The Band's announcer for the 1994 football season was Paul Cernota '95.

CORNELL
September 17, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, driving onto the field like a white Ford Bronco, it's the Princeton University Band!

The Princeton Band applauds the Cornell administration's innovative decision to move homecoming to the first game of the season, "because the weather's better." Way to go. The decision was so popular, they've also decided to move graduation to late September...because the weather's better. Christmas Break will now begin in March...because the weather's better. This morning, the Cornell administration announced they are moving next year's homecoming from the meaningless Holy Cross contest to the Game of the Century: Cornell versus Ithaca Brownie Troop 54. Go Brownies! In fact, in 1996, the entire football season will be moved to July...so that more students can attend. But the most insightful move of all is the Deans Office's recommendation to move Gorge Jumping Season to the first week of classes, to avoid the finals rush. Applauding administrative brilliance, the Band plays a tribute to Cornell University, with all the majesty it deserves.

And now, it's the

• Big Dipper,
• Big Easy,
• Big Chill,
• Big Mac,
• Big Bird,
• Big Bang,
• Big Ben,
• Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a meteorologist!
• Big 10,
• Bigamy,
• Biggie Drink and Biggie Fries,
• Little Big Horn,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, please welcome the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

COLGATE
September 24, 1994

While the Colgate band was brushing up on its Robopound skills last night, the Princeton Band was wondering "What do Colgate students do with their time?" They probably study for hours with such stimulating courses as: Flossing 101, The Art of the Rinse and Spit, and Advanced Up-and-Down (with extra credit for Side-to-Side). Most courses are offered in three sections: soft, medium, and hard. After years of studying, Colgate students will find plenty of job opportunities. For instance, they can work as Dental Hygieniests, Drill Sergeants, or indentured servants. Saluting Colgate University, "the abscess of the Patriot League," the Princeton Band plays "Fight Fight Fight! Brush Brush Brush! Floss Floss Floss!"

And now, saluting the flavors Crayola didn't use in its new Scratch 'n Sniff Crayons, it's the:

• macaroni and cheese
• garlic,
• old shoes,
• transmission fluid,
• beef jerky,
• pork rind,
• sour milk,
• Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an oral specialist!
• salisbury steak,
• Eau de Camden,
• tabasco sauce,
• Potpourri,
• Meister Brau,
• Spam spam spam spam,
• I find this list highly illogical,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

BUCKNELL
October 1, 1994

Hey Palmer Stadium! Let's get ready to CRUMBLE!

This just in: the Nassau Weekly has been replaced by the Weekly World News. And just look at these headlines:

• Ghost of Einstein Haunts Holder Hall!
• Amelia Earhart Found in Firestone Carrel!
• Princeton Astronomer Says Moon Really is Made of Green Cheese!
• Psychic Predicts Mets Have Best Season in Decades
• Squirrel Found in Cyclotron--35 Feet Long!
• Eat PUDS and Lose up to 30 Pounds a Week!

And now, presenting the best of Shakespeare, it's the:

• Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou not Fabio?
• Out, Out, Damn spot! Don't do that on the carpet!
• Ahhh...the beast with two backs!
• Tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow, campus construction creeps on at a steady pace
• Screw your courage to the sticking place
• Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an actor!
• A rose by any other name is still 3 bucks
• Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? It's someone climbing on the Dinky!
• Friends, Romans, Cottage Club, lend me your beers.
• Et tu, O.J.?
• Double-Double Rotating P!

BROWN
October 8, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, just named the best-dressed band in the country by People magazine, it's the Princeton University Band.

We're pleased to welcome Brown to what's left of Palmer Stadium. Just like Palmer, the Brown football team has been known to crumble under pressure. But not this year. For the first time in recorded history, Brown has won more than one football game in a row. The Princeton Band has discovered the secret of their success:

• New defensive coordinator, O.J. Simpson, is good at instilling that killer instinct
• Brown games are Pass/Fail
• They are the new home of the East German women's swim team...which also satisfies their Title IX suit
• Two words: Trevor Yankoff
• They secretly replaced their team with Folger's Crystals
• Hell froze over
• Brown enlisted new head coach General Raoul Cedras
• It's gotta be da shoes, and
• Replaced offensive line with Brownie Troop 34.

Saluting the Brown football team's success, the Princeton Band says: Go Brownies!

And now, it's the:

• welcome to the Halls of Medicine,
• when you haven't got time for the pain,
• plop, plop, fizz, fizz,
• coats and soothes,
• just two of these, and I can go another nine innings,
• step up to the Mic,
• dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a...uh, wait...
• now in easy-to-swallow caplets,
• stops the pain and the itching,
• fights gingivitis,
• we've got a hangover this big, and it's got Meister Brau written all over it,
• the Malox Moment,
• Halls Mentholyptis, with vapor action,
• strong enough for a man, but made for a woman,
• nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, achy head, fever, so you can rest,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

FORDHAM
October 15, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the thousand-member strong, awesome high-stepping sonic glory of the Princeton University Band!

