying tribute to the star of Baywatch, the Band salutes the Speedo, shown here, actual size.

Speaking of meat, take twenty-five million pounds of tainted beef. ("Please. No, really!") After the largest recall in history, Hudson Foods faces a new challenge: what to do with all that bad meat? Company executives considered donating it to prisoners on death row; it makes a tasty last supper. They could bottle it as "Pirhanna-Be-Gone", or perhaps sell it to McDonalds for "UNhappy Meals." How about some creative marketing, like "Beef: The Other Tainted Meat"? Our suggestion: two words -- "Secret Santa." Revealing the final destination of all that bad beef, the Band says "Mmmmmm....Wa Dog!"

Perhaps the only thing worse than returning twenty-five million pounds of bad meat is shipping it via UPS. Now that UPS workers are back on the job, the company's looking for a new marketing slogan to win back customers. We have a few suggestions:

• When it absolutely, positively has to be there eventually
• UPS: Now specializing in long-term storage
• UPS: At least our workers aren't disgruntled
• We Misdeliver for You
• UPS: That's "oops" to you
• We run the tightest ship in the shipping business: the "Titanic"
• Delivery in 30 years or less, or your next one's free!

Saluting our favorite delivery service, the Band hopes they get their 'S' here on time.

Hey, could someone call UPS and get the tracking number for the Fordham band?

HOLY CROSS
October 4, 1997

There is no halftime script for this game because the Holy Cross band did not permit the Princeton Band to perform a halftime show. The Band did not travel to Holy Cross.

BROWN
October 11, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at the stock market.

With the stock market as high as Marion Barry, investors need to be prepared for the next crash. Watch out for any of these signs that the market is about to plummet:

a)

safety nets go up on Wall Street

b)

the Psychic Friends Network stops accepting credit cards

c)

you overhear your stockbroker practice saying "You want fries with that?"

d)

the line to the Empire State Building's observation deck is surprisingly long

e)

bums on the street won't take less than a twenty

f)

the Brown band

Reminding you that what goes up must come down, the Band forms a market nosedive.

Time for a pop quiz! Can you tell whether Charlie or Bruno is the smarter investor?

• Charlie's investments are in blue chips, while Bruno's investments are in cow chips
• Charlie is into bonds, while Bruno is into bondage
• Charlie invests in Hong Kong, while Bruno invests in Donkey Kong
• Charlie visits a bank and earns compound interest, while Bruno visits Spats and earns compound fractures
• Charlie keeps up with the free market by reading The Wall Street Journal, while Bruno reads Mad Magazine

Paying tribute to the free market, the Band forms a supply-and-demand curve.

When the market takes a nosedive, how can you tell if it's just a minor correction, or if it's about to crash? It's probably a crash if Smith-Barney changes their slogan to "We lose money the old fashioned way: we burn it." Or Dean-Witter says "We measure failure one suicide at a time." And you'll know it's a crash if the New York Stock Exchange is forced to rent out its floor as a disco.

Forming the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, the Band kisses its assets goodbye.

Move your assets Band; here comes Adam Smith's invisible hand!

COLGATE
October 18, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at disasters.

Nothing says "disaster" like the Titanic. Undersea divers recently recovered the ill-fated ship's primitive "black box," revealing the passengers' last words, including:

• Waiter, can we get some ice?
• Dear, I didn't know you leaned to the left
• Do you ever get that sinking feeling?
• Rich Columbian coffee is now being served on the aft deck
• Marco! ("Polo!")

• On your left: the ocean. On your right: the ocean. And above you: the ocean.

Forming the Titanic, the Band reminds you that the last thing to go through the passengers' minds was the hull.

For ecological disasters, you can't beat the Exxon Valdez. After dumping eleven million gallons of oil into Prince William Sound, what's Exxon going to do next -- add 50,000 gallons of vinegar and make a tangy salad dressing?? Exxon tried to put a positive spin on the accident, pointing out that they've given the sea otters shiny new coats, and they've supplied enough oil to power Prince William Sound for decades.

Reminding you that oil-coated seagulls are finger lickin' good, the Band forms an oil slick.

Not every disaster is, well, a disaster. Take Chernobyl. ("Please. No, really!") While the Chernobyl nuclear accident was initially viewed as a disaster, since then we've learned that even a nuclear meltdown has a bright side. For example, now you can buy chickens with five drumsticks, and Russian beef comes precooked in several cuts: lean, prime, and indiglow. In nearby Poland, smoking is no longer the leading cause of cancer! And hey, in the 2000 Olympics, the Russian team will have a huge advantage in the three-legged race!

Forming Chernobyl, the Band reminds you that every cloud has a plutonium lining.

Look out Band; she's gonna blow!

HAHVAHD
October 25, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, storming onto the field like El Nino.... El Pinto...and El Santo Mario....it's El Princeton University Bando.

