The Band's announcer for the 1997 football season was Justin Werfel '99.

CORNELL
September 20, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, pouring onto the field like money out of Ted Turner's bank account, it's the Princeton University Band.

Media mogul Ted Turner recently gave one billion dollars to the United Nations. Where's that money going?

• The Unicef Channel: "All Sally Struthers, All the Time"
• New Secretary General: Tetros Tetros Turner
• Colorize old World War I footage for TNT
• U.N. Peacekeepers wear Atlanta Braves helmets; and
• Start the United Nation's College Fund: because a nation is a terrible thing to waste.

Speaking of colleges, the Band salutes our worthy oppononent.

And now, it's the

• aspartame
• saccharine
• M.S.G.
• mmmm....olestra
• plaid dye #69
• Pamela Anderson
• processed cheese food
• spam
• high-fructose corn syrup
• Double-Double Rotating P!

And now, please welcome the Cornell Muzak Band.

FORDHAM
September 27, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, the color you see on the field before you really is that color. Do not attempt to adjust your television sets. Throw away your remote, because the show you're about to see is the Princeton University Band!

NBC is all agog over Marv Albert's recent conviction. In the wake of his dismissal, NBC has searched long and hard for a replacement. Despite his obvious qualifications, Mike Tyson's voice was deemed too intelligible for TV. But for ratings week, they do have a special treat: Tyson vs. Albert--remember gentlemen, no biting below the belt.

To avoid future embarrassment, NBC will require its announcers to abide by these new rules:

• no sex with more than one hotel employee at a time
• no cross-dressing during prime time; and,
• a toupee is not a sexual aid

Turning from the announcers behind you to the game before you, the Band salutes our Patriot League opponent with something patriotic.

And now, it's the

• Jimmy Hoffa
• Amelia Earhart
• Waldo
• Dr. Livingston, I presume
• Godot
• the Fordham band
• Elvis
• that lovin' feeling
• mmmm....pork roll
• Houdini
• the invisible man
• Atlantis
• Clementine
• good taste
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Run away, Band! It's the missing link!

HOLY CROSS
October 4, 1997

There is no pregame script for this game because the Holy Cross band did not permit the Princeton Band to perform. The Band did not travel to Holy Cross.

BROWN
October 11, 1997

Infiltrating the field like undercover reporters through a campus bar, it's the Princeton University Band.

The week, The Brown Daily Herald published its shocking expose of underage drinking on-campus. What a surprise! To combat underage drinking, Brown University will employ the following new policies:

• minors must wear scarlet 'M's
• brand students with "Born On" dates
• expel all students under 21
• post signs that say "No minors served, but this time, we really mean it!"
• replace photo IDs with carbon dating
• and finally, only serve Meister Brau.

Forming a 'b', the Band says "Beer: it's what's for dinner."

And now, it's the

• gin and tonic
• gin and tuna
• gin and gin
• SoCo and maple syrup
• brandy and mayo, hold the lettuce
• mmmm....Aftershock
• Kahlua and Milk of Magnesia
• Drano and whisky, with a twist
• Zima
• haggis and milkshake
• Single-Double Rotating P!

Run away Band; it's the Brown football team, and they've been drinking!

COLGATE
October, 18, 1997

There is no pregame script for this game because Colgate Athletics did not permit the Princeton Band to perform a pregame show.

HAHVAHD
October 25, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a great humanitarian and a close personal friend of mine: the Princeton University Band.

With the semester half-over, the Band offers these signs that your grades may be in trouble:

• your blood alcohol level is higher than your GPA
• your advisor's recommendation is written on a cocktail napkin
• your professors send you course information...from New Haven Community College
• your advisor has a picture of you in his office...on a dartboard
• and your thesis topic is "Widener Library: What's Inside"

Saluting the academically-challenged, the Band forms an 'h'...for those times when an 'f' just isn't low enough to measure your academic performance.

And now, it's the

• Superman
• Batman
• Captain Caveman
• The Plaid Avenger
• Captain Spandex
• Superego Man, and his trusty sidekick, Id
• Hungry Man
• Pontiff Man, and his popemobile
• The Decaffeinater
• The Evil Dr. Ph.D.
• mmmm....Donutman
• The Man
• Orgo Man
• The Brooks Brothers Crusader
• atomic battery-powered, gamma-ray enhanced
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Run away Band; it's the Crimson Tide!

