Web Exclusives: PawPlus
July 2, 2003:
FROM ENGLISH PROFESSOR TOM ROCHE
Your Mohawk is growing out.
You are privileged, not to hear me, but to read Shakespeare.
BBC plays go from very good to unbelievably bad. Unbelievably
bad is almost as good as the Princeton Shakespeare Company.
There were no actresses. Feminista, just relax.
What is an ark? Well, it's even bigger than an SUV.
Jesus doesn't like a smartass.
I am most eccentric about Hamlet, and of course totally right.
A tier if the symbol of Princeton, and the Exxon Corporation.
The Holy Trinity: Daddy-o, Laddy-o, and Spooks.
[Jesus] lived at home with Mom and Dad until he was 30
almost as if he were Irish.
Noah is my favorite prophet in the whole Bible. He is the Woody
Allen of prophets.
We are going to have to trust Shakespeare, as he was always right
in everything he did.
What do you think would happen after that one night of bliss [in
Romeo and Juliet]? She'd be preggers, you just know it.
If I were directing a production of Measure for Measure..I would
want to get Groucho Marx as the Duke.
Jokes come from me, not from the class.
You don't have to agree with them [my lectures], and that's fine.
You may remain ignorant of the true nature of things if you want.
And now I'll show my heretical side here.
I still pray for family members, knowing what I do of them, in
But you wouldn't expect a ghost to say, "I am your father's
ghost come from the deepest hell." That doesn't inspire confidence
When was the last time you thought about the sheets on your parents'
bed? I know that's horrible, I shouldn't make you think about things
If you don't get sympathetic with Ophelia at this point, you have
no sympathy in you at all.
I'm going to nail you, just to see you wiggle.
And we all fall into line, like Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz.
Just because Hamlet, our favorite character in all of literature,
is saying this rubbish, it's not going to prevent him from getting
a C or a D in precept.
I'm not going to attack 19th century philosophy. Let it dwell
in its own deficiency.
Just because you write a poem and hope that the girl will get
into bed with you doesn't mean it will happen.
It's a really kinky family situation here.
Now isn't this a mess? Two guys doing the cha-cha over the body
of a dead woman.
I am the "like" police.
My colleagues, as I told you, run screaming down the corridor
when they seem me coming, especially with the topic of Hamlet.
The Al-Qaeda of that time were the Roman Catholics.
I'm sure you're completely convinced at your age that life is
tragic, and all that. It's true.
I am the only faculty member in the entire University who has
his picture hanging in the bar at the Annex restaurant.
I don't know if the story I'm going to tell you is quite appropriate
for Ash Wednesday.
Just because I am trying to throw out all of German 19th-century
philosophy it's all right. You can get along without it.
Leonardo DiCaprio? I thought he drowned on the Titanic.
How could a character named Fleance be a threat to anyone?
You can't rust Shakespeare scholars.
I was practice teaching with the dullest man in the department.
I mean, there was a lot of competition for the role. But he was
I'm sorry you have to listen. But here it is.
Don't drop your hankies, girls, or you husbands may kill you.
I still think Othello is a hero in the modern sense. I may change
my mind by Wednesday.
He was a fine, fine specimen of male physicality.
Man should turn himself over to the control of his gonads.
If you can't write, teach. If you can't teach, you become an administrator.
You all know the Beatles, don't you?
Don't try to upstage me!
I would like to spend the rest of the lecture making random comments.
I apologize to all the bastards in the audience today. I hope
your dad doesn't talk to you that way.
Don't go around paraphrasing Shakespeare.
And now I'm going to bore you out of your mind by twisting this
one line in 17 different directions.
I've written things about Shakespeare, and I know I'm absolutely
right in everything I say.
You know about those lusty pagans. Anyone here ever meet a pagan?
Who would give up the world just to sleep with a beautiful women?
No volunteers, please.
And in the midst of this walking wet dream, a messenger arrives.
This is quite indecent, which is why I'm going to tell it.. Don't
tell anyone I told you that story.
Like any concupiscence, it ends when you're dead.
I think the 21st century is going to come around, and very probably
agree with me. But don't wait around for it.
You can take the sentimental, or, as Robertson would say, the
stupid view towards these people.
I'm not suggesting copulation through the ear of anything.
Don't you dare telling any priest on me, now.. I'm really very
literal about things.
When he said no, you should bugger alter boys, he really meant
I think every class should have a little incest in it.
I never remember wrong things that are said in precept. Unless
it's so hilarious that I put it into one of my stories.
If you saw a year-old polar bear come in, "d be out the door
It's not every day I get to kick Toni Morrison out of a lecture.
He's clearly of the jump-'em-and-thump-'em school of love.
Some love rises no higher than the haystack in which it is performed.
Allow me to persist in my lunacy.
Do we have any shepherds in the audience?
The roman Catholic Church made Thomas Aquinas the Gram Shmegeggle.
I love fighting with priests about this.
I ways prepared for lecture days. I had a martini.