Last month, IBM's chess-playing computer, Deep Blue, announced his retirement from tournament play. The chess world was stunned, as it was just months earlier that Deep Blue defeated human grandmaster Gary Kasparov. Despite Deep Blue's fame, his personal life has remained a mystery--until now. We've discovered he has an older brother working for the U.S. government -- you know, "Deep Throat." (Censored: He also has a younger sister in college named "Shallow Crimson" -- she's a little slow.) And while Deep Blue may be a celebrity, his parents are just regular hardworking folks; his dad's an ATM machine, and his mom's an Atari Pong game, shown here, actual size.

Since his retirement, Deep Blue's been spotted at singles bars, trying to interface with that special someone. So far, he's not had much luck; his dates say he makes his moves way too fast, and he's always trying to mate as quickly as possible. In fact, we hear that after beating off all comers, Deep Blue has been left with no one to play with but himself. Saluting Deep Blue's winning moves, the Band says "get your hands off my joystick!"

Hey Hahvahd -- nice stadium! Be a shame if something were to...happen to it. Of course, it does lack some of the amenities that Princeton's new stadium will have -- including a cozy breakfast nook, power steering, and rich corinthian leather. Naturally, those don't come cheap; Princeton is still looking for a donor for "Your Name Here" Stadium. For a million dollar donation, the University will name the new press box after you. For a thousand bucks, you can have your name on the scoreboard. And for a hundred, the trough in the men's room is all yours!

We leave you with this thought: If Bill Gates could become one of the world's richest men after dropping out of Hahvahd, think of how succesful you'd be if you never attended!

COLUMBIA
November 1, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next: The PUB Evening News, with Dan Blabber.

In today's top story, Republican lawmakers have levelled new illegal fundraising charges at the Democratic Party. According to Republican spokesman Al Frente, during the 1996 campaign, the White House tried the following failed schemes to raise money:

• The "Al Gore Unplugged" Concert, featuring his hit single: The Macarena
• Sending Bill Clinton door-to-door selling Girl Scout cookies...it would have worked, but he ate them all
• Spend a night in the Lincoln bedroom...with Hillary Clinton
• The Chelsea Clinton Escort Service
• and entering Bill Clinton in a high-stakes Big Mac eating contest.

Forming a Big Mac on the field, the Band says "Hey Mr. President: get your hands off my buns!"

The following joke was cut in its entirety by the censors:

The following replaced the previous joke:

And now, it's the: Next Rest Stop -- 40 Miles, Slippery When Wet, Alien Crashing -- Next 5 Miles, The white zone is for loading and unloading only, No Parking -- This Means You, Speed checked by Radar, Drug and Weapon-free School Zone, Snow Route, Single-Single Non-Rotating Concert Arc!

Turning to sports, with the end of this year's World Series, the time has past for the Great American Pastime -- in more ways than one. Baseball's TV ratings have hit rock bottom, leaving the owners wondering how to attract more fans. We have some suggestions:

• Aztec Death Rules: last team alive wins
• replace Crackerjack with crack
• secretly replace chewing tobacco with Folger's Crystals: let's see who notices
• and secretly replace players with Folger's Crystals: let's see who notices

Saluting the Great American Pastime, the Band tries to get to second base.

Coming up next on this CBS station: The Smurfs' Halloween Special.

PENN
November 8, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, protecting the Earth from the scum of the universe: Men in Plaid.

Aliens are already among us! How else can you explain the following:

a)

the macarena

b)

Congressman Sonny Bono

c)

ch-ch-ch-ch Chia Pet

d)

Urkel

e)

Cheez Whiz

f)

the Penn band

Forming f) the Penn band, we ask our Quaker friends, "Hey, what planet are you from?"

Beam us up Scotty; there's no intelligent life here.

YALE
November 15, 1997

Now entering the field: the stars of stage, screen, and television, fresh from their Broadway debut, it's the Princeton University Band!

When we learned that today's game would be played in Giants Stadium, our first thought was: "Hey, let's bring shovels and dig for Jimmy Hoffa!" Since officially Jimmy is listed as "missing," the Band asks everyone in the stadium to think: where did you last use Jimmy Hoffa? After all, he couldn't have just gotten up and walked away. If you do find him, please turn him in to the nearest concession stand, and you'll receive a free popcorn and soda! Seriously though, after decades of Jimmy Hoffa jokes, he's probably rolling over in his grave -- in fact, you can probably hear the "thud" from the endzone!