Saddam, Saddam, Saddam. When will he ever learn? When Saddam Hussein was asked why he was moving his troops back to Kuwait this week, all he had were excuses, like:

• They were going to 2-for-1 day at Six Flags over Kuwait
• Troops were taking a leisurely afternoon stroll
• They were headed for Machine Gun Day at the Kuwaiti All-Star Game
• Army was going to Disney World
• A Kuwaiti book store was having a Salman Rushdie book signing

Yea, right. Turning from lame excuses for an invasion to a lame excuse for a football team, the Band salutes Fordham.

And now, it's the:

• slippery when wet,
• bridge freezes before road,
• keep hands away from moving parts,
• you must be this tall to ride this ride,
• do not operate machinery after consuming this beverage,
• dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not an OSHA worker,
• no user-servicable parts inside,
• Danger! 10,000 volts! Do not climb on top!
• if swallowed, induce vomiting,
• may cause permanent catastrophic injury or death,
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Remember, if irritation persists, consult a physician.

Ladies and gentlemen, celebrating its 75th Birthday, but not looking a day over 69, it's the Princeton University Band.

Attention! Attention! We have this year's scoring update from the Nobel Prize Committee: Princeton 1, Harvard ZERO. Better luck next year, Harvard. Well, at least you can take solace in the many Nobel Prizes won by Harvard in the past. For example, in 1954 Harvard professor Benjamin Dover won the prize in physics, for his groundbreaking study of why toast falls buttered-side down. And in 1976, Harvard's Alice Frente won the Nobel Peace Prize, for negotiating free trade between North and South Dakota. But undoubtedly, Harvard's most illustrious Nobel Prize came in the field of medicine, when Thomas Everett developed the treatment he named after Harvard...that's right: Preparation H. Forming an 'h', the Band reminds you what a pain in the butt Harvard really is.

We'd like to thank Dwayne "speedy delivery" Stuart for getting us that music.

And now, it's the:

• Thor as Shaved Martyr,
• No Coptering,
• See Keg is Real,
• No Bat Crimes,
• Egg Riots,
• Vast Hardware
• Duke Bring Mace,
• Hard Move, Groan,
• Joel Be My Cow,
• Its Like Hell,
• Round Table Glue,
• Feet Born in WaWa,
• Mince or Stab,
• Elvis Has a Clone,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

COLUMBIA
October 29, 1994

Ladies and gentlemen, while the other 970 members of the Band are off forging peace in the Middle East, please welcome what's left of the thousand-member strong Princeton University Band!

Imagine our surprise when we heard Princeton alumnus George Rupp is now president of Columbia, replacing Michael Sovern. Why did President Sovern resign? Well, he just couldn't pass up a better job opportunity, like:

• the spot that opened up at Quickie Mart
• director of the new Disney park
• a crash test dummy
• as booking agent for Letterman
• manage the Yankees for the remainder of the season
• manage the Rangers for the remainder of the season
• replacing Blast on American Gladiators
• Madonna stage dancer

And now, it's the:

• trick or treat,
• want some candy, little girl?
• have you seen the ghost of Tom?
• it's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
• don't take candy from strangers,
• Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a jack-o-lantern,
• I got a rock,
• eye of newt, skin of frog,
• hey kid, wanna Blow-Pop?
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Speaking of Halloween, please welcome the Columbia University Marching Band...the only band that turns tricks for treats.

PENN
November 5, 1994

(There was no pregame performance, as Princeton Athletics delivered a presentation instead.)

Ladies and gentlemen, on your left: the Princeton University Band. And on your right: the Princeton University Band. And on your left: the Princeton University Band.

We thought Princeton's Palmer Stadium was in bad shape, until we saw New Haven. Generous people that we are, we thought we'd share our suggestions on how to beautify New Haven. These include:

• going over it with a STEAM ROLLER
• inviting USAir to land here
• three words: the neutron bomb
• silly party hats, or
• even more locked gates.

Forming an upside-down 'y', the Band salutes the best way to beautify New Haven: remove yale.

Jon, oh Jon! Blow the whistle, Jon! And now, it's the

• when's the album coming out?
• where's the gold tuba?
• I love airplane humor
• Joel, be my cow
• Look Ma! The Band followed me home. Can I keep them?
• And on your left, the Worcester Civic Center
• And on your right, the Worcester Civic Center
• dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a powerless figurehead
• How many counties are left in Ohio?
• Yeah, coach, the University flew us to Indiana
• I'm taking this Band budget to Cuba
• Three, three trips to the emergency room! Ha ha ha ha ha!
• You've got a thousand friends at the University of Pennsylvania...and they all want your hat
• Single-Double Rotating Nose!

Hey Jon, the yale band says you're worth one hundred points.

DARMOUTH
November 19, 1994

(There was no pregame performance, as Princeton Athletics delivered a presentation instead.)