CORNELL
September 18, 1993

Ladies and gentlemen, opening our 75th season of music, marching, mirth and merriment, it's the Princeton University Band!

Hey Mr. and Mrs. Dobson, aren't you glad you didn't send Wolff to Cornell? He could have attended the School of Hotel Management and learned to say things like "Your bag, sir." Sure, he is big and red, but a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Speaking of terrible things, take Cornell. ("Please. No, really!") The Band would like to welcome our esteemed colleagues from Cornell Community College with a foot-stomping, heart-warming, liver-wrenching rendition of "Far Below Cayuga's Waters."

And now, from second-rate schools to second-rate game shows, it's the

• I'd like to buy a vowel,
• no whammies!
• come on down!
• good answer! good answer!
• I'd like to solve the puzzle,
• survey says,
• joker, joker, joker,
• the password is "menendez,"
• I'll take "Patricide" for $14 million, Alex.
• and behind Door #2, it's the
• Double-Double Rotating P!

This score just in from the West Bank: Israelis 7, Palestinians 7.

LAFAYETTE
September 25, 1993

Mesdames et monsieurs, the International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Sevrès, France ("Home of the Meter") proudly presents the Princeton University Band! Bonjour, Sue! Don't forget to breathe! Mwaahahahahahahah!

Here in Eastern Pennsylvania, there is an air of France. Already on campus today, we've seen Charles De Gaulle, Napoleon, Jaques Cousteau (and the faithful crew of the Calypso), François Mitterand, Vidal Sasson, Pepe Le Peu, Doctor Guillotine, the Marquis de Sade, Jean Valjean, and of course, Jean Luc Picard. Ladies and gentlemen, levez-vous, sil vous plait, for the playing of the national anthem.....of France.

And now, saluting all things French, such as

• Perrier,
• Peugeot,
• camembert,
• les poissons,
• truffles,
• the password is "Peter 'Lafayette' Dutton,"
• French dressing,
• French bikinis,
• French kisses,
• French fries,
• French toast,
• André ("The Beer of Champagnes"),
• Au Bon Pain,
• and Québec, it's the
• Single-Double Rotating Pay!

Of course we're French! Why do you think we have these outrrrrageous accents?

BROWN
October 9, 1993

Ladies and gentlemen, stalking onto the field like the Menendez brothers, it's the Princeton University Band!

Yesterday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke at Brown on the Health Care plan. For those of you who couldn't make it, the Band presents these highlights. One exciting new feature is the Frequent Ailer Plan: earn illness points towards fabulous new diseases, plus a free syndrome after 40,000 points. Hillary also mentioned that the new Health Care card can also be used at 69,000 ATM machines worldwide, and also at Curry in a Hurry. As a cardmember, your benefits include:

Covered: cancer

Not Covered: sagitarius

Covered: prescription drugs

Not Covered: the drugs you take

Covered: schizophrenia

Not Covered: schizophrenia

Covered: paranoia, except for you

Covered: black plague

Not Covered: brown plague

And now, saluting Rhode Island's greatest new business, the Drive-Thru Condom Store in Pawtucket, it's the:

• will that be for here or to go?
• do you sell Happy Meals?
• quality latex ready in about an hour,
• will that be paper or plastic?
• free prize in every package,
• the password is "protection,"
• will that be self-service or full?
• try our new Crystal Condom--tastes great, less filling!
• fitting room in the rear,
• would you like to wear that home?
• Single-Double Rotating P!

And now, the only band that gets academic credit for this game.

LEHIGH
October 16, 1993

Traipsing onto the field like a euphoric Nobel prize winner, it's the Princeton University Band!

Hey, Toni Morrison, you've just won the Nobel prize! What are you going to do now? ("I'm going to Disney World!") Speaking of Mickey Mouse organizations, take Lehigh...for example. The Lehigh Engineers can look forward to such exciting careers as: sanitation engineer, kitchen engineer, shoeshine engineer, and McNugget engineer. But don't worry, you'll be promoted to Fry Guy soon. Welcoming our friends who've come all the way from Bethlehem Pennsylvania, the Band salutes Lehigh University's hometown.

And now, it's the

• crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside,
• hot and spicy,
• sweet and sour,
• good to the last drop,
• finger lickin' good,
• bet you can't eat just one,
• melts in your mouth, not in your hand,
• cholesterol free,
• moist and juicy,
• all the sugar and twice the caffeine,
• the password is "salmonella,"
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Tag -- you're it!

HAHVAHD
October 23, 1993

Oozing onto the field like the sludge in Boston Harbor, it's the Princeton University Band!

The Band was dismayed to learn of the tragic accident when several teenagers lay down in the middle of the road, while imitating the movie The Program. And Princeton's had its own shocking experience as well. Ever mindful of the preservation of human life, the Band presents this list of safety tips:

• Do not look directly at Band uniforms -- may cause permanent eye damage.
• Caution: Fork is very sharp. Do not jam in eye.
• Warning: Do not stick your tongue in electric socket.
• Caution: The Dinky is not a flotation device.
• Objects in Band may be plaider than they appear.
• Warning: Never drink and luge.
• And remember: Friends don't let friends go to Hahvahd.

And now, it's the:

• don't hate us because we're beautiful,
• 99 and 44/100% pure,
• two great tastes that taste great together,
• less saturated fat than the other leading band,
• new coating prevents stomach upset,
• goes down easy,
• plop plop fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is,
• the password is "pure chewing satisfaction,"
• don't leave home without it,
• double your pleasure, double your fun,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, please welcome the Band we wish would lie down in the middle of the street: the Hahvahd University Bahnd.

