The Band's announcer for the 1990 football season was Paul Conrad '91.

CORNELL
September 15, 1990

The Princeton University Band's advance scout party, shown here, rolled into Ithaca last night looking for love in all the wrong places.

The Band discovered last night that bigger isn't necessarily better. It's not the size of the band, but how well you use your instrument. Employing our full musical potential, the Band plays a fitting tribute to our favorite school with rain-swollen lakes.

Showing just how much better small can be, it's the

• bite size,
• just one calorie,
• individually wrapped,
• one size fits all,
• won't fill you up,
• all the taste and none of the guilt,
• betcha can't eat just one,
• a little dab' ll do ya',
• fits easily in those hard-to-reach places,
• we're not small; we're petite,
• may be used as a carry-on item,
• we're not the A-Team, but we've seen them on TV,
• Single-Double Rotating P!

And now, please welcome the Prussian Palace Guard.

FORDHAM
September 22, 1990

Ladies and gentlemen, in our 71st season of marching, mirth and merriment: the Princeton University Band.

The Band would like to welcome our friends from Fordham. You know, Princeton is a lot safer than the Bronx. Just steer clear of that Henry-1901 firing range. Don't worry though, visiting football rivals are always welcome, especially those with strong academic traditions.

And now, the Band welcomes the 1180 members of the class of 1994 -- Look out! He's got a gun! (Rim shot. Band member falls.) Run, Band, run! Well, for the remaining 1179 freshmen, the University offers these protective devices:

• the personal alarm; good for repelling attackers and attracting dogs,
• the pocket sized bayonet,
• a can of mugger-be-gone, and
• a year's supply of squirrel repellent.

For more complete protection, the Band suggests Scotch-Guarding the entire Freshmen class. But wait; there's so much more. Act now, and you too can receive a snarling, dorm-ready pit bull, with complimentary pirhanna for those rainy days. Please remember, we're not the Department of Public Safety, but we've seen them on TV. Saluting Public Safety, Protection, Personal alarms, Pitbulls and Pirhannas, the Band forms a Double-Double Rotating P.

COLGATE
September 29, 1990

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band rolled into Hamilton last night...and before we knew it, we had rolled right back out.

The Band woke up today, a little hazy after a long night at the DKE house. Despite their colorful past, we realize that all students are truly brothers, so we rushed out to pledge our support to Colgate's Greek system as they "Fight, Fight, Fight" their legal battles.

The Band went up and down last night...all over campus. In tribute to the ups and downs of Colgate campus life, it's the

• up the hill,
• down the street,
• it's not as steep as it looks,
• trucks use lower gear,
• it's not Mount Everest, but we've seen it on TV,
• oh, no! There go the brakes on my bike,
• soon reaching terminal velocity,
• tower has cleared us for landing,
• brush up-and-down, not side-to-side,
• Single-Double Rotating P!

This show has been rated NC-17 by the Motion Picture Association of America.

BROWN
October 6, 1990

Ladies and gentlemen, fighting with a vim that is dead sure to win, it's the Princeton University Band.

We passed a horrible accident on the way to the game. We weren't sure whether it was a brown bear hit by a semi...or just the Brown band. But seriously folks, saluting the Brown band's propensity for booths, bagels and backwash, we play a cheering song for Andy and Cathy's squeaking bed springs.

Most people think that Brown University was named after...dirt. However, the Band did some probing research last night and some more likely candidates are:

• lightly creamed coffee,
• hot, rich cocoa,
• simulated wood grain finish,
• the Hudson river,
• a cub scout's favorite meal,
• bagles on our noses,
• burnt squirrel,
• Beethoven's last movement,
• freshmen after a tug-of-war,
• we're not the chocolate that forms after you mix cocoa puffs and milk, but we've seen it on TV,
• it's the Double-Double Rotating P!

BUCKNELL
October 13, 1990

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band presents the Great American Rain Dance.

We interrupt this pregame show to bring you a special announcement. The part of Student Conductor, normally played by Kelvin "The Pelvis" Lee is being played today by our musical advisor Jack "Hotfoot" Hontz. When Kelvin heard that we were visiting Bucknell today, he decided to blow it off. Way to go, Kelvin. We're pleased to welcome Jack to his debut on the football field, and salute his years with the Band.

Hey Jack...do I smell something burning? Quick, Band, put it out! (Water balloons are thrown.) And now, for the only Band available in a spray can, it's the

• contents under pressure,
• do not puncture or incinerate,
• shake well before use,
• avoid spraying in eyes,
• not intended for internal consumption,
• may cause discoloration,
• use only in well-ventilated areas,
• not recommended for children under ten years of age,
• if irritation occurs, discontinue use and contact a physician,
• flammable band; exposure to temperatures above 120 degrees may cause bursting,
• we don't eat squirt cheese, but we've seen it on TV,
• now available in a pump,
• it's the environmentally safe, Single-Single Non-Rotating P!

