The Band's announcer for the 1991 football season was Bruce Kennedy '92.

CORNELL
September 21, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, the only non-fascist band in the Ivy League, it's the Princeton University Band.

To those who have never been exposed to the Cornell band before, remember, it's not the size of your tuba section, but how creatively you use it. Forming an inconspicuous 'c', so as not to arouse the suspicion of the Pennsylvania police, the Band demonstrates its profound respect for Cornell.

The Band would now like to congratulate the administration for its successful theft of the clapper. But fear not, class of '95, there's still the ceremonial mace, Hal's dog, or all the ivy off of Nassau Hall. And now presenting:

• the world famous,
• fresh-smelling,
• law-abiding,
• we bought these Cornell jackets, really,
• musically unsound,
• we have better things to do than learn precision marching,
• (50% cotton on both ends),
• we invited Mussolini to be in our show, but he's just not feeling himself today,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

COLGATE
October 5, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Saturday morning, so we must be the Princeton University Band.

We are Band, Band we am,
we will not drink from kegs; they're banned.
We will not slurp beer from a plate,
we won't chug jello with Colgate.
We won't nip schnopps to get a buzz,
we won't sip shots. Why? Because
there's Proctor One and Proctor Two,
and we know what they're paid to do.
So hide your kegs and hide them well,
and keep the clapper in the bell.

Saluting the children of Colgate, the Band wants to remind you that "Fight Fight Fight" sounds suspiciously like "It's a Small World After All," unless you play it like this.

The Band would like to welcome the staff and their families to Palmer Stadium. Be sure to help yourself to a free soda and popcorn -- it's on us! And be sure to check inside the box for the toy surprise -- it's your Christmas bonus. Saluting:

• the overworked,
• underfunded,
• nine to four-thirty,
• overstressed,
• double-parked,
• going beyond, above, and scattered throughout the call of duty,
• we invited Jimmy Hoffa to be in our show, but he couldn't come because he just wasn't feeling himself today,
• the Band forms the Double-Double Rotating P!

BROWN
October 12, 1991

And now, ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads, and Regis Philbin. Leaking onto the field like a nasty press release, it's the Princeton University Band.

Hey Parents! Aren't you glad you sent your kids to Brown? Where else could they have Mental Health Awareness Week and actually take it seriously? Where else could your kids root for a football team that has scored less than Pee-Wee Herman? And where else could you find full "condom drawers" in all the dormitory lounges? Saluting nothing in particular, the Band plays a politically-correct, extended remix version of Brown's fight song.

And now for a daily trivia question: which is the greater number, the population of China, the number of unemployed Brown graduates, or the number of yards given up by the Brown defense so far this season? We don't have the answers -- we just ask the questions. And now for the

• ever-popular,
• multi-cultural,
• wash behind your ears,
• non-discriminatory,
• post-lapsarian,
• non-Eurocentric,
• deconstructionist,
• New World Order,
• clean your room,
• look both ways,
• thanks for the T-shirt Louie's Restaurant,
• our jackets aren't ugly -- we're just aesthetically challenged,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Your attention please: would the Brown band please pick up the white courtesy phone.

BUCKNELL
October 19, 1991

Stepping high to avoid the Bison chips, it's the Princeton University Band.

The Princeton University Band would like to welcome the Bucknell Bison to Palmer Stadium. Until today, we thought that bison were extinct, but imagine our surprise as we located several on the Bucknell cheerleading squad. Then again, we should have known -- Bucknell students love their bison...frequently. That's why Bucknell has derived their cheer from the glorious sounds of bison in the springtime: EEWAA! Don't get us wrong; we respect the Bucknell Bison, as long as they're kept in their proper place: the farm.

Making the Bucknell students feel right at home on the farm, it's the

• farmer in the dell,
• sowing wild oats,
• chip off the old bison,
• moo cow,
• bison tipping,
• six sacks of manure,
• cock-a-doodle doo,
• oven-stuffer roaster,
• Frank....Oh Frank,
• Look, Auntie Em, it's a twister,
• Hey Natasha, show us your teeth,
• Bison, get some free,
• We invited Old McDonald to be in our show, but he didn't come because he wasn't feeling himself today,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

HAHVAHD
October 26, 1991

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting your new provost, the Princeton University Band.

That's right, the Band got your new provost job, but not without some stiff competition. We did manage to overhear some of the questions asked of the other candidates for the post:

• "Are you free for a few drinks after the interview, Mr. Kennedy?"
• "So, what's you're favorite movie, Clarence?"
• "Do you have any references from your former occupation as Grand Wizard, Mr. Duke?"
• "Can I see your license, Mr. Swaggart -- ooooh, and hello Mrs. Swaggart!"
• "Are you quite sure you passed the bar, John?"
• "Do you know how to knit and stuff?" (Band yells: "Knit one, pearl two, Hahvahd, yoo-hoo!")