HAHVAHD
(Suburban Transit Sucks -- Not Performed)
October 23, 1993

Quacking onto the field like a band desparately searching for its bus, it's the Princeton University "Look Ma--No Instruments" Band!

The Band rolled into Cambridge last night, and boy are our ribs sore. But at least we had a bus then. Imagine our surprise when we awoke this morning and discovered our bus had departed for points unknown...with all our instruments. Gotta love that Suburban Transit! Forming a missing bus on the field, the Band performs "Where Oh Where Has My Little Bus Gone?"

But seriously Band, where oh where do you think your little bus has gone?

• Disney World,
• The Bermuda Triangle,
• Greenwich Village,
• Bosnia,
• Somalia,
• the bottom of Boston Harbor,
• Lafayette,
• Chapaquidick,
• a place where the sun doesn't shine,
• the forest moon of Endor,
• the password is "Suburban Transit Sucks,"
• Double-Double Rotating P!

COLUMBIA
October 30, 1993

Blazing onto the field like a California wildfire, it's the Princeton University Band!

This just in: the Pulitzer Prize for General Non-Fiction goes to Senator Bob Packwood. The Band has obtained an advance copy of his diary, and here are some highlights:

• February 14th: went out cruising and hit the bars with Teddy
• April 29th: watched Clarence Thomas hearings--picked up a few pointers
• May 15th: Probed deeply into Heidi Fleiss...affair
• July 4th: Amy Fisher sure is one hot babe!
• August 17th: Turned down presidential offer from Columbia University. You'd have to be desperate to take that job!

And now, it's the

• What's up, Doc?
• the illutium Q-36 explosive space modulator,
• Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet!
• I tawt a taw a puddy tat,
• I demand you shoot me now!
• I should have made that left turn at Albuquerque,
• meep! meep!
• you're ditththpicable!
• where, oh where is the earth-shattering ka-boom?
• the password is "wabbit season,"
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Bd-bd-bd...That's all folks!

PENN
November 6, 1993

Skipping onto the field like a broken record, it's the Princeton University Band! (click) Band! (click) Band! (click) Band!

Welcome to the Princeton-Penn football game--truly, a clash of the titans. Today's game is the latest in a series of great match-ups, including: Greece vs. Troy, Rome vs. Carthage, Leno vs. Letterman, Coke vs. Pepsi, Batman vs. the Joker, Tom vs. Jerry, Man vs. Machine, Nature vs. Nurture, the password is "wrestlemania," Tastes Great vs. Less Filling, Toronto vs. Philadelphia, and today's matchup: an Ivy League school vs. Penn.

And now, the Princeton University Band proudly presents this field guide to spotting the wild SueBear of Maine. Listen carefully for these sounds:

• I'm not a tool,
• I can say that with a straight face,
• Sure, Mr. Murray--anything you want,
• Yo, Band: wine!
• I can't get my pants off,
• Can I pour my drink on you?
• the password is "Peter,"
• We need a fourth,
• ahhhhh,
• Has anyone seen my appendix?
• I hate math,
• Double-Double Rotating Chaste Little Corner of the Bed!

We leave the tagline of this pregame as an exercise for the audience.

YALE
November 13, 1993

That was the yale Indecision Marching Band: it's like hell.

Ladies and gentlemen, pouring onto the field like Nobel prizes into Princeton, it's the Princeton University Band.

Horrifying as it may seem, yale students and Princeton students do have something in common...like the presentation of a Good Stuff Box at the beginning of the school year. However, not all Good Stuff Boxes are created equal. The yale box is sealed with "The Club," and contains:

• a yale lock
• Kevlar vests
• semi-automatic weapons
• Cappio!
• Cayenne Pepper Spray: it's a self-defense device and a salad dressing
• a quart of brandy so you can forget that you're at yale
• a ticket to someplace far, far away
• no condoms...why bother?

And now, it's the

• rich Corinthian leather,
• we build excitement,
• hi, George Faunce '47,
• quality is Job One...no, make that Three,
• zero to sixty in 6.9 seconds,
• put a tiger in your tank,
• try the pork roll at Harry's Luncheonette,
• I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler,
• oh what a feeling!
• the password is "fahrvergnügen,"
• I love what you do for me,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

The Princeton University Band reminds you not to vote. This message brought to you by the Committee to re-elect Christie Whitman.

DARTMOUTH
November 20, 1993

Rolling onto the field like cars down the interstate, the Princeton University Band gets with "The Program!"

Choosing a good mascot is a tough job. Always willing to lend a hand, the Princeton University Band offers these suggestions of things that are big and green: Greenland, mold, algae, Kermit, the Green Lantern, the St. Patrick's Day Parade, seasick sailors, George Bush after sushi, eggs and ham, Oscar the Grouch, California before the wildfires, the floor at Alpha Delta, elves, lepercolonies--er, leprechauns, Robin Hood's tights, the Jolly Green Giant (and his little sprout), great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts, Soylent Green, and avocadoes. And remember, if it's big and green, try penicillin, because penicillin kills the germs that cause Dart Mouth.

And now it's the

• Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are,
• Same bat-time, same bat-channel,
• Sit Ubu, sit...good dog,
• And that's the way it is,
• Say goodnight, Gracie,
• That's the show, and we are outta here,
• That's all folks,
• The password is "sayonara,"
• So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, goodbye,
• Hasta la vista, baby,
• Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go,
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Please welcome the Dartmouth College Marching band (that giant sucking sound) next on "Live at Five." I'm Don Pardo.