Marking Mr. Hoffa's final resting place, the Band reminds you what Jimmy Hoffa would say if he were alive today: (muffled) "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

This fall, U.S. News and World Report ranked Princeton and Hahvahd as the number one schools in the nation, while yale finished in third place. Why was yale a third-place "also-ran" to Princeton's first place ranking? It's not hard to see:

• (Censored: Princeton's walkways are decorated with sculptures by famous artists, while yale's sidewalks are decorated with chalk outlines by police artists.)
• (Censored: Princeton's professors are among the country's most-wanted, while yale's professors are on "America's Most Wanted.")
• (Censored: Half of all Princeton students graduate with honors, while half of all yale students graduate with gunshot wounds.)
• The Princeton tiger is a fearsome predator, while the yale bulldog makes a nice house pet.
• Princeton students demonstrate undying loyalty to the Tiger, while yale students love their bulldog...frequently.
• Princeton's campus is filled with the melodious sounds of birds chirping and students singing, while yale's campus is filled with the odious sounds of car alarms screeching and sirens waling.
• Princeton students live over gothic arches, while yale students work under the Golden Arches.

Saluting the third-best school in the nation, the Band reminds you that Princeton is to yale as a Rolls Royce is to an Edsel.

This Fall, Princeton welcomed the first class of the new millenium: the Class of 2001. As the University's ambassadors of music, marching, mirth, and merriment, we'd like to offer the freshman this helpful guide to some important Princeton phrases:

• nude olympics: the most action any freshman will ever see
• T.A.: a graduate student studying English as a second language
• roommate: the only person who can listen to Beethoven, the Village People, and the Spice Girls....all at the same time
• meal plan: a strategy for feeding the same chicken to 500 students for two weeks
• McCosh Infirmary: see "meal plan"
• beer: see "McCosh Infirmary"
• breakfast: see "beer"
• registrar: C. Anthony Broh. Broh, Anthony, Broh.

Presenting three final phrases no Princeton student should be without, the Band salutes the freshman Class of 2001.

(Censored: We leave you with this thought: if Princeton is the stairway to Heaven, yale is the escalator to Hell.)

(Censored: We leave you with this thought: if God went to Princeton, then the Antichrist went to yale....and graduated with honors.)

We leave you with this thought: Princeton is to yale as filet mignon is to Spam.

DARTMOUTH
November 22, 1997

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, the Princeton University Band! Yeeaay!

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, we pause to reflect upon the history of this uniquely American holiday:

• 1619: The Mayflower lands at Hanover, New Hampshire. After just one day in this bleak wasteland, the Mayflower sets sail again, for anyplace else.
• 1620: The Mayflower lands at Plymouth, Massachusetts.
• 1621: The Mayflower finally finds a parking spot in Massachusetts. Later that year, the pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving with a sumptuous turkey dinner.
• 1622: The pilgrims celebrate the second Thanksgiving by finally finishing last year's sumptuous turkey leftovers.
• 1777: George Washington's soldiers at Valley Forge pioneer the use of the first frozen turkey.
• (Censored: 1861: The Civil War erupts when Southerners refuse to stop purchasing "dark meat.")
• And in 1919: Thanksgiving suffers a severe setback as Prohibition outlaws Wild Turkey.

Forming a bottle of Wild Turkey, the Band gets into the holiday spirit.

Prohibition was repealed in 1933, giving Americans one more reason to be thankful. And the history of Thanksgiving marched on:

• 1951: In the wake of the communist menace, turkey sales soar as patriotic Americans shun red meat.
• 1973: The wonders of modern technology allow Americans to choose for the first time: Stove Top Stuffing instead of potatoes!
• 1995: Thanksgiving enters a new era with the elimination of the swimsuit competition.
• (Censored: And in 1997: Genetic engineers cross a turkey with a sheep, producing the ideal Thanksgiving dinner date for a Dartmouth student. Finally you can have your date, and eat it too!)
• And in 1997: Genetic engineers cross a turkey with a sheep, producing the ideal Thanksgiving dinner for a Dartmouth student. Finally you can have your cake, and eat it too!

Forming a turkey drumstick on the field, the Band says "stuff this."

Of course, Thanksgiving is about more than just giving thanks. It's about twenty-three shopping days 'till Christmas! And here's some of this year's hottest new toys:

• (Censored: Tickle Me Marv Albert)
• Mighty Morphine Drug Dealers
• (Censored: Breast Cancer Barbie)
• Carnage Patch Kids
• (Censored: Child-size Condoms in five tasty flavors)
• Geriatric Joe with Super Polygrip
• "Playtoddler Magazine"
• "Pee Wee Herman's Popup Book"
• and "My First Crack Pipe," by Sony

Forming My First Crack Pipe, the Band asks "Got Crack?"

And now, on behalf of Musical Advisor Jack "Who's Your Daddy" Hontz, Stud Conductor Len "Oh Captain, My Captain" Teti, Drum Major Pete "Pornographic" Photos, and President Joe "Noooooooo!" Bailey, this is your announcer Justin "How Many Can You Do?" Werfel saying: Hey Statler! Yeah, Waldorf? What did you think of the Princeton Band's Thanksgiving halftime show? It was a real turkey! Oh ho ha ha ha ha ha!