The Band's announcer for the 1992 football season was Rob Kutner '94.

CORNELL
September 19, 1992

Frothing onto the field like deranged rabid squirrels, it's the Princeton University Band.

It's not every Ivy League university that is proud to feature a school of hotel management. Following the stunning success of that program, Cornell has decided to expand its academic offerings to include the following:

• The Cornell School of Motel Management (tuition by the hour--wink wink)
• The Cornell School of Escort Management (Big Red Cadillac not included)
• The Cornell School of Condom inium Management
• The Cornell School of Sanitation Management, and
• The Cornell School of Fast Food Management

Properly grading these fine institutions, the Band pays Cornell the respect it deserves.

And speaking of things that deserve a lot of respect, take the economy. ("Please. No, really!") Saluting a national economy that's as in the red as Cornell, it's the:

• going for broke,
• on the verge of a recovery,
• watching the dollar plummet into a fiscal gorge,
• 1000 points of light doesn't put food on the table,
• Stove Top Stuffing instead of dinner,
• the mother of all recessions,
• for those of you who don't see the economy through big red colored glasses,
• with all the precision of an economic forecast,
• pink slips make lovely stocking stuffers,
• other bands only practice microeconomics; we're MACROeconomics,
• taking the economic plunge,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Now the ultimate depression: the Cornell band.

LAFAYETTE
September 26, 1992

Precipitating onto the field like a New Jersey rain cloud, it's the Princeton University Band.

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night could stop true Princeton football fans from supporting their team today. Like all of you, the Band refuses to yield...to monsoons, oncoming traffic, court orders, state troopers, good taste, wet wool, threats of nuclear reprisal, nor John Phillip Sousa spinning in his grave. Also saluting the loyal Lafayette fans, the Band plays a fitting tribute to their fine academic institution.

And now, it's the:

• slippery when wet,
• differently dry,
• just add water,
• I'm melting! I'm melting!
• water soluble,
• Dive! Dive! Ah-oogah! Ah-oogah!
• the mother of all monsoons,
• you're soaking in it,
• we sure fixed the Lafayette Band, didn't we?
• Double-Double Rotating P!

LEHIGH
October 3, 1992

Ladies and gentlemen, sweeping onto the field like the Serbian army, it's the Princeton University Band.

On the way out to Bethlehem, the Band was wondering why the Lehigh mascot is the Engineer. We were very surprised to learn all the Lehigh Engineers' amazing innovations, such as: the Hubble space telescope, the Pinto, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, the electoral college system, the Titanic, squeeze cheese, Pennsylvania speeding regulations, Three Mile Island, and the U.S.S. Saratoga's surface to air missile guidance system. The Band salutes the little Engineers that couldn't and the wonderful town that produced them.

And now, it's the

• objects on field are larger than they appear,
• some assembly required,
• batteries not included,
• do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this pregame show,
• do not try this at home,
• an hour to learn; a lifetime to master,
• don't touch that dial,
• Danger! 11,000 volts!
• keep out of reach of children,
• if swallowed, induce vomiting,
• do not disassemble; no user-serviceable parts inside,
• the mother of all pregames,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, a bunch of losers stepping in like Ross Perot...

BROWN
October 10, 1992

Ladies and gentlemen, entering the field like Serbian planes in a U.N. no-fly zone, it's the Princeton University Band.

We'd like to welcome all those students from Brown who came here today rather than take the Graduate Record Exam. ETS has authorized us to administer this make-up exam. Princeton is to Brown, as:

a)

Mahatma Gandhi is to Sadaam Hussein

b)

Eddie Van Halen is to Lawrence Welk

c)

filet mignon is to lunch meat

d)

the Hyatt is to Motel 6

e)

sabre toothed tigers are to gummy bears

f)

the Brown Band

And now: Wuv and Mawwidge. We'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate drummer Mark Hontz '89 on his impending marriage to Band alumna Steph McConnell '92. Forming:

• the mother of all weddings,
• Princeton sure left its Mark on Steph,
• drummers do it with rhythm,
• sometimes a pipe is just a pipe,
• dating your RA sure pays off,
• hey Mark, nice wedding reception; be a shame if something were to...happen to it
• Eliza. Bachelor party. Cake. 'nuff said.
• we suggest orange and black plaid tuxedos; they're very stylish,
• Double-Double Rotating Wedding Bands!