And remember, Jack: You're not a hostage, you're a guest.

HAHVAHD
October 20, 1990

Band...James Band.

Hey Harvard, we hear your Band's been drafted...to sunny, fun-filled Saudi Arabia. So, you're going to entertain the troops...hope you brought along enough slide grease. But look at the bright side: you can still stick your head in the sand and no one will notice all the hot air you produce. Maybe the camels will like your...music. Playing Cambridge Community College's fight song, the Band salutes Harvard's hard move...groan.

It's hot in Saudi Arabia, but it was darn cold on the field this morning. Forming the

• snuggle for warmth,
• exposed flesh freezes within 30 seconds,
• don't forget your mittens,
• refrigerate after opening,
• thinsulate thermal underwear,
• hot rich cocoa,
• 90% of your body heat is lost through your head,
• featuring the layered look,
• don't lick the pump handle,
• we're hot-blooded,
• bundle up,
• it's not really cold; it's the wind chill factor,
• we don't have chapped lips, but we've seen them on TV,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

COLUMBIA
October 27, 1990

Rolling onto the field like a bunch of rabid pumpkins, it's the Princeton University Band.

Hey Columbia, we decided to do our pumpkin jokes first. Ha! We never understood why other schools make pumpkin jokes about us. I mean, how many pumpkins have you seen wearing underwear? The only reason no one ever mistakes the Columbia band for a pumpkin is because pumpkins are much better musicians. The Band now demonstrates how pumpkins would play the Columbia fight song.

All this talk about pumpkins has put us in the Halloween mood. Saluting our favorite holiday, and already dressed in our Halloween garb, it's the

• hey, little girl, want some candy?
• glows in the dark,
• trick or treat,
• hard boiled eggs, toilet paper and shaving cream,
• jack-o-lanterns,
• black cats,
• ghosts, ghouls and demons,
• quoth the raven, "Nevermore,"
• creatures of the night,
• only comes out at midnight,
• we aren't the Great Pumpkin, but we've seen it on TV,
• Double-Double Boil and Bubble Rotating P!

You can't kill us...we're already dead.

PENN
November 3, 1990

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band salutes its favorite politicians.

The Band has heard that President Bush is going over the desert and through the gulf to visit the soldiers in Saudi Arabia for Thanksgiving. Due to the upcoming election, there is a shortage of turkeys, so the soldiers will be having Quayle instead. Wishing our favorite poultry the best of luck, the Band plays the Penn fight song.

In light of the current budget crisis, George Bush knew just what to do: he went on vacation! Saluting Presidential wisdom, the Band forms the:

• make reservations in advance,
• Delta is ready when you are,
• off-season rates are cheaper,
• children under 12 ride for free,
• your seat may be used as a flotation device,
• cable included,
• round-trip supersaver airfare,
• check-out time is 11:00 am,
• we love to fly and it shows,
• PUB...the antidote for civilization,
• sun-block level 69,
• Single-Double Rotating P!

YALE
November 10, 1990

Puddling onto the field like the Yale bulldog, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at cantaloupes.

The Princeton University Band is very concerned and shocked about the recent pelting of the Yale band by cantaloupes. We feel tomatoes and rotten eggs would be much more appropriate. The last time we saw the Yale band, we responded by spouting blood and screaming hideously. Since the Yale band has been decapitated by flying fruit, we've decided to play their fight song.

After a little research studying the remains of the Yale band, we've discovered the existence of eighteen bodily fluids. Demonstrating our favorite finds, it's the

• blood,
• lymph,
• bile,
• sweat,
• saliva,
• mucous,
• phlegm,
• tears,
• post-nasal drip,
• slide spit,
• transaxle fluid,
• ear wax,
• pus,
• cream of asparagus,
• cerebral fluid,
• saline solution,
• petroleum jelly,
• amniotic fluid,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

DARTMOUTH
November 17, 1990

In it's final pregame of the season, the Princeton University Band is led by lame duck President Beth Katona. Hey Beth: Dehydrate...("Rehydrate!")

The Princeton University Band has fortunately been well-endowed with Beth's presence over the past four years. Whoever would have guessed that spunky little freshwomen would have such an impact on the Band's...eardrums. Independent in both her thinking and eating, Beth was the charter member of the University Cabbage Club. Forming a backward 'b', the Band plays "As Beth Goes Screaming By."

Hey Band...Ahhhhhhh! In our last 'P' of the year, the Band forms the

• I don't have ID, but I have a DM book,
• Katona with a 'K', not a 'C',
• who wants to take me to dinner?,
• hey Beth, is that an automated toll booth?,
• can we play soccer with your hamster ball?,
• I'm going to have a crisis now,
• list? We don't need no stinking list,
• wanna drive the van to Yale?,
• Peter, don't pour over me,
• gimme 'da special,
• she's not an air-raid siren, but she's played one on TV,
• it's the Double-Single Rotating Dental Floss!