The Band's announcer for the 1996 football season was Geoff Dube '97.

CORNELL
September 21, 1996

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome America's Olympic sweethearts, winners of the gold medal in synchronized cacophony: the Princeton University Band.

The opening of another Ivy League football season reminds us of the action-packed Summer Olympics. Our favorite Olympic memories include:

• Seeing Kerri Strug...over...and over...and over
• The blast we had in Centennial Olympic Park
• The international flavor of NBC's coverage
• The Macarena, and
• The nail-biting men's basketball final

Turning from nail-biting Olympic competition to nail-biting Ivy League football, we salute our honorable opponents from Cornell.

And now, it's the

• Do not go gentle into that good night
• My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun
• 'C' is for Cookie, that's good enough for me
• 'Twas brilling and the slithy toves
• Once upon a midnight dreary
• I think that I shall never see a poem so lovely as a
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Coming up next: the Big Red Marching Band, or, as we like to think of them, "Poetry in Motion."

HOLY CROSS
September 28, 1996

Running onto the field like Olestra through your digestive system, it's the Princeton University Band.

September 28: Today in history...

• In 1957: Mr. Ed gives up promising horse-racing career for show business
• 1995: somebody beats The Wiz
• 1943: debut of G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip
• 1988: Pepe le Pew brought up on charges of sexual harassment
• 1992: Elvis found stuck to the DEC tap room floor
• 1969: creation of the greatest crime-fighting duo in history: Batman and Robin

Saluting the caped crusaders, the Band says: "Holy Cross, Batman!"

And now, the

• Give us a week, we'll take off the weight
• Only one calorie
• 'H' is for Health Rider, that's good enough for me
• Can you pinch an inch?
• Never had it, never will
• This is living
• Fortified with eight essential vitamins
• Just for the taste of it
• Double-Double Rotating P!

We leave you with this question: Why would anyone buy something called "The Buttmaster"?

LEHIGH
October 5, 1996

Marching onto the field like Ross Perot at the presidential debates, it's the Princeton University Band.

All right, how about: shooting onto the field like hot air out of Ross Perot's mouth, it's the Princeton University Band.

The Band was a little upset with the format chosen for the upcoming Presidential debate. We's like to suggest the following alternatives:

• charades
• a steel cage wrestling match
• twenty paces at dawn
• a swimsuit competition

And our personal favorite, a game of H-O-R-S-E, like those played by Michael Jordan and Larry Bird on those McDonald's commercials: "Over the Lincoln Memorial, across Pennsylvania Avenue, through the White House, nothing but debt."

Turning from tomorrow's Presidential debate to today's football contest, the Band salutes our opponents from Lehigh.

And now, it's the

• Old Hickory
• Tippecanoe
• The Father of His Country
• 'L' is for lame duck, that's good enough for me
• Old Rough and Ready
• Honest Abe
• His Rotundity
• Old Kinderhook
• The Accidental Double-Double Rotating P, with Veto Power! ("No!")

Remembering Admiral James Stockdale, the Band asks "Who are we? Why are we here?"

Would Band President Jonathan Mendelson please report to--oh, there you are. I could hardly see you. Why don't you stand up?

This is nice. For once I can talk to you without listening to you ramble on back. Teresa, a roll off, please.

The 1996 Nobel Prizes have been announced, and, sadly, both Princeton and Brown have been overlooked. The problem is with the outdated categories. How about some new ones for the 21st century? We could replace the Nobel Prize for Literature with the Prize for Evocative Literature. This year's winner is Hugh Heffner for Women of the Ivy League. For scientists, let's replace the Nobel Peace Prize with the Nobel Piece of As...tronomical Knowledge Prize. Replace the Physics Prize with the Psychics Prize: if you're the winner, you're the first to know! And we'd like to replace the Chemistry Prize with the Nobel Prize for Innovative Misuse of Chemical Substances...and the winner is: the Brown band. Saluting the Nobel laureates, the Band misuses the Brown Cheering Song.

And now, it's the

• Baaaaaaand Hotline!
• You have six new voice messages. And they're all from Jonathan. And they're all urgent.
• 'B' is for button, that's good enough for me. Isn't it good enough for you?
• Please buy a paperweight
• Please use the database
• Please rain. Please?
• Hey, Liz, we jinxed it. Or maybe not. Yes we did. Or perhaps not...
• Let me tell you about my family ("No! No! Aaaarrrggghhh!")
• Double-Double Rotating Baaaaaaand Hotline

Hey Jonathan: telephone! It's for you; it's Charlie, and he wants to hire us again.

BUCKNELL
October 19, 1996

Marching onto the field two-by-two, the Band asks: "Where the heck did we park the ark?"

When the Band arrived at Trax Hall last night, we weren't sure if we were at Bucknell or the State Penitentiary. How can you tell the difference?

• Anyone may apply to Bucknell, but admission to the State Pen is by invitation only.
• When Bucknell alums come back, it's called "homecoming"; when alumni return to the State Pen, it's called a "parole violation."
• At Bucknell, there are big hairy bison; at the State Pen, there are big hairy men.
• At least the State Pen has a band.

Saluting Lewisburg's most prestigious institution, the Band plays "Jailhouse Rock."

And now, it's the

• Singin' in the Rain
• Forty days and forty nights
• Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it's a twister
• Dive! Dive! Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!
• 'B' is for buckets, that's good enough for me
• Today's weather: sucks
• Rain harder; no, rain harder
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Look out, Band! It's raining Bison Water!

