CORNELL
September 16, 1995

Blazing onto the field like Smokey the Bear's worst nightmare, it's the Princeton University Band.

Welcome to the 1995 football season. What's on the Band's wish list for this year?

• No more people hit by falling concrete in Palmer Stadium
• The O.J. Simpson trial ends before the millenium
• A new student center before the millenium
• Someone sticks a pin in Rush Limbaugh
• More road construction in Princeton
• Mike Tyson fights someone with two legs...and a pulse
• Nobody beats up the Tiger...this year

Speaking of Cornell, here's their Alma Mater.

And now, it's the

• under construction
• hard hat area
• Danger! 10,000 pounds of concrete! Do not climb on top!
• Construction: Next 6.9 miles
• Warning: asbestos
• men at work
• what on earth happened to Woolworth?
• Caution: blasting zone
• finished by November
• watch for falling stadium
• fines doubled in work area
• your highway taxes at work
• completed renovated, refurbished, and recarpeted,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Here comes the foreman, Band; get back to work.

BUCKNELL
September 23, 1995

Ladies and gentlemen, if you can hear this, you're too close.

The Band would like to welcome our guests to Princeton, and offer these tips to first-time visitors:

• don't feed the squirrels; they bite
• don't feed the grad students; they're bitter
• all visitors to Palmer Stadium must wear a hard hat
• do not participate in third floor bicker at the N.J. Transit Station
• convenient parking is available...in nearby Trenton
• no, the sculpture in front of the Equad building is called Upstart II. What did you think it was?

Welcoming Bucknell, the Band forms a small 'b', or the statue in front of the Equad.

And now, it's

• the most important meal of your day
• part of a complete breakfast
• fortified with eight essential vitamins
• stays crispy in milk
• Leggo my Eggo
• Danger! 10,000 gallons of scalding hot coffee! Do not spill!
• silly rabbit, Trix are for kids
• good to the last drop
• the breakfast of champions
• the right thing to do, and the tasty way to do it
• try us again for the first time
• that fresh-squeezed taste
• not just for breakfast anymore
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution rests.

COLGATE
September 30, 1995

(This show was never performed, as the Princeton football team remained on the field warming up throughout the pregame period.)

Rampaging onto the field like Godzilla through Tokyo, it's the Princeton University Band.

The Band took the long route to Colgate last night. The 1995 P.U.B. World Tour kicked off with stops in:

• Cooperstown
• Montreal...twice
• Sarajevo
• Tierra Del Fuego
• the lost continent of Atlantis
• the planet Vulcan
• Chernobyl, and
• circles three, four, and seven of Purgatory

The Band travelled around the world last night, and all we got was this catchy fight song.

And now, it's the

• Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
• You sank my battleship!
• Pretty sneaky, Sis
• Don't be sorry
• Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the candlestick
• a minute to learn, a lifetime to master
• Danger! 10,000 small pieces. Do not swallow!
• Left hand: red. Right foot: green.
• for ages 9 to 99
• Yahtzee!
• fun for the whole family
• King me!
• I spelled zygomorphic on a triple-word score
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Hey Band, let's play Global Thermonuclear War!

BROWN
October 7, 1995

Rumbling onto the field like the Brown football team at Spats, it's the Princeton University Band.

The Band rolled into Rhode Island last night and nearly rolled out. Good thing the brakes worked. The Rhode Island Bureau of Tourism has asked us to remind you that:

• two's company, three's a crowd, four's the population
• this state is little, yellow, different
• it's like Texas...okay, not really
• Rhode Island: it's there
• half the fat of your regular state
• protected by the Brown football team
• Rhode Island: tune in, turn on, and drop out
• the Topeka of the East

Forming a small 'b', the Band salutes our favorite suburb of the Massachusettes Bay Colony.

And now, it's the

• jaywalking
• grand theft auto
• mooning toll booth attendants
• soliciting
• underage consumption
• high treason
• low treason
• Danger! 10,000 years-to-life. Do not commit!
• just right treason
• aiding and abetting a Canadian
• removing the mattress tag
• parading without a permit
• disturbing the peace
• Double-Double Rotating P!

This was your band. Now, your Band on Aftershock.

LAFAYETTE
October 14, 1995

Ladies and gentlemen, winners of the 1995 Nobel Prize for Fashion, it's the Princeton University Band.

We'd like to welcome our visitors from Lafayette to Palmer Stadium. In just a few years the stadium will be replaced by a new structure with facilities for football, soccer, track and field, parasailing, skeet shooting, repelling, and the Tour de France. Speaking of France, we'd like to honor our visitors from Lafayette.

And now, it's the

• play it again, Sam
• Adrian!
• No! No! That's not true! That's impossible!
• I'll have what she's having
• Danger! 10,000 Dalmations. Do not climb on top!
• bring us a shrubbery!
• I coulda been a contender
• are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?
• make him an offer he can't refuse
• frankly, my dear, I don't give a
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Run away, Band! It's the Tour de France!

HAHVAHD
October 21, 1995

Rowing onto the field like...wait, this isn't the Charles River. It's the Princeton University Band!