COLUMBIA
November 1, 1997

Taking the field like candy from a baby, it's the Princeton University Band.

Speaking of babies, the Band suggests the following signs that your nanny may not be Mary Poppins:

• she drifts in not by umbrella, but by broomstick
• she has a bottomless body bag
• her favorite song is "A Spoonful of Arsenic"
• the little bird perched on her finger is a turkey vulture
• instead of jumping into sidewalk chalk drawings, she jumps into an issue of Playboy
• her chimney-sweep friend doubles as a pimp; and,
• she just got sentenced to life in prison

Forming a 'c' on the field, the Band says: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me! Amnumnumnum!"

And now, it's the

• costumes
• skeletons
• Can Man
• The Monster Mash
• Men in Black
• Marv Albert's toupee
• that six-foot eight-inch, um...woman...with a goatee
• mmmm....silicone
• Ruth Messinger in Spandex
• Rudy Giuliani in Ruth Messinger's Spandex
• The Princeton University Band in the It's a Real Scream
• Double-Double Rotating P!

PENN
November 8, 1997

Boring onto the field like loudly-dressed electrons tunneling through a wall of hostility, it's the Princeton University Band.

Boring you say? You must be thinking of Nils Bohr, early quantum physicist. But Nils wasn't nearly so dull as his name made him sound; he could be a real party animal, and his friends even called him "Wild Bohr." After a hard night of drinking at the h-bar, he'd sometimes wake up in a completely different state! When drunk, he's lose all his principles. But the Princeton Band never loses its principles, which include:

a)

the Pauli Exclusion Principle

b)

the Princeton Exclusion Principle

c)

might be the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, but we're not sure

d)

n, the principal quantum number

e)

q, the principal dork

f)

the Penn band

Forming its favorite angular momentum state on the field, the Band says, "Angular momentum? It nearly killed  'im!"

And now, it's the

• complete set of eigenfunctions
• Dirac bra notation
• boson, hadron, moron
• walk the Planck
• Clebsch Gordan approaching
• barrier penetration
• mmmm....pi orbital
• free particles for everybody!
• completely antisymmetric
• othoabnormal
• spin-orbit coupling
• extremely observable
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Look out Band! Here comes Schrodinger, and he's got a box twelve feet wide!

YALE
November 15, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, taking over the field like Iraq and a hard place, it's the Princeton University Band!

It's great to be here at Giants Stadium, and not in New Haven. When we were at yale last year, you wouldn't believe some of the things we heard, including:

• Nothing to see here; please disperse.
• Why, yes; I am an English major. How did you know?
• Did George Bush boot here too?
• Buy Golden Ale
• But mummy, I simply shan't wear white after Labor Day.
• Assume the position!

Paying deep homage and tribute to yale, the Band says: "I musta had too much chili last night, 'cause now I have to Whiffenpoof."

And now, it's the

• bullfrog
• bullwhip
• bullfighter
• bull market
• Bull Durham
• bulgar wheat muffins
• bullion cubes
• bulimia
• mmmm...baloney
• Bullwinkle
• billions and billions
• bullet-riddled
• bully for you
• Double-Double Rotating P!

DARTMOUTH
November 22, 1997

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Dartmouth students: marching onto the field like Godot, it's the Princeton University Band.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, and after spending a cold snowy evening here in Hanover, we ask ourselves, "just what is there to do around here during winter?" Always willing to lend a hand, the Band offers these suggestions:

• naked snow angels
• sheep tipping
• drink....more
• mmmm....yellow snow
• shrinkage contests
• daily Nude Olympics
• count the number of flakes, then count the number of flakes wearing Patagonias
• tour exciting New Hampshire

Saluting our favorite white rabbits, the Band says "Whatcha eating?.... Mutton Honey!"

And now, it's the:

• Use the force, Joe!
• Look out -- it's the Cornell drum line!
• Libe!
• Show writing in the student center...NOT!
• Lucent? A.M.? P.M.? Both?
• Three, three cases of carbon monoxide poisoning! Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
• Nnnnnnooooooooooooo!
• You can use your hands, Joe
• Hey -- let's do a joke about baseball!
• Six saxophones o-phones o-ophones
• Anyone wanna go out for coffee....please?
• mmmm....Ham
• Double-Double Rotating Tie-Fighter!

Joe, Professor Hartog never told you the truth. I am your thesis! Search your references; you know it to be true!