HAHVAHD
October 26, 1996

Twelve score and ten years ago our forefathers brought forth upon this land a new college...no, wait; that's the wrong script. Will Drum Major Christian "Chaste Living, He Roars" Haselgrove please report to show writing?

The Band would like to welcome all the alumni back for the big Bicenquinqagenary bash in our honor. As you might suspect, the huge party last night set quite a few records. Most of you saw the largest ice sculpture in New Jersey, which several hours later set another record as the largest puddle of water in New Jersey, and is now being sold as BCQ H2O. We also had the highest per capita possession of fiber optic flashlights, and the most minutemen on Cannon Green since the Revolutionary War. Turning from a record-breaking university to...another university, the Band salutes Hahvahd.

And now, it's the

• 250 ways to leave your lover
• 250 years of solitude
• 250 flavors
• 250 years of alumni
• 250 commandments
• 250's a crowd
• 250 degrees of Kevin Bacon
• 'H' is for half of five hundred, that's good enough for me
• Collect all 250 trading cards
• 250 days and 250 nights
• 250 decibels of Hard Vast Roar
• Do not pass go, do not collect $250
• 250 bottles of beer on the wall
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Happy 250th Birthday, Princeton! You don't look a day over 236.

COLUMBIA
November 2, 1996

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the awesome high-stepping sonic glory of the thousand-member strong Princeton University Band.

As election day nears, the presidential candidates have gone into high gear, clawing desperately for those last few electoral votes. Trailing by several points, Republican Bob Dole has launched his last-second "96 Hours of Madness" campaign strategy, aimed at appealing to as many demographic groups as possible. Dole will be attending a rave to identify better with Generation Xers. In an attempt to steal the Arkansas hillbilly vote right out from under Clinton's nose, Dole will be divorcing Elizabeth and marrying his sister. Farmers will be moved by Dole's pledge to eat twice his weight in corn meal every day. And the right-wing lunatic fringe will be pleased to hear plans to annex Canada. Forming a 'c' on the field, the Band salutes our neighbors to the North.

And now, it's the

• tough on crime
• dedicated to the people
• ready to balance the budget
• taking a stand
• free from the influence of special interests
• 'C' is for compassionate, that's good enough for me
• willing to take on big business
• veteran of the Peloponesian War
• standing up for your rights
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Hey Band, uh, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your campaign finance.

PENN
November 9, 1996

Ladies and gentlemen, still marching from the Borough to the Township, it's the Princeton University Band.

When the Band got back from the win against Columbia, we could tell that winter was fast approaching. These were the clues that tip one off:

• Squirrels break into your room to steal the hot chocolate, not your homework
• Christmas decorations in the stores--no wait, that just means it's after July Fourth
• You can watch bad first-run episodes, instead of bad reruns
• You can watch all the former Ivy League players who are now in the pros, trying for a touchdown, a field goal, or a safety

Saluting 95% of the safety seekers, the Band hails Penn.

And now, it's the

• polls have just closed
• still too close to call
• 6.9% of precincts reporting
• it looks like a landslide
• 'P' is for post-election party, that's good enough for me
• we're live at campaign headquarters
• the candidate is coming out to concede
• we have a projected winner
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: the Penn Band has conceded.

YALE
November 16, 1996

Radiating onto the field like the heat off a naked Band member, it's the Princeton University Band.

The yale administration has been facing a number of problems lately. For instance, the bulldog union is on strike, and the mascot may have to be replaced by a Transformer: more than meets the eye; look for it in the halftime show. They were close to an agreement with the T.A.'s, but were interrupted by a line dance: the Macarena. Look for it in the halftime show. And, to show support for the striking groups, the yale bus drivers are on strike, forcing the yale Band to take a sleigh ride to the stadium. Details to follow at the half. Recognizing today's opponents, the Band asks the yale Class of 2000, "Why?"

And now, it's the

• Hindenburg,
• Titanic,
• Tacoma Narrows Bridge,
• Police Academy VI,
• 'Y' is for yale, there are some things even God can't fix,
• New York Jets,
• Harding Administration,
• 1970's,
• Three Mile Island,
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, a disaster waiting to happen: the yale Precision Marching Band.

DARTMOUTH
November 23, 1996

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee, Palmer Stadium.

As our 78th season of music, marching, mirth and merriment does not go gently into that good night, the Band would like to thank Jack "One More Time from the Top" Hontz, "Captain James T." H. Kirk Unruh, Harry's Sluncheonette, Amy Campbell, Beth Morgan, President Jonathan "Eight for Three Dollars" Mendelson, Conductor Nick "Let's Go Suckers! Hahhhah" Geimer, and Drum Major Christian "Ed" Haselgrove.

Forming a 'd' on the field, the Band says "They're green, they're minty-flavored, and they suck!"

And now, it's the

• wrecking ball
• smelly guys with jackhammers
• Band finds the resonant frequency
• intro to Lethal Weapon 4
• Battle of Princeton II: now it's Judgement Day
• just let it decompose
• plasma physics "accident"
• 'D' is for dynamite, that's good enough for me
• Deconstruct! Deconstruct!
• Dean "Superman" Cain '88 sneezes
• Hey! What's this brick do?
• Double-Double Rotating P!

This is your unscripted uncensored announcer, Geoff "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask" Dube, saying "The sky is falling! The sky is fall--no...no, that's just Palmer Stadium."