The millenium is fast approaching, and there are so many things that need to be done first. For example:

• make sure that iron is off
• buy special sunblock: SPF 10,000,000
• sell, sell, sell!
• pay all those overdue parking tickets....yea, right
• search for rare but valuable "Get Out of Hell Free" card
• return seat backs and tray tables to fully upright and locked position
• and buy tickets for that Grateful Dead Jerry Garcia Reunion Concert

Forming a small 'h', the Band salutes one place they wouldn't want to be caught dead in.

And now, it's the

• building self-esteem
• one day at a time
• assert your own personhood
• Madonna's Guide to Better Exposure
• The Joy of...Cooking
• Two Weeks to Slimmer Earlobes
• Danger! 10,000-Step Program! Do not attempt!
• How to Offend People Without Really Trying
• Rebuilding your Self-Esteem after Attending yale
• expose your inner child--to Calvin Klein
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, the final sign of the apocalypse: it's the Hahvahd University band.

COLUMBIA
October 28, 1995

Ladies and gentlemen, marching onto the field like animals onto Noah's Ark, it's the Princeton University Band.

It's midterm break week, and most of the Band is off making the world a better place--as usual. Currently Band members are:

• peacekeeping in Bosnia
• rewriting the Russian constitution...again
• invading the Falklands
• still stuck in U.N. celebration traffic in New York City
• guest starring on Friends
• hired as new coaches for George Steinbrenner, and
• training for their upcoming bout with Mike Tyson

Forming a small 'c', the Band salutes the one place no one  wants to go for break.

And now, it's the

• let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
• singin' in the rain
• Dive! Dive! Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!
• hail the size of canned hams!
• Look! it's the Waterworld set!
• Danger! 10,000 inches of rain. Do not remove life jackets!
• No! Rain harder!
• it's not the heat, it's the humidity
• neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night can stop the
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Mr. Arafat, please leave the stadium.

PENN
November 4, 1995

Ladiest and gentlemen, prepare for the sound and fury of the high-stepping, thousand-member strong, count them as they take the field, Princeton University Band.

Welcome to Franklin Field. Today is the latest in a long series of Ivy League moments, including:

• 1921: Brown University invents the forward pass/fail
• 1941: No yale students mugged for an entire year
• 1992: U.S. News and World Report rankings confused with A.P. Poll; Hahvahd and Princeton play for their only national championship, and
• 1995: Columbia beats Penn

Saluting the Ivy League--and Penn--the Band forms a small 'i'.

And now, it's the

• everything must go!
• the deal of a lifetime
• double your money back
• the cars are going, going, gone!
• semi-annual "going out of business" sale
• Danger! 10,000 dollar discount. Do not delay!
• buy one, get one free
• our prices are INSANE!
• 30-day trial period
• not available in any store
• Single-Double Rotating P!

And now, the band that wowed them at Lafayette and knocked 'em dead at William and Mary: the Penn band.

YALE
November 11, 1995

Ladies and gentlemen, Band President Dave Thom is wearing no pants.

A year ago today, yale inducted the latest Handsome Dan, their mascot. Handsome Dan, This is your life!

Like most yalies, he was born the runt of the litter. Based on his "special talent," his first owners named him "Whizzer." Really! You can't make this stuff up! Whizzer demonstrated his "special talent" everywhere; on the lawn, the mailman, the neighbor's lawn, and the fifty-yard line. In final preparation for becoming yale's mascot, he was neutered...not a bad idea for all yalies. Finally, last year, he was inducted as the new Handsome Dan. Apparently, New Haven has a different concept of the word "handsome."

Saluting yale, the Band says "Boy, your mascot really bites."

And now, it's the

• can your beer do this?
• Bud
• the best beer in America
• wei
• head for the mountains
• ser
• tastes as great as its name
• bottled beer taste in a can; wouldn't that be great?
• it's Australian for beer, mate
• icy aerated ale
• the silver bullet won't slow you down
• this Bud's for you
• let it be Lowenbraun
• No! I meant a Bud Light! -- ZAP!
• beechwood aged
• what beer drinkers drink when they're not drinking beer
• Double-Double Rotating P!

So Band, how many screaming bands does it take to bring down Palmer Stadium? Let's find out!

DARTMOUTH
November 18, 1995

Ladies and gentlemen, in its final appearance of the year, the Princeton University Band is led by all-Canadian boy Dave Thom.

Band President Dave Thom hails from Toronto, home of the tallest, pointiest free-standing structure ever erected. It's been four years, and Dave still hasn't been deported, despite the incident involving the gerbil, the duct tape, and the sheep. And just last week he appeared in front of 25,000 screaming fans without wearing pants, a new form of "Northern Exposure." Worst of all, it turns out the federal government shutdown is part of his conspiracy to make the United States the 11th through 61st Canadian provinces. Saluting the only Ivy school cold enough to already be in Canada, the Band forms a small d) short-term memory loss.

And now, it's the

• this will be a short list, eh?
• Oh Canada! Please don't touch me there, eh?
• Hi, I'm Don. I'll be your bus driver, eh?
• sorry, Dave; we wrecked the van. Really. Eh?
• so this is the garbage chute, eh?
• I've never been in a Turkish prison. Nice architecture, eh?
• we can't rehearse in squash courts, eh?
• Danger! 10,000 collect calls! Do not accept, eh?
• Hey, Dave! Nice legs, eh?
• Please come! Please come! Eh?
• Single-Double Rotating 'eh'?

Paging Dave Thom: Immigration for Dave Thom. Eh?