And remember--Brown Band: nine letters. Cataclysm: nine letters. Think about it.

HOLY CROSS
October 17, 1992

And now, tainting the field like original sin, it's the Princeton University Band.

It's been a long three years since Princeton's faced Holy Cross, and many things have changed:

• Three years ago, the Berlin Wall was up; unemployment was down.
• Three years ago, the only things that fell apart in Yugoslavia were the cars.
• Three years ago, there were no green Fruit Loops; now even Kellogs is turning Trix...into all kinds of funny shapes.
• Three years ago, Holy Cross refused to house us, and we stayed at W.P.I. This year, Holy Cross refused to house us, and we stayed at the Greendale Y. (Thank you, Dr. Gallagher and the Goldens.)
• And finally, three years ago we saluted Holy Cross by playing the Notre Dame fight song. Once again, we play the fight song of our favorite Catholic school.

And now, it's the

• may contain one or more of the following ingredients,
• use before 6/93,
• refrigerate after opening,
• if swallowed, induce vomiting,
• fortified with eight essential vitamins,
• shake well before using,
• part of this nutritious breakfast,
• contains at least 6.9% fruit juices,
• mother of all dietary supplements,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Holy Cross: nine letters. No housing: nine letters. Coincidence? We doubt it.

HAHVAHD
October 24, 1992

Today on Geraldo: Thor as shaved martyr.

Ladies and gentlemen: as prophesied by Nostradamus, it's the Princeton University Band.

The Band would like to welcome our esteemed colleagues from Harvard. Speaking of things that have been bypassed by history, take the Edsel. ("Please. No, really.") Or 8-track tapes. And there's always the USSR, and bell bottoms. And Dial Club...Elm Club...Cannon Club. And who could forget the passenger pigeon, and dinosaurs. Before dinosaurs outlived their usefulness, a giant meteor wiped them out. If only Cambridge were so lucky. Playing a tribute to things which have no purpose, the Band now salutes Cambridge Community College.

And now: it's the:

• not available in any stores,
• supplies are limited,
• only one per customer,
• special signed and numbered limited edition,
• as advertised on TV,
• we're not different; we're unique,
• the mother of all consonants,
• does the Harvard band have P envy?
• often imitated, never duplicated,
• the one, the only,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And remember--Harvard: seven letters. Pompous: seven letters. Coincidence? You decide.

COLUMBIA
October 31, 1992

Galloping onto the field like rabid pollsters, it's the Princeton University Band.

Yes, it's that time of year again: Halloween, and the presidential elections. The time when people dress silly, act stupid, and pretend to be something they're not. Bush is pretending to be Harry Truman. Harry Truman is pretending to be dead. Clinton is pretending to be Kennedy. Kennedy is also pretending to be dead. Perot is pretending to be Ed Koch. Ed Koch isn't dead, but he's an ex-mayor of New York, which is the next best thing. And Columbia is pretending to be an Ivy League school. Saluting C.U.N.Y., the Band plays the Columbia fight song.

And now, it's the

• tax and spend,
• trickle down,
• voodo economics,
• read our lips,
• I'm all out of ammunition on that one,
• where was George?
• wouldn't be prudent,
• I'm all ears,
• no new taxes,
• family values,
• giant sucking sound coming from Mexico,
• kinder, gentler recession,
• I like Ike,
• 54-40 or fight,
• the mother of all sound bytes,
• Single-Double fully armed and operational Rotating P!