And now the Band would like to pay a tribute to Gene Roddenbery, a man who boldy wrote what no man wrote before. Forming the galactically famous:

• warp speed now,
• I kinna get it up, Captain,
• beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life in Cambridge,
• it's life, Jim, but not as we know it,
• which way to the nuclear wessels?,
• set tubas on stun,
• dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a provost,
• boldy going where no band has gone before,
• illogical, yet fascinating,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, straight from the Neutral Zone, with the beauty of a Klingon and the wit and humor of a Vulcan, it's the Hahvahd University Band.

Sorry, we seem to be missing a few people here and there...and there...and here...and over there, but over Fall Break, most of the Band was deployed to Madrid to bring peace to the Middle East. So, what have you done with your Fall Break? But don't worry, Columbia, we should mop up that little mess easily, before we take on the more difficult task of explaining child-proof caps to the Columbia students. Forming a lowly and insignificant 'c' on the field, the Band invites the Columbia fans to press down hard and twist.

And now, solving even more of the world's problems right here on the pregame field,

• faster than a derailed subway car,
• able to leap Columbia students in a single bound,
• single-handedly repairing the ozone layer,
• feeding the world's hungry with pork rolls from Harry's Luncheonette,
• clothing the naked, except for Princeton's own Olympic hopefuls,
• strong enough for a man, but made for a woman,
• all-encompassing,
• stickier than the floor of this taproom,
• more effective than Carl Wartenburg's alcohol policy,
• more tummy toning than the adbomenizer,
• it's the Single-Double Rotating P!

PENN
November 9, 1991

Conga'ing onto the field like a bunch of Brazilian pygmies, it's the Princeton University Band. Surprise, Janice; this is your worst nightmare come true.

Our president, Janice Johnston, has graced the Band with her cute, fuzzy presence for four years, and we'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to her. Hey, remember that time freshman year with the three lacrosse players and the bottle of paint thinner?....Oh, sorry; we forgot that your parents are here today -- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Johnston! If there are any Penn law school admissions officers in the stands today, watch Janice closely as she struts her stuff on the field, because if she doesn't get into her first sixty-nine choices, she may have to go to Penn. Saluting the Penn law school, the Band plays that song that gets on everybody's nerves.

And now, it's the:

• battery-operated,
• diarrhea of the mouth,
• hey, is that Lyle mooning the state trooper?
• get Janice arrested,
• hey Janice, watch your spleen,
• so how did you get mononucleosis anyways?
• she may sing show tunes on the bus, but at least she doesn't play cards,
• rewoT rewoT,
• would you like another pitcher of Ribalds?
• fuzzy, like the pizza she ate off the floor,
• Penn law school can use a woman like Janice,
• another high-powered tool, it's the Single-Double Rotating Chainsaw!

YALE
November 16, 1991

And now, exploding onto the field with the intensity of a thousand hot suns, it's the Princeton University Band.

We have a few questions about an obscure school in New Haven that begins with 'Y':

• Why do the fans in the yale stands bear a striking resemblance to the bulldog?
• Why is New Haven?
• For God, for country, but why on Earth for yale?
• Why does the bulldog look like it's been chasing parked cars, and what is it doing rubbing up against that yalie student?
• Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side?
• Why are the Whiffen poofs?

But now, in the interest of equal representation, and since yale students aren't quite smart enough to figure out why they ended up there, we've compiled a list, denoting those qualities that might induce one to go to yale. And so, presenting the:

• everything you always wanted in a community college, but less,
• they make nice locks,
• see, keg is real,
• can be used to induce vomiting,
• one out of five dentists recommends it,
• brightens your whole load,
• it can usually be treated with antibiotics,
• the yale drum major is only worth sixty points,
• we invited Eli yale to be with us, but he couldn't come because he wasn't feeling himself today,
• it's the better than yale, Double-Double Rotating P!

DARTMOUTH
November 23, 1991

Stumbling onto the field like a Dartmouth student in search of a common source, it's the Princeton University Band.

Last night the Band discovered that Dartmouth had contracted a lame alcohol policy. The weather was wet, but the frats were dry. We'd like you to know that even though you've lost your common sources, you'll always be a common school to us. Remember, you are always welcome to leave your sheep for a weekend and make the roadtrip to Princeton, because if you've got the time, we've got the beer. But if you don't have the time, we'd still like to invite your Band to come down and sit on our face, but please, no declarations of love.

And now, for our last 'P' of the season, exploring all those topics that the censor board said we couldn't do tastefully, the Band unleashes the:

• totally uncensored,
• brutally frank,
• 69,
• fetal pig hors d'oeuvres,
• William Kennedy Smith,
• Silence = Death,
• full body Catholic workout: Genuflex,
• phallic art,
• three tiny vessels crossing the Atlantic,
• but wait, Band, what about Joyce?
• stepping high on the Stairmaster to Heaven,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Hey Dartmouth: four legs gooooood, two legs baaaaaad.