And remember: ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for me.

PENN
November 7, 1992

Dropping onto the field like the 82nd airborne, it's the Princeton University Band.

(Announcer is replaced by "out of town" Drum Major)

Hi Doug! Today, we've replaced the Princeton Drum Major with Folger's crystals. Let's see what happens.

We'd like to welcome our friends from Penn, the nursery school of the Ivy League. Let's take a look at what Penn students study: safety pins, safety razors, and safety belts. Upperclass students move on to advanced topics including: Crash Test Dummies 305 (with its grueling lab requirement), The History of Speed Bumps, and Fundamentals of Training Wheels. True, their studies don't prepare them for the job market, but remember: you go to a vocational school to learn a vocation; you go to a safety school to learn safety.

Oh no, Band. You formed the 'p' upside-down.

We'd like to take this opportunity to pay a tribute to our illustrious president, Doug "Get Doug Arrested" Natelson. We gave Doug a stress test, and found these top ten things which stress him out. And now, it's the:

• the check's in the mail,
• mooning state troppers,
• Lyle going for beers with the Columbia band during the parade,
• you guys don't need to go on road trips, do you?
• finding our way through Worcester,
• Doug, the Band's entropy is 2% higher than the model,
• Band taking the subway through New York,
• the back nine on the bus,
• Joyce, cut it, Joyce; and
• fake weddings,
• (Don't have an aneurism, Doug; it's almost over),
• the mother of all presidents,
• Single-Double Pulsating, Throbbing Vein in Doug's Neck!

Hey Doug: did you know "gullible" only has seven letters?

YALE
November 14, 1992

Rumbling onto the field like New Haven street gangs, it's the Princeton University Band.

yale's been looking for a new president. Ever since election day, there's been speculation that George Bush would be perfect for the job. After all, they're both behind the times and have no future. And who better to lead yale than a man who's run the national economy into the ground? But if Bush declines, may we suggest Dan Quayle. At yale, he could rise to his own level of incomptence. Or how about Stockdale? He's eminently qualified--after eight years in a prison camp. We'e sure that yale will have no trouble finding someone qualified to accept this prestigious position...yeah, right.

This just in: the new president of yale is Darryl Gates, for obvious reasons.

Given free will, why would anyone go to yale? It's:

• easy to spell on applications,
• gets rid of that nasty inferiority complex,
• iron bars keep you for escaping in the middle of the night,
• glutton for punishment,
• roll doubles three times in a row,
• because you have a thing for bulldogs,
• bums and drunks make great party guests,
• 'cause you're anal and gaping and look good in tweed,
• you can participate in drive-by shootings on the way to class,
• because Iraq is too far away,
• the mother of all urban decay,
• and once a year you get to see the Double-Double Rotating P with Mega Bass!

DARTMOUTH
November 21, 1992

Galloping onto the field like the four horsemen of the apocalypse, it's the Princeton University Band.

We'd like to welcome our friends from Dartmouth. We wanted to make you feel right at home, but the admissions office refused to lower its standards that far. Speaking of lowered standards...

What do you get when you cross a Dartmouth student with a sheep?

Another Dartmouth student.

What do you get when you cross a Dartmouth student with a Yale student?

A sheepdog that likes vermouth.

What do you get when you cross a Dartmouth student with a Columbia student?

A sheep on the lam.

What do you get when you cross a Dartmouth student with a Harvard student?

There are some things even a Harvard student won't do.

And now, it's the:

• coming in on final approach,
• it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings,
• parting is such sweet sorrow,
• here endeth the lesson,
• prepare for landing,
• so long and thanks for all the fish,
• going, going, gone!
• God is calling us home,
• the end is near,
• prepare to meet your maker,
• bd' bd' bd' that's all folks!
• we're outta here!
• the mother of all championships,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

We were going to make a lawsuit joke, a dinky little joke, but we were afraid of being named co-defendants.